I've been fighting with some of my emotions this past week. I 'know' to not do that; feel and acknowledge the emotions, talk it out with someone if necessary, and move on. I strive to do that but am not always as successful as I want. Human, after all.
Three things that helped my change my perspective this week:
-My birthday is today. In my family, birthdays have always been special, and celebrated with others and with cake. This year, all of my family is busy and I was feeling low, thinking I would have a non-birthday. I had ideas of what I could do to fill the day and thought of ways to have fun for myself or give of myself, but it wasn't quite the same. I began to feel sorry for myself, and more and more sad that my usual idea of a birthday just wasn't going to happen. I knew I would get many cards and emails and facebook wishes, but it wasn't the same as having plans. I talked to Sister Three about it, hesitantly, as I was feeling like a spoiled kid and very selfish. She validated my feelings. "Of course you feel bad. Birthdays have always been special for our family". Just knowing that someone else understood made me feel less alone. The Kid changed her work schedule to come and have supper with me last night, I spent time opening cards from family this morning, reading emails and facebook messages, and I have going-out-for-birthday-supper plans with a friend. I re-learned it's okay to just feel what I feel, and needed someone to tell me that. Perspective changed.
-I finished a major project at work and have not yet taken on another. Work has been rather boring, although I know two big projects will start in the new year, and I will be again too busy. I was feeling at loose ends, and again wondering why I continue on at this job. There will be staff changes in my area again this coming year and that is always a hard time to get through - more hiring, more training, more stress. I want to do something that matters; pushing paper around for a chemical company doesn't add much to the greater good. I keep a file of emails where I've received thanks or compliments from people I work with; I re-read those and started to feel a bit better. A current colleague came to tell me she is not applying for another job within the company - that she does not want to work in any other department or with any other team. I realized I'm making a difference with my colleagues, with my team. I went outside, stood beside a huge pine tree, covered in hoar frost, and felt the energy and peace of being close to nature. I have stood beside that tree many, many times, but have never allowed the energy of the trees around me to reach me. Perspective changed.
-The fear of cancer returning never goes away. I live with it, accept it, and sometimes even forget about it. A colleague was diagnosed with breast cancer this week. My own fears and memories overtook me, leading me down a dark path. This colleague decorated her office with Christmas lights and garlands, went shopping for our Adopt-a-Family children, vowed to work for as long as she can, and had the rest of us playing games and laughing. Perspective changed.
It's always been easy for me to fall into patterns that are not healthy or helpful and it has been very hard to change my thoughts, emotions, reactions. After fighting with emotions and thoughts in the three instances mentioned, I was very lucky this week to tune into something greater than myself and have my perspective changed almost instantly, in three circumstances where I could have let the negativity snowball and become daunting. It was a great week.
Sunday, December 5, 2010
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
Spending Time With Myself
It's so very cold outside and I have hated venturing out the past four days. I've done the obligatory trips - work and medical appointments, and a couple 'just to do' trips - buying milk, a visit with friends, a comedy show. With my self-imposed stay in the house, stay warm at all costs attitude, I've been forced to spend more time with myself than usual. This has been good for me. I am busy and find things I love to do, and you've heard me grumble here before about never having the time to do all I want to do. This time alone has been good for me.
Three things about spending time with myself:
-I've truly done what I've wanted to do each minute. I didn't get a ton of stuff accomplished (based on the usual definition of accomplishment = something tangible). I didn't push myself to do chores or to even tackle my "I want to..." list. This has been freeing for me. Time to just be.
-I've explored some areas of me and my spirit. I've had no earth-shattering self-realizations or big 'aha' moments, but I've been comfortable with myself and have a peace within. The peace is holding hands with pride for who I am, what I've done, what I believe, what I want.
-I love being busy and I really DO have so much I want and love to do that I never find enough time to do it all, take it all in, be alive with all my people and all my activities. I needed this break to help me realize I need to spend time with myself, and open myself to the growth and spirituality that comes from indulgence in self.
I hope you can find the time to spend with the most important person - you. I give thanks for the bone-chilling temperatures that kept me inside with myself.
Three things about spending time with myself:
-I've truly done what I've wanted to do each minute. I didn't get a ton of stuff accomplished (based on the usual definition of accomplishment = something tangible). I didn't push myself to do chores or to even tackle my "I want to..." list. This has been freeing for me. Time to just be.
-I've explored some areas of me and my spirit. I've had no earth-shattering self-realizations or big 'aha' moments, but I've been comfortable with myself and have a peace within. The peace is holding hands with pride for who I am, what I've done, what I believe, what I want.
-I love being busy and I really DO have so much I want and love to do that I never find enough time to do it all, take it all in, be alive with all my people and all my activities. I needed this break to help me realize I need to spend time with myself, and open myself to the growth and spirituality that comes from indulgence in self.
I hope you can find the time to spend with the most important person - you. I give thanks for the bone-chilling temperatures that kept me inside with myself.
Sunday, November 21, 2010
Rambling Thoughts About Passion
Three things about passion:
-The Western Final of the CFL just finished and it was played in cold winter weather, with the wind chill reaching -29. I kind of watched and listened, but kept on doing other things for most of the game. I did sit in front of the TV for the final four minutes. I looked at how very cold the palyers and coaches looked - red faces and arms - and I wondered how many players and spectators were hypothermic. The players are well paid for the work they do, and I'm sure they all got into the game due to their love of the game. The fans? Well, that term IS short for fanatic. To sit freezing for hours watching your favorite team battle for a chance at the final is passion.
Or perhaps insanity.
-Brother One had a birthday today and chose to spend his day curling. He is passionate about playing the game and it has added a great deal to his life. His passion is shown (as I see it) as a quiet dedication to his team and and humbleness about his incredible ability.
-I went to a comedian last night and laughed until my face and stomach hurt. After, I thought about how tough it would be (for me) to be on the road all the time. The comedian's passion for his life and chosen career is clear and it is obvious that he loves what he does.
I have a quote on my office wall that is about the 'only thing we require to be happy in life is finding something to be passionate about'. I can't remember the exact words, nor who said it, but it is so very true. Find a passion - for a minute, a day, a week, a lifetime. The peace and happiness will follow.
-The Western Final of the CFL just finished and it was played in cold winter weather, with the wind chill reaching -29. I kind of watched and listened, but kept on doing other things for most of the game. I did sit in front of the TV for the final four minutes. I looked at how very cold the palyers and coaches looked - red faces and arms - and I wondered how many players and spectators were hypothermic. The players are well paid for the work they do, and I'm sure they all got into the game due to their love of the game. The fans? Well, that term IS short for fanatic. To sit freezing for hours watching your favorite team battle for a chance at the final is passion.
Or perhaps insanity.
-Brother One had a birthday today and chose to spend his day curling. He is passionate about playing the game and it has added a great deal to his life. His passion is shown (as I see it) as a quiet dedication to his team and and humbleness about his incredible ability.
-I went to a comedian last night and laughed until my face and stomach hurt. After, I thought about how tough it would be (for me) to be on the road all the time. The comedian's passion for his life and chosen career is clear and it is obvious that he loves what he does.
I have a quote on my office wall that is about the 'only thing we require to be happy in life is finding something to be passionate about'. I can't remember the exact words, nor who said it, but it is so very true. Find a passion - for a minute, a day, a week, a lifetime. The peace and happiness will follow.
Sunday, November 14, 2010
Spirit
I've been thinking a lot about spirits recently. I've been aware of my own and the spirits of others, both those who are still living and those people who have died. I don't think that life is a one shot deal. I believe that a person's spirit is a strong entity that doesn't just disappear when the physical body is dead. I don't know if I truly believe in reincarnation, but I know that I have felt people near me who have died. "She's in good spirits". "He's an old soul". "That's the spirit". "Team spirit". "Soul searching". These are just a few of many phrases that must have come to be based on experiences, and not just people playing with English. Three things about spirit:
-A few weeks ago I had a dream and when I woke in the middle of the night, I thought to myself "How odd". That was all - just "How odd". What was odd was that two ladies that I may have last seen when I was five years old (if I even ever saw them in my life) were visiting me in my dream. I knew who they were and what they looked like, I knew there names, but most importantly I knew they were there. I described them to Sister One and Sister Three, and how these ladies appeared in my dream was how they looked while alive. I didn' t remember the content of the dream during that night and I don't remember it now. I just know it was a peaceful dream and a peaceful feeling, and I woke up enough to think it odd that these two ladies from my childhood were with me. Odd, but not at all frightening. I'm glad they came.
-At a family reunion this summer, the collective spirit of the extended family as they gathered was, for me, a physical but etheral feeling. Along with the collective spirit of those gathered, I believe the spirits of many of the family who have died gathered as well. As I spoke to others throughout the day, some remarked that they felt it, too. It was a feeling beyond words and explanation, but so very powerful that it moved one person to tears, and brought a peace and excitement to me that I have not experienced before.
-I took a Rieki training session towards the end of August. I went into this with a very high degree of skepticism and I did not expect to feel anything. I can not explain what I did feel, but it was very powerful and it, too, produced an inner peace of spirit and mind that I didn't know existed. There is a part of this that goes to my reclaiming of self somehow. I've spoken about this to only a very few people, those whom I trust completely, and who would not ridicule or doubt what I experienced. What a joy and relief to be among like-minded people.
Spirit, universal energy, soul. Belief, faith, trust. Individual, group, humanity. Higher power, God, the Creator. All are the same and I have something different now. I will share my life, my thoughts, my feelings, my spirit with others in the best way I can. May you find a way to do so, too.
-A few weeks ago I had a dream and when I woke in the middle of the night, I thought to myself "How odd". That was all - just "How odd". What was odd was that two ladies that I may have last seen when I was five years old (if I even ever saw them in my life) were visiting me in my dream. I knew who they were and what they looked like, I knew there names, but most importantly I knew they were there. I described them to Sister One and Sister Three, and how these ladies appeared in my dream was how they looked while alive. I didn' t remember the content of the dream during that night and I don't remember it now. I just know it was a peaceful dream and a peaceful feeling, and I woke up enough to think it odd that these two ladies from my childhood were with me. Odd, but not at all frightening. I'm glad they came.
-At a family reunion this summer, the collective spirit of the extended family as they gathered was, for me, a physical but etheral feeling. Along with the collective spirit of those gathered, I believe the spirits of many of the family who have died gathered as well. As I spoke to others throughout the day, some remarked that they felt it, too. It was a feeling beyond words and explanation, but so very powerful that it moved one person to tears, and brought a peace and excitement to me that I have not experienced before.
-I took a Rieki training session towards the end of August. I went into this with a very high degree of skepticism and I did not expect to feel anything. I can not explain what I did feel, but it was very powerful and it, too, produced an inner peace of spirit and mind that I didn't know existed. There is a part of this that goes to my reclaiming of self somehow. I've spoken about this to only a very few people, those whom I trust completely, and who would not ridicule or doubt what I experienced. What a joy and relief to be among like-minded people.
Spirit, universal energy, soul. Belief, faith, trust. Individual, group, humanity. Higher power, God, the Creator. All are the same and I have something different now. I will share my life, my thoughts, my feelings, my spirit with others in the best way I can. May you find a way to do so, too.
Sunday, October 24, 2010
Health Care
I've been thinking about the health care available in this country for a few days. I've had some conversations with people this week about problems they've experienced and have come to the conclusion that I have been very lucky in this area. With all I've experienced, I've never had a health care horror story to share.
Three things about health care:
-The treatment I've received at my local hospital has always been very good. I have had some long waits in the ER, but nothing that put me at risk. The staff at this hospital have saved my life more than once, with quick diagnoses and treatment. My latest admission was just three months ago, and I believe they discharged me too soon. I did need to go back to walk-in clinics twice for infections. However, recuperating at home was likely the best option. Overall, with all my admissions over the years, I have been treated quickly, diagnosed correctly, and the staff treated me with respect and dignity. As well, the treatment at the Cancer Clinic and at various other health facilities, including walk-in clinics, has been good. Am I just lucky?
-People need to be actively involved in their own health care. Listen, take notes, ask questions, do research on what you've been told. Don't expect magic. If you don't understand something, ask. Take someone with you. I have never found a health care professional that is not willing to answer questions or allow other people to act as your advocate or note-taker or supporter. Speak up. You know your body best and if something is not right, tell them. And tell them over and over and over, if need be. The people who work in this profession are not gods, just people educated in an area where they make their best guess. Help them do their jobs by being open and honest. Admit your fear and confusion. If you are still not satisfied, look for someone else.
-Look for someone else; that is something I will need to do. My GP is retiring in four months. I have had this same doctor for more than thirty years and the thought of finding a new doctor is overwhelming. He has seen me through many varied and serious health problems. There is a severe shortage of GPs in this town and in this country. The clinic my doctor works out of does not have enough doctors to transfer me and his other patients to someone else in the same clinic. There is only one doctor on staff taking new patients, and my doctor told me "He is filling up fast". I'm worried about this. I have on-going tests and medication that needs to be taken care of and I want to start building a doctor/patient relationship with someone who can oversee my care on a regular basis. My plan is to book an appointment with this new guy as soon as possible, and hopefully start to transition my care immediately. If it doesn't work out this way, Iwill continue to shop for a doc. As frustrating as it may become, the onus is on me to find a doctor that I am comfortable with, that I like and trust. I hope it doesn't take too long and I hope I remember to take the advice myself that I've laid out above.
You may have had poor treatment at some time, or have gotten caught in a 'no doctors available' situation, or faced long treatment times, or been misdiagnosed. Health care in this country is suffering and is not what we've come to expect. The situation has changed and continues to deteriorate. My family doctor recommended an article in the latest issue of Reader's Digest - I've yet to find and read it, and he said he was surprised at the accuracy. We are still the lucky ones, though. When you open your eyes and ears to what is going on in other parts of the world - even just across the border in the States - you will see that health care for Canadians is pretty darn good, so far. Please take the very best of yourself.
Three things about health care:
-The treatment I've received at my local hospital has always been very good. I have had some long waits in the ER, but nothing that put me at risk. The staff at this hospital have saved my life more than once, with quick diagnoses and treatment. My latest admission was just three months ago, and I believe they discharged me too soon. I did need to go back to walk-in clinics twice for infections. However, recuperating at home was likely the best option. Overall, with all my admissions over the years, I have been treated quickly, diagnosed correctly, and the staff treated me with respect and dignity. As well, the treatment at the Cancer Clinic and at various other health facilities, including walk-in clinics, has been good. Am I just lucky?
-People need to be actively involved in their own health care. Listen, take notes, ask questions, do research on what you've been told. Don't expect magic. If you don't understand something, ask. Take someone with you. I have never found a health care professional that is not willing to answer questions or allow other people to act as your advocate or note-taker or supporter. Speak up. You know your body best and if something is not right, tell them. And tell them over and over and over, if need be. The people who work in this profession are not gods, just people educated in an area where they make their best guess. Help them do their jobs by being open and honest. Admit your fear and confusion. If you are still not satisfied, look for someone else.
-Look for someone else; that is something I will need to do. My GP is retiring in four months. I have had this same doctor for more than thirty years and the thought of finding a new doctor is overwhelming. He has seen me through many varied and serious health problems. There is a severe shortage of GPs in this town and in this country. The clinic my doctor works out of does not have enough doctors to transfer me and his other patients to someone else in the same clinic. There is only one doctor on staff taking new patients, and my doctor told me "He is filling up fast". I'm worried about this. I have on-going tests and medication that needs to be taken care of and I want to start building a doctor/patient relationship with someone who can oversee my care on a regular basis. My plan is to book an appointment with this new guy as soon as possible, and hopefully start to transition my care immediately. If it doesn't work out this way, Iwill continue to shop for a doc. As frustrating as it may become, the onus is on me to find a doctor that I am comfortable with, that I like and trust. I hope it doesn't take too long and I hope I remember to take the advice myself that I've laid out above.
You may have had poor treatment at some time, or have gotten caught in a 'no doctors available' situation, or faced long treatment times, or been misdiagnosed. Health care in this country is suffering and is not what we've come to expect. The situation has changed and continues to deteriorate. My family doctor recommended an article in the latest issue of Reader's Digest - I've yet to find and read it, and he said he was surprised at the accuracy. We are still the lucky ones, though. When you open your eyes and ears to what is going on in other parts of the world - even just across the border in the States - you will see that health care for Canadians is pretty darn good, so far. Please take the very best of yourself.
Monday, October 11, 2010
Names and Identity
I've talked about reclaiming myself and one step in this is going back to my maiden name. The Kid had some issues with this for awhile, but she is now comfortable with the idea. I asked one staff person at the local registries office about the steps to do this and she told me all I have to do is start using that name again. I've made a list of all the places I need to notify and it is a long list. I haven't yet done this, as I am quite overwhelmed at all the calls, emails, and letters to put the word out. It is still important to me. My name is my identity and the married name I've carried for over 30 years really has no meaning for me, but for so many people other than myself, that is my identity. I've been using this name for many years but it doesn't feel in my heart that that is who I am.
Three things about names:
-I go to a lab regularly for bloodwork and there are often twenty or more people waiting. Not so long ago, there were only four of us in the waiting room: me, a young lady about twenty, and an older lady with her son. The lab tech called "Angeline" and both the 20-something and the 70-something ladies stood up. What are the chances of three females randomly being in the same place, and two are named Angeline when they are two generations apart in age?
-I used to work with a man named Oberg. This is pronounced with the stress on the 'O'. A colleague always pronounced it O'Berg, with the emphasis on the 'Berg'. This drove me nuts - I don't know why it bothered me; the gentleman in question never corrected her.
-Why are nicknames called nicknames? I have had numerous nicknames from various people throughout my life, but I've never had one nickname that all my people use. I'm glad for this, I think, that I am truly known by my name. Of all the nicknames I have, not one is used by more than one person. Most have been an individual term of endearment used by one person, that indentifies my relationship with that person.
I will take the step to start using my maiden name again, once I get over the hump of figuring out how to notify over three dozen companies and agencies, not to mention the scores of people I know outside of business relationships. I yam who I yam.
Three things about names:
-I go to a lab regularly for bloodwork and there are often twenty or more people waiting. Not so long ago, there were only four of us in the waiting room: me, a young lady about twenty, and an older lady with her son. The lab tech called "Angeline" and both the 20-something and the 70-something ladies stood up. What are the chances of three females randomly being in the same place, and two are named Angeline when they are two generations apart in age?
-I used to work with a man named Oberg. This is pronounced with the stress on the 'O'. A colleague always pronounced it O'Berg, with the emphasis on the 'Berg'. This drove me nuts - I don't know why it bothered me; the gentleman in question never corrected her.
-Why are nicknames called nicknames? I have had numerous nicknames from various people throughout my life, but I've never had one nickname that all my people use. I'm glad for this, I think, that I am truly known by my name. Of all the nicknames I have, not one is used by more than one person. Most have been an individual term of endearment used by one person, that indentifies my relationship with that person.
I will take the step to start using my maiden name again, once I get over the hump of figuring out how to notify over three dozen companies and agencies, not to mention the scores of people I know outside of business relationships. I yam who I yam.
Saturday, September 25, 2010
Change and Stability
Songs and cliches about change have been floating in my head this past week. "Change is good" is the one that is most often coming to mind, over and over, as though I'm trying to convince myself and beat it into my core being.
Three things about change:
-Some things at my work will once again be changing in the near future. I'm not looking forward to it. The amount of change there gets tiresome for me and I allow myself to become stressed by the constant change. Things must change as part of the general flow of things, of people, of life. Too many changes in a short time leaves me kind of breathless and feeling like I'll never be caught up, never know what is going on. Change may be good, but stability is important to me.
-I'm trying to make small changes in my life, too. I've keyed into some of the concepts and ideas and actions that will help bring me closer to the lifestyle I want (need) for myself. Some small and simple changes will bring me so much closer to the person I long to be, but the comfort of now makes it very difficult to implement those changes. My whole life changed as a result of my meet-and greet with cancer, and my recent surgery this summer brought the message back to me. Yet I fall back into my old habits and patterns that do not move me forward. Why? I need to feel stable in myself so I can adjust to the changes, both internal and external.
-Once again, a paradox. No yin without yang. No tall without short. And no clarity without confusion. The answers will come to me as I muddle through the work changes and the patterns and habits I've established in my life. Patience and time.
"Change is good". "Rock solid". I need both.
Three things about change:
-Some things at my work will once again be changing in the near future. I'm not looking forward to it. The amount of change there gets tiresome for me and I allow myself to become stressed by the constant change. Things must change as part of the general flow of things, of people, of life. Too many changes in a short time leaves me kind of breathless and feeling like I'll never be caught up, never know what is going on. Change may be good, but stability is important to me.
-I'm trying to make small changes in my life, too. I've keyed into some of the concepts and ideas and actions that will help bring me closer to the lifestyle I want (need) for myself. Some small and simple changes will bring me so much closer to the person I long to be, but the comfort of now makes it very difficult to implement those changes. My whole life changed as a result of my meet-and greet with cancer, and my recent surgery this summer brought the message back to me. Yet I fall back into my old habits and patterns that do not move me forward. Why? I need to feel stable in myself so I can adjust to the changes, both internal and external.
-Once again, a paradox. No yin without yang. No tall without short. And no clarity without confusion. The answers will come to me as I muddle through the work changes and the patterns and habits I've established in my life. Patience and time.
"Change is good". "Rock solid". I need both.
Sunday, September 12, 2010
How I Fed My Soul
As every day stretches into the next, and as I return to the 'every day routine' of getting back to work, I have to work a little harder to find those things that feed my soul. They are there, everyday, but I get distracted by the 'shoulds', the 'I need tos', the 'maintenances of life'. It is far easier for me to remember to appreciate the soul-feeding moments in a day when I'm relaxed and not busy. The busy and stressful times are when I most need the soul-feeding. Sometimes I don't see them or appreciate them until I'm looking back. That's okay, I guess. At least I find them in retrospect, but to get to a place where I can recognize them in the rough times is where the most benefit is. Finding a soul-feeding moment, even a milli-second, in the midst of chaos (whether the chaos is external or in my mind) can change the entire situation.
Three things that fed my soul recently:
-time laughing with family, and poking gentle fun at myself.
-doing a Tai Chi set, and letting my mind focus on the moves, and not worrying about whether I was doing it correctly or whether people were watching and judging my ability.
-feeling the warmth from the sun, for the brief period it was shining yesterday.
I didn't notice, at the time, that these were feeding my soul, and taking me to a calmer, more relaxed place. I hope I can more easily key into these times while they are happening, but even with reflecting and recognizing them in retrospect, it makes my life fuller and happier, and brings more peace inside. May you feed your soul today.
Three things that fed my soul recently:
-time laughing with family, and poking gentle fun at myself.
-doing a Tai Chi set, and letting my mind focus on the moves, and not worrying about whether I was doing it correctly or whether people were watching and judging my ability.
-feeling the warmth from the sun, for the brief period it was shining yesterday.
I didn't notice, at the time, that these were feeding my soul, and taking me to a calmer, more relaxed place. I hope I can more easily key into these times while they are happening, but even with reflecting and recognizing them in retrospect, it makes my life fuller and happier, and brings more peace inside. May you feed your soul today.
Thursday, September 2, 2010
Steps to Make Changes
I've been feeling rather unsettled the last few days. I have recuperated from my surgery and am spending time on some things I love to do. With the thought of returning to work next week constantly at the back of my mind, it has been much harder to stay in the present moment to fuly enjoy what I'm doing. Once again, I face the struggle of spending most of my waking hours at my job. I wonder how I get to where I need to be?
Three things to help me reconcile myself to where I am at and the steps to take to the next part of my life:
-I took a Reiki workshop a couple weeks ago. I'm not thinking of this as a money-making venture for me. My intent was to learn something new and to open my mind to other possibilities. The intent was met and I am now doing Reiki on myself, with good results. The old demon, impatience, keeps rearing up. I know I need to change my work situation, but today, this week, I'm not sure how or when. The financial part of this work keeps me tied there, and I do enjoy where my financial health is at. I'm not sure how to move away from that. While it is tempting to take a leap, leave the job, place my trust in the unknown, and move onto what I truly want, the mortgage still needs to be paid and my body still needs to be fed. Step One: make a plan.
-With the above financial aspects playing such a large part of my feelings, I often feels trapped and boxed in, with no options. Logically, I know this is not true. There are always options and keeping my eyes open to see those options and look for new opportunites is Step Two.
-Time and I have a love/hate relationship. Regular readers may have picked up on that. Step Three is to put some time limits on my current situation. My downfall with this in the past has been to say, "I'll give this six months". After the six months I face this again and then again go through the same emotions. I find the good stuff in my work and continue on with another "I'll give this six months". There IS much that is good abouut my work and I do enjoy most aspects of it. I don't have a passion for it, though. If I rationalize and justify staying at my job after my next self-imposed time line, for my own sanity I need to work at true acceptance of that, and continue with the Step One plan.
More than many people, I know life can change in a few moments. It is so very important to me to enjoy and love what I choose to do, whatever that is on any given day, and to continue to build strong and loving relationships. This is where I need to be. I will get there as fully as I can, as soon as I can.
Thanks for reading and making your way through the many time-worn and cliched phrases I've chosen today.
Three things to help me reconcile myself to where I am at and the steps to take to the next part of my life:
-I took a Reiki workshop a couple weeks ago. I'm not thinking of this as a money-making venture for me. My intent was to learn something new and to open my mind to other possibilities. The intent was met and I am now doing Reiki on myself, with good results. The old demon, impatience, keeps rearing up. I know I need to change my work situation, but today, this week, I'm not sure how or when. The financial part of this work keeps me tied there, and I do enjoy where my financial health is at. I'm not sure how to move away from that. While it is tempting to take a leap, leave the job, place my trust in the unknown, and move onto what I truly want, the mortgage still needs to be paid and my body still needs to be fed. Step One: make a plan.
-With the above financial aspects playing such a large part of my feelings, I often feels trapped and boxed in, with no options. Logically, I know this is not true. There are always options and keeping my eyes open to see those options and look for new opportunites is Step Two.
-Time and I have a love/hate relationship. Regular readers may have picked up on that. Step Three is to put some time limits on my current situation. My downfall with this in the past has been to say, "I'll give this six months". After the six months I face this again and then again go through the same emotions. I find the good stuff in my work and continue on with another "I'll give this six months". There IS much that is good abouut my work and I do enjoy most aspects of it. I don't have a passion for it, though. If I rationalize and justify staying at my job after my next self-imposed time line, for my own sanity I need to work at true acceptance of that, and continue with the Step One plan.
More than many people, I know life can change in a few moments. It is so very important to me to enjoy and love what I choose to do, whatever that is on any given day, and to continue to build strong and loving relationships. This is where I need to be. I will get there as fully as I can, as soon as I can.
Thanks for reading and making your way through the many time-worn and cliched phrases I've chosen today.
Monday, August 30, 2010
Family Treasures
I had the wonderful opportunity this summer to attend family reunions on both my maternal and paternal sides of the family. What wonderful times these were! I've become the family historian, I guess, through my interest in genealogy. I am fortunate in that I became the custodian of some new photographs and objects, given to me in trust at these reunions.
Three things about family treasures:
-A cousin has named me as the safe-keeper of a picture of my grandparents, circa 1918. And not only the picture, but the negative! In looking at this and some other old photos, I am amazed at the quality and clarity of these pictures. Some are taken in the late 1800's and early 1900's. I wonder how precious photographs will be for The Kid and other generations that follow, with the explosion of pictures taken digitally. Photographs are now common place and not a precious and expensive commodity. I also wonder if the medium of digital will last over hundreds of years, as old photos do now. I also saw and coveted a photo of four generations - my great-grandmother, my grandmother, my aunt, and her little infant daughter. I don't know who owns this picture, but hope to find out, and to visit that person in hopes of scanning this treasure.
-Brother One has named me the safe-keeper of an old copy of "Treasure Island" with my father's hand-written name, followed by my next-in-age uncle who wrote his name many, many times in this book. It is obvious that this was first my Dad's book and then passed along to his brother. I didn't know this book existed. In a large family, it is hard to know who may have what, who kept what, what was important or triggered some special feelings for an individual. There are objects and photographs scattered throughout this large immediate and extended family of mine and I hope to spend my retirement visiting many of them, collecting stories and photos. It is all of our information now and needs to be shared with the many descendants. I wish my retirement could come sooner.
-The greatest family treasures are the people. Spending time with my immediate and extended family creates the memories, which are next on the ladder or hierarchy of family treasures. The feelings people have for objects turns the objects into a third tier of treasures. Every family has a story of some insignificant object being important to someone, because of the connection back to memories and the connection back to a person loved.
As the unofficial historian, I have a responsibility to guard and keep safe the photographs, documents, objects, and stories entrusted to me. I often think of having a safety deposit box to ensure these treasures are safe, but have yet to do so. I want to scan the photos and documents first, but there is still a risk of having them here in my house. We have instances on both sides of the family of items lost due to theft or fire or improper storage. I must look into a safety deposit box soon - I've promised so many of my treasured people that I will take care of 'the stuff'.
Take care of your people and your memories and whatever objects you treasure. The connections to others is all we have that is important.
Three things about family treasures:
-A cousin has named me as the safe-keeper of a picture of my grandparents, circa 1918. And not only the picture, but the negative! In looking at this and some other old photos, I am amazed at the quality and clarity of these pictures. Some are taken in the late 1800's and early 1900's. I wonder how precious photographs will be for The Kid and other generations that follow, with the explosion of pictures taken digitally. Photographs are now common place and not a precious and expensive commodity. I also wonder if the medium of digital will last over hundreds of years, as old photos do now. I also saw and coveted a photo of four generations - my great-grandmother, my grandmother, my aunt, and her little infant daughter. I don't know who owns this picture, but hope to find out, and to visit that person in hopes of scanning this treasure.
-Brother One has named me the safe-keeper of an old copy of "Treasure Island" with my father's hand-written name, followed by my next-in-age uncle who wrote his name many, many times in this book. It is obvious that this was first my Dad's book and then passed along to his brother. I didn't know this book existed. In a large family, it is hard to know who may have what, who kept what, what was important or triggered some special feelings for an individual. There are objects and photographs scattered throughout this large immediate and extended family of mine and I hope to spend my retirement visiting many of them, collecting stories and photos. It is all of our information now and needs to be shared with the many descendants. I wish my retirement could come sooner.
-The greatest family treasures are the people. Spending time with my immediate and extended family creates the memories, which are next on the ladder or hierarchy of family treasures. The feelings people have for objects turns the objects into a third tier of treasures. Every family has a story of some insignificant object being important to someone, because of the connection back to memories and the connection back to a person loved.
As the unofficial historian, I have a responsibility to guard and keep safe the photographs, documents, objects, and stories entrusted to me. I often think of having a safety deposit box to ensure these treasures are safe, but have yet to do so. I want to scan the photos and documents first, but there is still a risk of having them here in my house. We have instances on both sides of the family of items lost due to theft or fire or improper storage. I must look into a safety deposit box soon - I've promised so many of my treasured people that I will take care of 'the stuff'.
Take care of your people and your memories and whatever objects you treasure. The connections to others is all we have that is important.
Sunday, August 15, 2010
A list of things that could have been "Three Things" topics.
I haven't posted regulary for quite some time. It hasn't been for lack of topics: the emotions of walking in the Relay for Life again this year, my first cruise experience, some major milestones reached at work, the joy of good friends, the wonder of a family that supports me always, magical summer days with immediate and extended family, the planning of two reunions and the success of both, unexpected surgery, hospital observations & revelations, watching people I care about fight huge adversity, soul-searching and self-learning, the wonder of Hubbard Glacier, the soul-feeding trip to the mountains, the absolute feeling of mastery & accomplishment in completing one chunk of my family history story and using the afore-mentioned binding machine, frustrations with work, insights, the collective spirit of extended family gathering to walk in a small town parade, annoyance at Shaw and digital tv, getting back to Tai Chi, re-finding myself, hugging one of my bosses. And about a zillion others. It's been an unusual summer so far...
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
I work At
Three weeks ago this morning, I was laying in a hospital bed, waiting for emergency surgery. I had been in ER for about fourteen hours when I realized I had to let someone know what was going on. I hadn't thought about that throughout the night - I was just thinking I'd have the surgery and then let people know. So I called my car pool and called someone from work - those calls took care of obligations. I woke up Sister One to tell her, which is a horrible way to be woken up. I made arrangements for The Kid to be contacted. That call connected me with people who love me, who care for me, and who would carry me on their shoulders - this was the call I really needed to make. My fear was much less.
Two weeks ago this morning, I was waiting in the same hospital bed for a friend to pick me up and bring me home. I was not feeling at all well and wanted to stay in hospital for a few more days. I got home and managed to shower and take care of myself for a few hours until Sister One arrived that afternoon to stay with me for a day or so.
One week ago this morning, I was getting into a car with Sisters One, Two, and Three to drive to a lake a couple hours away for a family picnic. It became a beautiful, peaceful, and healing day. I think it was the first day since the surgery that I felt really quite well (although tired) and closer to normal.
Who knows where I will be and what I will be doing one week from this morning? Life throws you curves and the the rolls of the dice can bring you anything, in a blink of an eye. I know the fear of cancer returning will always be part of my life and it that has helped me to live a fuller life. The fear that something more will happen with my health, out of the blue, is unsettling this time around.
Three things I strive to do, to get as much satisfaction and enjoyment as I can, in the time I'm here:
-I try to find a way to feed my soul every day. I feel old frustrations and anger when I don't.
-I try to remember how lucky I am to be alive. Blood clots, cancer, emergency surgeries - any of them could have killed me. I'm still here and don't know why.
-I try to love and accept my people at all times. Each idiosyncrasy of each person is just a part of who they are and I need them all in my life.
Who knows what the next three weeks will bring? I pray I can love, laugh, enjoy, and embrace all my life has to offer.
Two weeks ago this morning, I was waiting in the same hospital bed for a friend to pick me up and bring me home. I was not feeling at all well and wanted to stay in hospital for a few more days. I got home and managed to shower and take care of myself for a few hours until Sister One arrived that afternoon to stay with me for a day or so.
One week ago this morning, I was getting into a car with Sisters One, Two, and Three to drive to a lake a couple hours away for a family picnic. It became a beautiful, peaceful, and healing day. I think it was the first day since the surgery that I felt really quite well (although tired) and closer to normal.
Who knows where I will be and what I will be doing one week from this morning? Life throws you curves and the the rolls of the dice can bring you anything, in a blink of an eye. I know the fear of cancer returning will always be part of my life and it that has helped me to live a fuller life. The fear that something more will happen with my health, out of the blue, is unsettling this time around.
Three things I strive to do, to get as much satisfaction and enjoyment as I can, in the time I'm here:
-I try to find a way to feed my soul every day. I feel old frustrations and anger when I don't.
-I try to remember how lucky I am to be alive. Blood clots, cancer, emergency surgeries - any of them could have killed me. I'm still here and don't know why.
-I try to love and accept my people at all times. Each idiosyncrasy of each person is just a part of who they are and I need them all in my life.
Who knows what the next three weeks will bring? I pray I can love, laugh, enjoy, and embrace all my life has to offer.
Sunday, August 8, 2010
Just three things
-After an enforced hiatus due to unexpected emergency surgery, I'm back. Life it starting to return to normal. I'm struggling with this as I think I should be stronger than I am at this point in my return to health and reality. I drove today for the first time in three weeks. It felt quite weird. I'm also having some strong emotions about this recent roll of the dice that I'm working to sort out.
-My family was here during my recovery and this helped me along. The visits and vacations were planned months ago to coincide with family reunions on both my maternal and paternal side. Very magical days for me and the surgery, family visits, and reunions once again helped me remember people are the most important thing in life.
-My house is too quiet after having people here for eight days. I'm both relishing and hating the quiet today.
See you sooner than last time.
-My family was here during my recovery and this helped me along. The visits and vacations were planned months ago to coincide with family reunions on both my maternal and paternal side. Very magical days for me and the surgery, family visits, and reunions once again helped me remember people are the most important thing in life.
-My house is too quiet after having people here for eight days. I'm both relishing and hating the quiet today.
See you sooner than last time.
Monday, July 5, 2010
Getting Away
I just returned from a terrific holiday with Sisters One and Three and Niece One. I am so relaxed today that even grocery shopping and laundry seem less chore-like and less mundane.
Three things about getting away to somewhere new, seeing things I've never seen before with people I love:
-living in the present is easier
-true meditation for me comes with quiet moment spent in nature's wonder, mesmerized by the awe-inspiring world around me
-nothing feels as good as laughing so hard you can't catch your breath
Three things about getting away to somewhere new, seeing things I've never seen before with people I love:
-living in the present is easier
-true meditation for me comes with quiet moment spent in nature's wonder, mesmerized by the awe-inspiring world around me
-nothing feels as good as laughing so hard you can't catch your breath
Saturday, June 5, 2010
Updates about Size Five Black Reeboks
After my last post, I did some searching on line. Three things I found out:
-The Sears on line catalogue has these shoes. Why would the hard copy not?
-The style is now called "Princess", and not "Classic". When did Reebok change the name and why?
-They have a section for on-line comments/reviews (yeah, seriously) and all four reviews praised the shoes and complimented Sears for carrying them, with two comments about how hard these shoes are to find. I'm surprised about the commenting option and even more surprised that people commented. I'm feeling satsified and kind of smug or something that others are frustrated with being able to find these. I'm not alone! Whatever will the five of us do if Reebok quits manufacturing them or Sears quits selling them?
I didn't pull out my credit card and order some. However, I did go back to Sears today and found a very helpful lady behind the catalogue counter. Two pairs ordered! My feet will be happy again as of June 18th! Watch for me dancing like a princess in the street. Classic!
-The Sears on line catalogue has these shoes. Why would the hard copy not?
-The style is now called "Princess", and not "Classic". When did Reebok change the name and why?
-They have a section for on-line comments/reviews (yeah, seriously) and all four reviews praised the shoes and complimented Sears for carrying them, with two comments about how hard these shoes are to find. I'm surprised about the commenting option and even more surprised that people commented. I'm feeling satsified and kind of smug or something that others are frustrated with being able to find these. I'm not alone! Whatever will the five of us do if Reebok quits manufacturing them or Sears quits selling them?
I didn't pull out my credit card and order some. However, I did go back to Sears today and found a very helpful lady behind the catalogue counter. Two pairs ordered! My feet will be happy again as of June 18th! Watch for me dancing like a princess in the street. Classic!
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
Shopping for Runners
I was trying to find runners last week and once again came home empty-handed. Runners are all I wear any more - everything else hurts my feet. I have bought six pairs of shoes in the past two years that I cannot wear.
Three things about shopping for runners:
-I want size five black Reeboks, Classic style. They fit my feet. My feet don't hurt. They are not heavy. They do not have a four inch sole. I used to be able to find these in a number of stores. But two strange thing have happened. 1). Few stores in my city sell Reebok brand now. 2). As the clothing people have created only wee small clothes and sizes are smaller than they used to be, the shoe people have almost quit making size 5 shoes at all, in any style. Even at a high-end specialty shoe store, the saleslady told me they have a hard time ordering small sizes, even from their European suppliers.
-Sears carries the brand and style, but not size 5. A few years ago they could be ordered from their catalogue. Guess what? They don't have them in the catalogue any more AND you can't order things "from the floor" that aren't in their catalogue. The sales person was rude and grumpy and treated me like I was an idiot who just didn't get it.
-The Bay carries these in size 5 in white. Blacks start at size 6. Last year I broke down and bought size 6 and tried wearing them with heavier socks and heel grips. Blisters! So, I broke down and bought white size 5's. They feel wonderful, but white shoes do not match everything, and after a short time they look awful and dirty. Last week, I asked the Bay if they would order them in for me. No, they can't do that. But, this sales person tried hard to accomodate me - she checked their computer for all Alberta stores. If someone else had them in stock, she could order them from another store. I told her if she could find some, I would take three pairs. I'm so very tired of trying to find these shoes. Alas and Alack! No size 5 Reeboks in any Bay in Alberta. She went an extra mile for me. She then looked Canada wide and found three stores 'down east' who might have them. She phoned all three Eastern stores - NO SIZE 5 BLACK REEBOKS. There was a tremendous difference between the way I was treated at The Bay versus Sears. I'm glad The Bay was my second stop. She made me (almost) forget about the bored and rude person at Sears.
-I long for the days when my feet could wear anything, and I long for the days when the shelves were full of size fives. Kids size 3 fit me, but there is not enough arch support and they hurt my old feet They didn't hurt my young feet. Is it time for orthotics? Maybe - but first I have to find size five shoes.
If anyone, anywhere, anytime finds size 5 black Reebok runners, Classic style, buy me two or three or four pairs. You will be reimbursed and there is a finder's fee!
Three things about shopping for runners:
-I want size five black Reeboks, Classic style. They fit my feet. My feet don't hurt. They are not heavy. They do not have a four inch sole. I used to be able to find these in a number of stores. But two strange thing have happened. 1). Few stores in my city sell Reebok brand now. 2). As the clothing people have created only wee small clothes and sizes are smaller than they used to be, the shoe people have almost quit making size 5 shoes at all, in any style. Even at a high-end specialty shoe store, the saleslady told me they have a hard time ordering small sizes, even from their European suppliers.
-Sears carries the brand and style, but not size 5. A few years ago they could be ordered from their catalogue. Guess what? They don't have them in the catalogue any more AND you can't order things "from the floor" that aren't in their catalogue. The sales person was rude and grumpy and treated me like I was an idiot who just didn't get it.
-The Bay carries these in size 5 in white. Blacks start at size 6. Last year I broke down and bought size 6 and tried wearing them with heavier socks and heel grips. Blisters! So, I broke down and bought white size 5's. They feel wonderful, but white shoes do not match everything, and after a short time they look awful and dirty. Last week, I asked the Bay if they would order them in for me. No, they can't do that. But, this sales person tried hard to accomodate me - she checked their computer for all Alberta stores. If someone else had them in stock, she could order them from another store. I told her if she could find some, I would take three pairs. I'm so very tired of trying to find these shoes. Alas and Alack! No size 5 Reeboks in any Bay in Alberta. She went an extra mile for me. She then looked Canada wide and found three stores 'down east' who might have them. She phoned all three Eastern stores - NO SIZE 5 BLACK REEBOKS. There was a tremendous difference between the way I was treated at The Bay versus Sears. I'm glad The Bay was my second stop. She made me (almost) forget about the bored and rude person at Sears.
-I long for the days when my feet could wear anything, and I long for the days when the shelves were full of size fives. Kids size 3 fit me, but there is not enough arch support and they hurt my old feet They didn't hurt my young feet. Is it time for orthotics? Maybe - but first I have to find size five shoes.
If anyone, anywhere, anytime finds size 5 black Reebok runners, Classic style, buy me two or three or four pairs. You will be reimbursed and there is a finder's fee!
Sunday, May 23, 2010
Thoughts About Time
I said I'd be back, and here I am. I realized that it is almost the end of May and I'd written only once this month, and that was to comment on why I hadn't written. Those of you who visit here regularly know I'm struggling with time and the perceived lack of same. I've been thinking about and self-analyzing that daily, since I last scribbled a few thoughts here.
Three more thoughts about time:
-My meet-and-greet with cancer, and facing my own mortality has changed me and changed my life in ways I can't articulate. One change is wanting to get stuff done. That is a very broad and open statement but there are so many things under the 'stuff' column that I have to lump them together as 'stuff'. I do have lists and lists and lists of things to do. It's a good technique for me - it helps sort out what truly is an obligation against the what-I-really-want-to-do list. The wanting to get stuff done comes from an underlying fear that I will die before I do what I want. I believe the fear of cancer coming back will never go away. It doesn't cripple or debilitate me, but rather pushes me to pursue. I have been working at accepting my fear lately, rather than pretending it isn't there. It seems easier to push it aside and forge onward, but turning my back on the fear recreates my previous poor coping mechanisms. Denial is crippling and the energy used to fight emotions destroys part of my soul and part of the very being of who I am. I'm scared - plain and simple. I can work with the fear to accomplish and to conquer life.
-Living in the moment, stopping to smell the flowers, being in the now. These are all terms to try to describe the same concept. This is a very difficult thing to do and I think I'm better at it now than in my pre-cancer life. I function better if I have plans made and if I build rewards into my life. Deadlines at work push and encourage me to do some of my best work. It is an oxymoron of sorts, but plans and deadlines help me (most of the time) to stay in the present. I know when I overdo it and can catch myself tottering on the edge of burnout/wired to the max/frantic-ness more quickly now than in my previous life. I enjoy my activities and work in the present so I can enjoy my activites and work more in the future.
-At this moment, right now, I'm feeling frustrated because I can not find the words I want to use to capture and explain my feelings. I have a need to explain it to you so that it makes more sense in my head, so I can understand it.
I am off work for a week, with no scheduled obligations. I am very much looking forward to it, and there are many things I want to do this week, including laying on the couch watching garbage TV or some other mindless relaxing (non) activities. The trick will be letting myself do what I want to do any given day or any given minute, without self-recriminations about all the other things I want to do. And time continues to be both my friend and my enemy.
Three more thoughts about time:
-My meet-and-greet with cancer, and facing my own mortality has changed me and changed my life in ways I can't articulate. One change is wanting to get stuff done. That is a very broad and open statement but there are so many things under the 'stuff' column that I have to lump them together as 'stuff'. I do have lists and lists and lists of things to do. It's a good technique for me - it helps sort out what truly is an obligation against the what-I-really-want-to-do list. The wanting to get stuff done comes from an underlying fear that I will die before I do what I want. I believe the fear of cancer coming back will never go away. It doesn't cripple or debilitate me, but rather pushes me to pursue. I have been working at accepting my fear lately, rather than pretending it isn't there. It seems easier to push it aside and forge onward, but turning my back on the fear recreates my previous poor coping mechanisms. Denial is crippling and the energy used to fight emotions destroys part of my soul and part of the very being of who I am. I'm scared - plain and simple. I can work with the fear to accomplish and to conquer life.
-Living in the moment, stopping to smell the flowers, being in the now. These are all terms to try to describe the same concept. This is a very difficult thing to do and I think I'm better at it now than in my pre-cancer life. I function better if I have plans made and if I build rewards into my life. Deadlines at work push and encourage me to do some of my best work. It is an oxymoron of sorts, but plans and deadlines help me (most of the time) to stay in the present. I know when I overdo it and can catch myself tottering on the edge of burnout/wired to the max/frantic-ness more quickly now than in my previous life. I enjoy my activities and work in the present so I can enjoy my activites and work more in the future.
-At this moment, right now, I'm feeling frustrated because I can not find the words I want to use to capture and explain my feelings. I have a need to explain it to you so that it makes more sense in my head, so I can understand it.
I am off work for a week, with no scheduled obligations. I am very much looking forward to it, and there are many things I want to do this week, including laying on the couch watching garbage TV or some other mindless relaxing (non) activities. The trick will be letting myself do what I want to do any given day or any given minute, without self-recriminations about all the other things I want to do. And time continues to be both my friend and my enemy.
Saturday, May 8, 2010
Blogging
Once again, weeks have gone by without any posts. Why is that? Three reasons I haven't blogged for awhile:
-I had a busy month in April, doing a lot of extra things, with weekends also taken up by out of the oridinary activities
-I've said a number of times that it doesn't matter if anyone is reading this and that I'm doing it for myself. Well, would I be putting my thoughts and scribblings out there for the world to see, if I didn't want readers? Can I expect readers if I'm not writing? (I think not.)I know I have a couple regular readers. Thanks for continuing to check this out - you know who you are.
-After the busy-ness took over, I forgot I had a blog. Truly, seriously. Now I'm back. Stay tuned.
-I had a busy month in April, doing a lot of extra things, with weekends also taken up by out of the oridinary activities
-I've said a number of times that it doesn't matter if anyone is reading this and that I'm doing it for myself. Well, would I be putting my thoughts and scribblings out there for the world to see, if I didn't want readers? Can I expect readers if I'm not writing? (I think not.)I know I have a couple regular readers. Thanks for continuing to check this out - you know who you are.
-After the busy-ness took over, I forgot I had a blog. Truly, seriously. Now I'm back. Stay tuned.
Saturday, April 17, 2010
Exciting things!
I haven't written much for a long time. I've been staying busy and my blog has fallen to the bottom of the list of things to do. I have a few extra minutes today so time for a quick entry.
Three exciting things about today:
-Sister Two confirmed she is coming home for two weeks this summer
-Brother One confirmed he is coming home this summer
-The maternal side of the family is gearing up for the reunion
It will be a great summer!
Three exciting things about today:
-Sister Two confirmed she is coming home for two weeks this summer
-Brother One confirmed he is coming home this summer
-The maternal side of the family is gearing up for the reunion
It will be a great summer!
Saturday, March 27, 2010
The Stationery Gene
My stationery gene has been acting up this month. My creativity gene activates the stationery gene, but usually by the time I get home, the creativity gene returns to its' dormant state. Maybe they work more like hormones, playing off each other, pathways that need each other to survive, but not always at a perfectly balanced level.
Three things of many I've purchased this month:
-six photo frames, with the intent to create wonderful works of art to frame and hang on my walls. I'm sure I'll find: space to store them until the wonderful works of art are completed, time to do this, and space on my walls to actually hang them. The wonderful works of art are already finished and beautiful in my imagination, so I may not have to do the work to actually create them.
-a little gizmo to create stickers. I used one at a scrapbooking retreat to make stickers out of die cuts made by the Cricut (another stationery gene purchase, about last year at this time. It is gadget that cuts paper into beautiful letters and amazing shapes). It is very cool and you can run almost any kind of paper through it and have it come out as a sticker. I haven't used my own yet, though, but I will and I'll make stickers galore. I can make stickers to go over the buttons I can't quite throw away.
-a spiral book-binding machine. This is the big purchase. The plan is to use it to bind the family history stories I want to write. I've almost completed one story - my target date was Easter, but it might be hard to make that target with only a week left to go and other plans for this coming week. Perhaps I should have waited to buy the binding gizmo until I had something ready to bind. I'm so excited about this new toy! I almost bound blank pages together last week just to try it out. Maybe I will do that - I can make a blank book to create something in!
I sometimes struggle with buyer's remorse after a trip when the gene is in its fully active state. I haven't given in to the desire to buy a laminating doo-dad yet, but I can feel it coming. I wish the creativity gene would flare up when I'm home and energetic. That would ease the buyer's remorse. The purchasing of all this cool stuff has evolved into a hobby in itself. I may end up on the hoarders reality show, with front-end loaders moving tons of pretty paper, markers, pens, cutters, book-binders, envelopes, cards, rulers, erasers, binders, foolscap, looseleaf, paint, paper clips, staplers, crayons, coloring books, pencils, poster boards. Or maybe I will make at least one wonderful work of art.
Three things of many I've purchased this month:
-six photo frames, with the intent to create wonderful works of art to frame and hang on my walls. I'm sure I'll find: space to store them until the wonderful works of art are completed, time to do this, and space on my walls to actually hang them. The wonderful works of art are already finished and beautiful in my imagination, so I may not have to do the work to actually create them.
-a little gizmo to create stickers. I used one at a scrapbooking retreat to make stickers out of die cuts made by the Cricut (another stationery gene purchase, about last year at this time. It is gadget that cuts paper into beautiful letters and amazing shapes). It is very cool and you can run almost any kind of paper through it and have it come out as a sticker. I haven't used my own yet, though, but I will and I'll make stickers galore. I can make stickers to go over the buttons I can't quite throw away.
-a spiral book-binding machine. This is the big purchase. The plan is to use it to bind the family history stories I want to write. I've almost completed one story - my target date was Easter, but it might be hard to make that target with only a week left to go and other plans for this coming week. Perhaps I should have waited to buy the binding gizmo until I had something ready to bind. I'm so excited about this new toy! I almost bound blank pages together last week just to try it out. Maybe I will do that - I can make a blank book to create something in!
I sometimes struggle with buyer's remorse after a trip when the gene is in its fully active state. I haven't given in to the desire to buy a laminating doo-dad yet, but I can feel it coming. I wish the creativity gene would flare up when I'm home and energetic. That would ease the buyer's remorse. The purchasing of all this cool stuff has evolved into a hobby in itself. I may end up on the hoarders reality show, with front-end loaders moving tons of pretty paper, markers, pens, cutters, book-binders, envelopes, cards, rulers, erasers, binders, foolscap, looseleaf, paint, paper clips, staplers, crayons, coloring books, pencils, poster boards. Or maybe I will make at least one wonderful work of art.
Sunday, March 21, 2010
Road Trips
Yesterday was the first official day of spring, according to the calendar. The weather where I live was warm, with bits of sunshine coming through. A beautiful day. In this part of the world, we could have been looking at a raging blizzard and thirty below weather (and we may still have to face that). I headed out with Brother 4 and his woman for a drive. I think many people wouldn't call a one day drive of a couple hundred kilometres a 'road trip', but we do call them that. A day on the road, looking for whatever we might find, mini-adventures in a few short hours. We didn't go anywhere different, instead we drove to places we've been before.
Three things about yesterday's road trip:
-small town second hand stores are always interesting. I wonder how they stay in business?
-there is a feeling of sadness and some kind of longing seeing small towns that used to be bustling and busy sitting almost empty. Kind of like ghost towns, but with a few hardy people there who refuse to leave for a bigger and busier centre. How can most businesses be closed on a Saturday afternoon?
-the town where my Mom grew up is getting smaller, with less and less to offer in residents in the way of amenities of any sort. There are no stores left, no hotel, and the gas station looked closed. We saw four cars in front of the town hall, but not one person on the streeets or in their yards. This was a busy town and is now an empty shell.
I wonder where the next road trip will take me, and what emotions I'll have to sort through at the end of the day?
Three things about yesterday's road trip:
-small town second hand stores are always interesting. I wonder how they stay in business?
-there is a feeling of sadness and some kind of longing seeing small towns that used to be bustling and busy sitting almost empty. Kind of like ghost towns, but with a few hardy people there who refuse to leave for a bigger and busier centre. How can most businesses be closed on a Saturday afternoon?
-the town where my Mom grew up is getting smaller, with less and less to offer in residents in the way of amenities of any sort. There are no stores left, no hotel, and the gas station looked closed. We saw four cars in front of the town hall, but not one person on the streeets or in their yards. This was a busy town and is now an empty shell.
I wonder where the next road trip will take me, and what emotions I'll have to sort through at the end of the day?
Sunday, March 7, 2010
Learning
I'm taking a Project Managers course - six two-day seminars spread over a number of months. I've enjoyed my first two sessions very much and although I don't know if this will help me in any tangible way in my current job (read $$), it will in less tangible ways. My company agreed to pay for the first session, a Project Management overview, but not the other sessions. The reasons given were vague and left me angry and frustrated, but I decided to go forward anyway. I'm doing this for me and not to promote the corporate good. I assumed the benefits I could give back to the company would translate to them viewing me as an asset worth investing in. They will benefit without it costing them money. Good play on their part, I guess. My rant is over, but the frustration remains (for now).
Three things I learned this week:
-I re-learned that I love learning new things, and if I were independently wealthy, I would become a professional student.
-I learned if you trust someone to do their best, they will make every effort to do their best. The catch is remembering that their best may not be your ideal vision.
-I learned that laughter and silliness can work in any situation to make it better.
Three things I learned this week:
-I re-learned that I love learning new things, and if I were independently wealthy, I would become a professional student.
-I learned if you trust someone to do their best, they will make every effort to do their best. The catch is remembering that their best may not be your ideal vision.
-I learned that laughter and silliness can work in any situation to make it better.
Saturday, February 27, 2010
Three Rambling Thoughts
-The TV is on in the background, and I'm half-listening to the Olympic Curling match for gold. I watch very little Olympics in winter and none at all during the summer games. With the event in Vancouver this year, and Canada's excellent showing, it's been hard to avoid or ignore. I'm quite jaded about the Olympics, generally, but the postive effects on children is good and the pride this country has shown for these particular games has broken our national focuses on the end of winter blues and the Ottawa shenanigans.
-This final has Team Canada, led by Kevin Martin playing against Team Norway, led by Thomas Ulsrud. I'm rooting for Norway. Since my wonderful trip of a lifetime there a few years ago, I feel my Norwegian heritage much stronger than the German and Scottish roots. I loved Norway and I loved the people. In my family history quest, as I'm researching a bit of Norway and a bit of the early life of Norwegians in Minnesota and North Dakota, I have a connection with my Mom. I believe I have a better understanding of what shaped her family, thus what shaped her, and thus what shaped me. A long spiralling connection that binds me to my heritage and will affect my daughter and any descendants I may have in the future.
-The Kid faced some challenges this week and she has more coming up. There were times of tension between us the past couple weeks, as I tried to keep my tendency to instruct her and nag her and convince her that my way is best in check. I'm the Mom - I'm always right, aren't I? She listened and took some advice, but held her ground where she needed to. The world didn't fall apart. Although I might have done some things differently, she did well getting through this tough, tough week. I'm proud of her. I need to tell her that. It's so easy to adopt the Mom role and treat her as though she is a young child that needs constant guidance. I also have to tell her, in spite of my desire to exert control, I know she is an adult. She is a remarkable young woman.
-This final has Team Canada, led by Kevin Martin playing against Team Norway, led by Thomas Ulsrud. I'm rooting for Norway. Since my wonderful trip of a lifetime there a few years ago, I feel my Norwegian heritage much stronger than the German and Scottish roots. I loved Norway and I loved the people. In my family history quest, as I'm researching a bit of Norway and a bit of the early life of Norwegians in Minnesota and North Dakota, I have a connection with my Mom. I believe I have a better understanding of what shaped her family, thus what shaped her, and thus what shaped me. A long spiralling connection that binds me to my heritage and will affect my daughter and any descendants I may have in the future.
-The Kid faced some challenges this week and she has more coming up. There were times of tension between us the past couple weeks, as I tried to keep my tendency to instruct her and nag her and convince her that my way is best in check. I'm the Mom - I'm always right, aren't I? She listened and took some advice, but held her ground where she needed to. The world didn't fall apart. Although I might have done some things differently, she did well getting through this tough, tough week. I'm proud of her. I need to tell her that. It's so easy to adopt the Mom role and treat her as though she is a young child that needs constant guidance. I also have to tell her, in spite of my desire to exert control, I know she is an adult. She is a remarkable young woman.
Sunday, February 21, 2010
Time, once again
It has been an emotional month - deaths of friends of Brothers 1 and 3, childhood friends of both and men who had some impact in some way on my life; and a tragic accident claimed the life of a work mate. The Kid has had more than one serving of 'life issues' loaded onto her already full plate. A colleague has broken her ankle and requires surgery, three weeks after the break. Sister 2 has some on-going pain after her foot surgery three months ago. I've had some disappointments in my professional life. Medical tests and appointments occupied my mind. A sad and tough time. And time, as they say, keeps marching on.
I struggle with understanding time and often feel I don't have the time to do all I want; you've heard this from me before. The days are getting longer at last: it is not pitch dark at 7:30 AM nor at 6:30 PM. I connected with some old friends this month and I took a risk by going to an ostomy support group. El Nino has made this a mild month. I finished a portion of a major project at work. I've been to Tai Chi and out for suppper with great people. I have almost completed Story #1 of my family history. I've finished scrapbooks and organized photos. I've spoken with six of my seven siblings at least once each week. A successful and joyful time. And time, as they say, keeps marching on.
Three things about time:
-there will never be enough to do everything I want to do. I choose what I want to do any given day and I am accomplishing more than I give myself credit for: professionally, socially, hobby-wise, family time, offering support, receiving support, playing, laughing, crying, singing, growing, living.
-my focus on time is understandable, I think, after my meet-and-greet with cancer. It can be detrimental to me when each day and each week is focused on time. What can I get done? Who can I see? Why can't I do...? "I'm sorry, I don't have time to see you." This running-out-of-time feeling and attitude does keep me aware of myself and my mortality and that is a good thing. This way I pack in as much as I can, including packing in days full of laying on the couch and watching garbage TV. Balance and attitude. Just like in all other areas.
-time is just a way of trying to measure an elusive and indescribable concept. Think of all the songs and poems and movies and novels and expressions that talk about time or lack of or end of. Time just is, and it goes by.
I will take the time I have and make plans, however large or small they may be. And I will squeeze in whatever I can, to do this thing called life. Perhaps I'll 'make time' to post more on my blog on a regular basis.
I struggle with understanding time and often feel I don't have the time to do all I want; you've heard this from me before. The days are getting longer at last: it is not pitch dark at 7:30 AM nor at 6:30 PM. I connected with some old friends this month and I took a risk by going to an ostomy support group. El Nino has made this a mild month. I finished a portion of a major project at work. I've been to Tai Chi and out for suppper with great people. I have almost completed Story #1 of my family history. I've finished scrapbooks and organized photos. I've spoken with six of my seven siblings at least once each week. A successful and joyful time. And time, as they say, keeps marching on.
Three things about time:
-there will never be enough to do everything I want to do. I choose what I want to do any given day and I am accomplishing more than I give myself credit for: professionally, socially, hobby-wise, family time, offering support, receiving support, playing, laughing, crying, singing, growing, living.
-my focus on time is understandable, I think, after my meet-and-greet with cancer. It can be detrimental to me when each day and each week is focused on time. What can I get done? Who can I see? Why can't I do...? "I'm sorry, I don't have time to see you." This running-out-of-time feeling and attitude does keep me aware of myself and my mortality and that is a good thing. This way I pack in as much as I can, including packing in days full of laying on the couch and watching garbage TV. Balance and attitude. Just like in all other areas.
-time is just a way of trying to measure an elusive and indescribable concept. Think of all the songs and poems and movies and novels and expressions that talk about time or lack of or end of. Time just is, and it goes by.
I will take the time I have and make plans, however large or small they may be. And I will squeeze in whatever I can, to do this thing called life. Perhaps I'll 'make time' to post more on my blog on a regular basis.
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
Friends
A childhood friend of Brother 3's died suddenly on Saturday. It is such a shock and I have pain in my heart for my brother's grief. I am so sad for him, for his friend, for his friend's family and other friends. He was a guy who laughed often and laughed loud, and fit the cliche of larger than life. Many people will be sharing stories of his antics. A small town boy from a large and poor family who did well for himself. That is a trite and cliche expression, but a truth. He wasn't a saint, but he was himself at all times and he enjoyed life.
Not many people seem to have childhood friends anymore. The changes in our society have created such a state of impermanence and people are so inclined to just keep moving on and moving on, both physically and metaphorically. While we might reconnect with people through facebook and other social networking sites, so many people let people out of their lives.
My three thoughts this morning about friends:
-old friends know you in a way new friends can't. Shared experiences and time past make old friends more like family. And with good friends, your family knows them too, and they become an extended family to your family.
-new friends offer new experiences and opportunity to let more light and love into your life. Getting to know a new friend allows you to keep growing and testing yourself. There is always room in your life and your heart for more people and more love.
-sometimes friends have to move on. Sometimes you have to move on. Hold your friends, both old and new, in high regard and in your heart.
Cherish the people in your life. Enjoy your time with them. Make friends your family and make your family your friends. Miss them and grieve for them when they are gone, but never forget them. Love them openly and always.
Not many people seem to have childhood friends anymore. The changes in our society have created such a state of impermanence and people are so inclined to just keep moving on and moving on, both physically and metaphorically. While we might reconnect with people through facebook and other social networking sites, so many people let people out of their lives.
My three thoughts this morning about friends:
-old friends know you in a way new friends can't. Shared experiences and time past make old friends more like family. And with good friends, your family knows them too, and they become an extended family to your family.
-new friends offer new experiences and opportunity to let more light and love into your life. Getting to know a new friend allows you to keep growing and testing yourself. There is always room in your life and your heart for more people and more love.
-sometimes friends have to move on. Sometimes you have to move on. Hold your friends, both old and new, in high regard and in your heart.
Cherish the people in your life. Enjoy your time with them. Make friends your family and make your family your friends. Miss them and grieve for them when they are gone, but never forget them. Love them openly and always.
Sunday, January 17, 2010
Good and Bad
I've been reading about the philosphy of Tao. There are a ton of books and a zillion interpretations; kind of like the bible, I guess. The book I'm reading right now is Wayne Dyer's take on this. His interpretation of the second verse has to do with opposites and how nothing can have an opposite without having a label to compare. No short without having a tall, for example.
I am very good at labeling things as 'good' or 'bad'. Ah, there it is already - "I am very good at..." Most of my emotional life has been based on labeling said emotions as good or bad. I judge myself in all areas as good or bad, without ever really saying I'm bad. It might be phrased as "I'm not very good at...", with the self-interpretation then being "I'm bad at...". "I had a good time." "This wasn't a very good week at work." "The weather wasn't very good yesterday." And the quantifying 'very'; so now it's not enough for things to be good, but they suddenly have to be 'very good'.
I don't know where I'm going with this and I don't have three things to say about good or bad. I just think this is very interesting and it's opened my mind a bit this morning about how I think, and how I judge myself and the world in both small and large ways. As humans we need descriptors, but using the desciptors immediately assigns value of some sort. How can I get to the point that things just 'are'? Do I need to? Well, yes and no. Acceptance is somehow important, but acceptance without desire would lead to apathy wouldn't it?
I am very good at labeling things as 'good' or 'bad'. Ah, there it is already - "I am very good at..." Most of my emotional life has been based on labeling said emotions as good or bad. I judge myself in all areas as good or bad, without ever really saying I'm bad. It might be phrased as "I'm not very good at...", with the self-interpretation then being "I'm bad at...". "I had a good time." "This wasn't a very good week at work." "The weather wasn't very good yesterday." And the quantifying 'very'; so now it's not enough for things to be good, but they suddenly have to be 'very good'.
I don't know where I'm going with this and I don't have three things to say about good or bad. I just think this is very interesting and it's opened my mind a bit this morning about how I think, and how I judge myself and the world in both small and large ways. As humans we need descriptors, but using the desciptors immediately assigns value of some sort. How can I get to the point that things just 'are'? Do I need to? Well, yes and no. Acceptance is somehow important, but acceptance without desire would lead to apathy wouldn't it?
Sunday, January 3, 2010
Resolutions
I have made and broke resolutions many, many times and have not made any for the past ten years or so. I resolve to do things, make changes, improve everything, all through out the year. I find that spring and early fall going-back-to-school-time are more new beginnings for me than the calendar new year. January where I live is usually dark and cold, and each year I tolerate winter with less joy and spirit. There seems to be nothing new about it for me.
This year, I am not making resolutions but I hope to continue:
-staying in contact with family - both immediate and extended.
-finding friends and people around me who like to laugh and can find the silly things in life.
-to stay on the path of good health, and working at taking care of myself.
My non-resolutions.
This year, I am not making resolutions but I hope to continue:
-staying in contact with family - both immediate and extended.
-finding friends and people around me who like to laugh and can find the silly things in life.
-to stay on the path of good health, and working at taking care of myself.
My non-resolutions.
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