It is important to have things to look forward to, and I try to build this into every day. That is very tough sometimes, when there is nothing 'special' or 'big' going on; nothing coming up that seems exciting. Today I have no plans for the day, and I need to be careful to not let the post-Christmas letdown take over.
Three things I'm looking forward to:
-a planned trip to Las Vegas with sisters 1 and 3 in February. I've never been there so the anticipation is exciting for me.
-a chance today to make some changes in my house. Ihave pictures to hang, blinds to install, rearranging of furniture to do. Chores for sure, but I am looking forward to having more done in my home, to make it what I want it to be. This is part of my reclamation of self.
-a visit from Brother 4, who wants some help to activate his new phone. He doesn't often come to my home, so I am happy that he will be here for awhile today.
Sunday, December 27, 2009
Sunday, December 20, 2009
Pre-Christmas
Just a short post this morning. I have lots of thoughts and emotions around Christmas, but for today, just three of the things I like about Christmas:
-people helping others to make sure others can have a good Christmas Day. We should instill this charity into our hearts for everyday.
-putting up the tree. I have a mish-mash of decorations, and I love the memories that go with them. The ones made by The Kid and other special children in my life, the ones that used to hang on my Mom's tree, the ones given by to me by friends and family.
-getting Christmas cards and letters. It is one of the few times when I get real mail, and not bills or junk mail. There is an excitment to opening an envelope that contains a message of love, and knowing someone is thinking about you. The world needs more mail.
-people helping others to make sure others can have a good Christmas Day. We should instill this charity into our hearts for everyday.
-putting up the tree. I have a mish-mash of decorations, and I love the memories that go with them. The ones made by The Kid and other special children in my life, the ones that used to hang on my Mom's tree, the ones given by to me by friends and family.
-getting Christmas cards and letters. It is one of the few times when I get real mail, and not bills or junk mail. There is an excitment to opening an envelope that contains a message of love, and knowing someone is thinking about you. The world needs more mail.
Sunday, December 13, 2009
Accomplishments
As I struggle with the extreme cold and too much time in my house without the social contact I crave, I try to focus on what I have accomplished this week. Taking pride in small things helps me keep my sanity.
Three things I'm proud of this week:
-Getting out and driving in the very bitterly cold weather, on ice covered roads. I like to drive only in ideal conditions - a warm sunny day with 100% visisbilty. The anxiety attacks when I can't see well (darkness, rain, snow) and when other drivers are going faster than I like, sometimes cripple me and keep me off the roads. This week, I overcame the anxiety and not only got to where I had to go, but a few times, also got to where I wanted to go. I conquered both the fear of driving and the dread of cold weather. Crazy, I sometimes think, for someone who has spent her life in Alberta to have these fears. Recognizing and admitting is step one??
-Forcing myself to go to Tai Chi on Monday evening. It was SO cold, and most folks just headed home after a day at work and fighting the traffic and the slippery highway. Not only did I go to Tai Chi, I also stopped and did some other chores. This is partly related to #1 above, but also related to keeping myself active and fighting the annual winter fight of getting out of the house and 'doing stuff'. Perhaps I have SAD to some degree. I know I have to watch myself carefully in the winter, and make an extra effort to get out of the house, see people, do things, stay in touch with the world.
-I spent a few hours yesterday writing the story of my maternal grandfather's early family life. I have played with this off and on for a year or two, but had an inspiration early Saturday about how to approach it. I am about half finished this part of the chronicle and am eager to finish it and share it. I often overwhelm myself with all I want to do; thus I don't get things completed. I start something and the finishing seems so daunting. There is so much I want to do and it is so easy for me to not work things to completion, because some other grand idea takes over, and I start something else. Even though this project is not yet complete, I made enough progress that I'm confident I will finish it. This is the benefit of the too-cold-to-go-out days. Writing is much more fun than chores.
Small accomplishments. I need to remind myself that every thing I do is important. This week I accomplished that as well.
Three things I'm proud of this week:
-Getting out and driving in the very bitterly cold weather, on ice covered roads. I like to drive only in ideal conditions - a warm sunny day with 100% visisbilty. The anxiety attacks when I can't see well (darkness, rain, snow) and when other drivers are going faster than I like, sometimes cripple me and keep me off the roads. This week, I overcame the anxiety and not only got to where I had to go, but a few times, also got to where I wanted to go. I conquered both the fear of driving and the dread of cold weather. Crazy, I sometimes think, for someone who has spent her life in Alberta to have these fears. Recognizing and admitting is step one??
-Forcing myself to go to Tai Chi on Monday evening. It was SO cold, and most folks just headed home after a day at work and fighting the traffic and the slippery highway. Not only did I go to Tai Chi, I also stopped and did some other chores. This is partly related to #1 above, but also related to keeping myself active and fighting the annual winter fight of getting out of the house and 'doing stuff'. Perhaps I have SAD to some degree. I know I have to watch myself carefully in the winter, and make an extra effort to get out of the house, see people, do things, stay in touch with the world.
-I spent a few hours yesterday writing the story of my maternal grandfather's early family life. I have played with this off and on for a year or two, but had an inspiration early Saturday about how to approach it. I am about half finished this part of the chronicle and am eager to finish it and share it. I often overwhelm myself with all I want to do; thus I don't get things completed. I start something and the finishing seems so daunting. There is so much I want to do and it is so easy for me to not work things to completion, because some other grand idea takes over, and I start something else. Even though this project is not yet complete, I made enough progress that I'm confident I will finish it. This is the benefit of the too-cold-to-go-out days. Writing is much more fun than chores.
Small accomplishments. I need to remind myself that every thing I do is important. This week I accomplished that as well.
Sunday, December 6, 2009
How to manage this week?
I just spent three days with some of my female family - waiting out a winter storm. I marvel that four women could spend such a length of time together is such small quarters and not have any arguments. We didn't even really drive each other nuts. And now they've gone home. My home feels big and empty, and my heart is empty, too.
The storm has left some in-town raods impassable and it will be days until the crews can get them cleared. Some will likely not be cleared at all. I don't like winter driving at all and underneath the snow is inches of ice from the storm earlier in the week.
A cold front has moved in today as well and we can expect night-time temperatures lower than -30 and daytime highs of only about -20. I am disliking winter more and more each year. It is a struggle to not get depressed with the short hours of daylight, extreme cold, and snow piled everywhere. I will have to force myself to get out in order to go to work.
And right now, even though I had both a very peaceful and fun weekend, I am struggling to feel good about things. I'm lonely with my family gone and dreading the cold weather this week. I think brother 3 is right: his observation is that the worst thing about winter is the anticipation of how bad it will be.
So, what can I do to get through the next few very cold days, with an empty house and empty heart?
-Remember that the cold WILL end. It always does. And once I'm bundled up and moving around outside, I know it's more tolerable than what I think it will be.
-Create something to look forward to every day: out to Tai Chi? Scrapbooking? Napping? Time alone to reflect? Getting Christmas things done? There are many small things I can do that I love.
-Enjoy the time alone, and stay in touch with my friends and family via phone and internet.
I hope this mini-plan works. I really just want to stay home, cocooned, and not face the world for awhile.
The storm has left some in-town raods impassable and it will be days until the crews can get them cleared. Some will likely not be cleared at all. I don't like winter driving at all and underneath the snow is inches of ice from the storm earlier in the week.
A cold front has moved in today as well and we can expect night-time temperatures lower than -30 and daytime highs of only about -20. I am disliking winter more and more each year. It is a struggle to not get depressed with the short hours of daylight, extreme cold, and snow piled everywhere. I will have to force myself to get out in order to go to work.
And right now, even though I had both a very peaceful and fun weekend, I am struggling to feel good about things. I'm lonely with my family gone and dreading the cold weather this week. I think brother 3 is right: his observation is that the worst thing about winter is the anticipation of how bad it will be.
So, what can I do to get through the next few very cold days, with an empty house and empty heart?
-Remember that the cold WILL end. It always does. And once I'm bundled up and moving around outside, I know it's more tolerable than what I think it will be.
-Create something to look forward to every day: out to Tai Chi? Scrapbooking? Napping? Time alone to reflect? Getting Christmas things done? There are many small things I can do that I love.
-Enjoy the time alone, and stay in touch with my friends and family via phone and internet.
I hope this mini-plan works. I really just want to stay home, cocooned, and not face the world for awhile.
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