Why Do I Hafta Fix My Life?

 For a few weeks I've been trying to figure out what's wrong with me. Why I have I taken what feels like a huge step backward in my living of my life? This morning I figured it out. I've been bored lately. Really bored. And in all areas of my life. With the boredom comes grumpiness and dissatisfaction and impatience. I'm struggling with a few things, and letting them clump together in my brain until the things grew into a mountain. Quite a lot of this stuff is not even mine, but stuff that my people are going through. Spin the wheel and somehow others' stuff became mine. I've often wondered if I feel more than other people, if I'm too sensitive, too caring, just a big blob of FEEL.

 All the personality tests tell me feeling is my predominant:  colours, Myers-Briggs, enneagram, and on and on. I try to embrace this and use it wisely. Some days it doesn't happen and the feeling part of me goes from being embraced to being rejected. So what does this have to do with boredom? I have lived much of my life reacting to crises, and when there wasn't a crisis, by God I better create one. I rarely do that any more. The stuff of my people lately is what would have triggered my crisis reaction. I'm not doing that.

I know the answers for myself. I know what makes me feel better, feel centred, feel in control, feel the joy that is there. I want to fix me and I want to fix others stuff. I want to move away from the thoughts of how others stuff is affecting me. Lately the thoughts of others stuff has been selfish, rather than giving. I wanted it to be about me, so I was reacting, looking for crisis, and wanting to be less bored.

Three things that always, always, always bring me back to my self, my peace:

- Gratitude. True gratitude. We all, I think, become complacent with the wonders of our life. It gets easy to not put gratitude up to the top where it belongs. I go about my days and forget to remember how truly blessed I am.

- Feeding my soul. The days where I do not allow myself to find the soul-feeding things are the days when I get miserable, and spread my misery. Misery is not what I want to spread. A key part of why I am here is to help others feed their soul. I slip, and forget to feed mine.

- Anticipation. It is vitally important to have something to look forward to each day. Big. Small. My own anticipation of something. Plodding through days and weeks of just doing life, without building in something to look forward to brings bleakness.

Practice and commitment moves me forward. Some days it is just easier (or so it seems) to neglect these three things. None of them have to be life-changing or "the big things".  In fact,  for me, the small things I'm grateful for, the small things that feed my soul, the small anticipations, are the ones that lead me directly to the big ones. I hate when I forget to truly work on this, practice this. And yes, some days it is work.

Why do I hafta fix my life? I don't. My life is not broken. I am not broken. I don't have to fix me or you or anyone. BUT, if I don't do these three things, it all feels broken. I was sad to hear about an hour ago that Wayne Dyer died last night. He was a teacher I needed at certain times in my life and I'm sure this post is different now that it would have been if I'd sat down to write it when I first planned to, early today. I'm grateful for Wayne Dyer today.  I watched a little baby sleep in a stroller this afternoon. She and her Mom were ahead of me in the checkout at the grocery store. I fed my soul watching her sleep and marvelled that life even IS. I'm having liver for supper; I don't care much for live but eat it sometimes. I'm looking forward to cooking a meal with The Kid, and looking forward to her enjoyment at eating liver (enjoyment I rarely feel eating liver). I have my three things for today. I will continue today and tomorrow and for all my days to do my best practice, and remember.

I don't hafta fix my life. I do need to participate in it.