Peace and Purpose

I had the opportunity last fall to spend two weeks in California. It was the first time I'd ever been, and I loved it. The first week two friends and I spent time exploring and enjoying San Diego. The second week these two ladies and I went to a session at the Chopra Centre in Carlsbad called Seduction of Spirit. A week of meditation, yoga, and a vegetarian diet. Meditation boot camp, as the staff referred to it.I haven't written about it, or even talked about it much. It became so much more for me than I had expected.  It was a deeply personal time for me and is the most spiritual experience I've had in my life (so far).

One of the areas the week at Chopra and my on-going meditation has opened up for me is staying quiet enough to become aware of why I am here. This has been a challenge for me since my meet-and-greet with cancer. I've been given a chance to have a do-over. I am grateful for that and know I am blessed. That gratitude and knowledge has not made my personal search for being and meaning easier. Perhaps it has made it harder. Before my illness, I just struggled. I grew and changed without awareness and kept beating on doors that would not, could not open. Now my own Self and my connection with others and nature and God (universe, force outside our realm, insert your own word here) is heightened and highlighted for me.

Three things about my struggle for purpose:

- Part of my winter of discontent has been trying to make peace with my Self, my core being.I still don't know why I am here - specifically. I am getting glimpses of what matters, where I make a difference. My belief is we are all here to make a difference, somehow, to someone. How do you do that? How do I do that? These past three months I've crawled into a dark winter hole trying to sort it all out for myself. That sounds selfish, I think, but until I can make peace with myself I can not give to others. This is part of me and why I am here, why my life has been what it has, why cancer woke me up rather than taking my life.

- Part of my winter of discontent has been coming to terms with why I am here may not have anything to do with finances and what I need to do to support myself.  This scares me. "Do what you love and the money will follow". This may be true. Does it have to be? Can I not fulfill my purpose, tap into my talents, do what I love, feed my soul, and help others without financial compensation playing into it? Maybe. I get glimpses often now of how this is happening for me. I'm sure the moments and glimpses were always there but I was not awake enough to realize it. This struggle plays into and is part of my on-going lament of "not enough time" to do what I want and to do what I love. Doing what we want and what we love ties closely to purpose, I believe. How do I balance that with financial survival?

- Part of the winter of my discontent has been a decision to be and feel miserable. This is old thinking and old behaviour for me. The choices I've made to deliberately hate this winter and focus on the negative aspects of myself, of the weather, of other people, of my circumstances and others circumstances has brought me back to my self and my connection with others and with God (universe, force outside our realm, insert your own word here).  This doesn't make sense to me logically or emotionally.

I continued to meditate and pray and participate in life during my winter of discontent (that participation was grudgingly from the sidelines). My purpose and I are finding each other. Glimmers of gold come to me at times when I'm not expecting it. They are there when I'm not searching, not trying to answer the question, not forcing what I think it should be. That brings me peace and comfort. My spirit will grow and connect. Peace and purpose comes.

A Moment or Two, Please

Within an hour of waking up on this cold and sunny Sunday, I had that "Sunday feeling". I don't know if this happens to you, but it does to me, and has for many Sundays over many years. It's the feeling of let down that the weekend is over and that my every day routine is soon to overtake me. Part of it comes from being brought up with Sunday being a special day, a family day, a big supper day. Part of it is that I just want to do what I want. It gets tough for me Sundays, to fight this feeling off and make the most of my day. As today went on - with no possibility of me being able to slow down time - I went about my Sunday life. I am still struggling this afternoon with the Sunday feeling but rather than fight it and dread the thought of my work-a-day life that is coming back tomorrow (Tomorrow? SO SOON? Tomorrow is only a few hours away!) I have enjoyed some moments of the day. Well, the moments in between thoughts of being back at work and having a structured have-to-do-this and have-to-do-that week.

Three things I'm enjoying this afternoon:

- It is cold here in my corner of the world. I dislike being cold; maybe that is new information about me for you. But it is sunny; bright almost blinding off the snow sunny. And there is warmth from this sun. Warmth on this Groundhog day. It gives me hope and feeds my soul.

- My chores are done. Groceries are bought, laundry is finished, housework is done. The obligations are out of the way, freeing me to do WHATEVER I WANT. A nap sounds good. Reading sounds good. Creating sounds good.  Freedom to choose without external or self-imposed responsibilities feeds my soul.

- In the background, I hear the sounds of The Kid as she does some art work. She sounds like me: little grumbles; pieces of dissatisfaction with a part of her work; a sudden exclamation as something fits exactly right. I love that she has found this outlet for herself and that she can lose herself and feed her soul.

The choice of how to view life and chores and responsibilities and work is there, always. Too often lately I've chosen to focus on the grumpier, darker, woe-is-me side. I see this. I have relished the miserableness of late. It makes no sense but it's been some passive-aggressive game I've been playing with my self, my soul, God or the universe or the power (insert your own word). If I am miserable and crabby and complain long enough, if I'm enough of a victim, someone or something will fix it all up for me, make it go away. I will feel magically better, it will always be warm, the sun will always shine, I will have no obligations.  Doesn't work. I have to do it. Today I found three small things to make Sunday better. And tomorrow? I'll find the moments, the natural, the people to make Monday better. I gotta keep feeding my soul.