I slept well last night, stayed in bed as long as I wanted, got up refreshed, and looked forward to today. I did a few chores, ate breakfast, had a shower, played on the computer and left the house. I did my 'running around' chores, came home, had lunch. I was relaxed and felt satisfied with my morning. What to do with the afternoon? I mulled through the 'should do this' and 'should do that' and 'want to do this' and 'want to do that'. I couldn't decide. I watched the noon news and spent the afternoon watching TV.
That is not what I wanted to do, nor did it fit into the 'should' category. I just did it. By late afternoon, I was restless and crabby. But why? I spent the afternoon relaxing, doing nothing, which is something I often crave in my busy life. I even snuck a short nap in. As I felt the frustration grow, I needed to take a few minutes to crawl into my brain. What was I doing and what was I thinking that changed my attitude in a few hours? I don't remember what I watched on TV; it was just noise in the background to keep me company and to keep me away from my own thoughts. I needed to hide out. Well, here's the deal - you just can't hide from your thoughts. They are there, all the time. I chose to live in thoughts of speculation and 'what-if' and fear. Those are not the thoughts I chose to have this morning.
Three things about the up and down, around and around of today:
- I live in the shadow of cancer. This shadow most often pushes me forward, into finding my way through whatever is left of my life. I try to grab it with both hands and squeeze every drop out of the time I have. I spent too many wasted years. I've discovered how to find wonderment and joy just being alive. Not this afternoon. This afternoon the shadow pushed me backward, into fear. The shadow wanted to play with me and I let it. There's nothing wrong with that because it led me to where I need to be right now, this minute.
- One of my running around chores this morning was a trip to the doctor. Some of the visit was routine, but the main reason I was there is because I have found a lump in my groin. Going to the doctor made the lump real; I was hoping I was imagining the lump. And I'm scared. This afternoon I tried to hide from my fear; it didn't work. I've spent an hour acknowledging that fear and I'm feeling hopeful and excited again. The lump will be whatever it will be. Something. Nothing. Whatever it is, it's there. I don't know today and I won't know for awhile. I'll deal with the something or the nothing when the time comes.
- The bigger realization for me late today is that I'm living a lie. I've done this before - trying to force myself into something that isn't meant for me. Whether a relationship, a lifestyle, a job - I have forced myself to keep trying and trying and trying to make something 'work', becoming more disconnected from myself. I've learned to not do that, but it still happens. I catch it faster now, though. Cancer reconnected me with myself. I know what I want to do, I know why I am here, I know what my next steps need to be, I know my true self can carry me. It's time.
Hiding from what stalls us in life seems like the easy way out. It is not. It finds ways to destroy us - sickness, addiction, living in fear and isolation, depression, bitterness, death. Each time we hide - and we WILL hide over and over and over to avoid pain - we cut ourselves off from our connection to other people, to love, to joy, to life itself. Poke your head out from under the blankets, even for a minute. The fear will give way to courage. The pain will give way to joy. The emptiness will give way to peace.
Friday, August 31, 2012
Sunday, August 26, 2012
Queen of the World
This morning I loaded my groceries into my car and pushed the grocery cart to the "Buggy Corral", the area of the parking lot set aside for the carts. I took a few steps toward the driver's door and saw, less than ten feet from the Buggy Corral, a lone cart. I was so annoyed and my first thought was "How lazy can a person be? The cart corral is RIGHT THERE!" I went to the cart and herded it into the corral with the others. As I was driving away, I was railing in my mind at the thoughtless of others. Why can't people just do what is right?
I consider myself tolerant of others. Most of us do. Most of us just want to be treated fairly, want others to follow the rules, show consideration. As I drove home, I wondered if I am truly accepting and tolerant. I wondered where my perception of fairness comes from. I wondered who makes the rules. I joke about how much I could change and fix if I was Queen of the World. The Queen of the World could make all kinds of decisions, big and small, and fix things so life would be so much better.
Three things I would do if I were Queen of the World:
- I would make the rules realistic. Big rules like "No one goes to bed hungry" and little rules like "Put the cart away". I wouldn't legislate the rules; all people would understand all the rules. The rules would make sense so they'd be followed. We can't live without rules but we can live with sensible and reasonable rules.
- I would create celebrations of and for silliness. The sillier the better. We need more silliness. Laughter brings us together. There would be an annual contest to honor those who are too serious, with great work to bring them back to the silly side of life. Maybe the first winner would be the lady who drove home from the grocery store mad at the person who left a cart outside the boundaries of the well-defined cart collection area.
- I would reward those who nap. Naps are important. Enough said.
I don't know when the voting for Queen of the World takes place. I don't know how to get my name on the nomination form. Are you going to run? I would encourage it - the world needs more queens (and kings). Crawl into your mind, decide what you would change, and make that change in your own piece of the world. The ripples will be far-reaching.
I consider myself tolerant of others. Most of us do. Most of us just want to be treated fairly, want others to follow the rules, show consideration. As I drove home, I wondered if I am truly accepting and tolerant. I wondered where my perception of fairness comes from. I wondered who makes the rules. I joke about how much I could change and fix if I was Queen of the World. The Queen of the World could make all kinds of decisions, big and small, and fix things so life would be so much better.
Three things I would do if I were Queen of the World:
- I would make the rules realistic. Big rules like "No one goes to bed hungry" and little rules like "Put the cart away". I wouldn't legislate the rules; all people would understand all the rules. The rules would make sense so they'd be followed. We can't live without rules but we can live with sensible and reasonable rules.
- I would create celebrations of and for silliness. The sillier the better. We need more silliness. Laughter brings us together. There would be an annual contest to honor those who are too serious, with great work to bring them back to the silly side of life. Maybe the first winner would be the lady who drove home from the grocery store mad at the person who left a cart outside the boundaries of the well-defined cart collection area.
- I would reward those who nap. Naps are important. Enough said.
I don't know when the voting for Queen of the World takes place. I don't know how to get my name on the nomination form. Are you going to run? I would encourage it - the world needs more queens (and kings). Crawl into your mind, decide what you would change, and make that change in your own piece of the world. The ripples will be far-reaching.
Friday, August 3, 2012
I Remember...
I've had some interesting trips into my memory the past few months. Long-forgotten tidbits of my life have revealed themselves to me. Some have made me smile, some have startled me, some have bewildered me, but all have helped me better understand who I truly am at my core. I have grown: physically, emotionally, mentally, socially, and spiritually but I know that my core being is the same as when I was a wee girl. It is an amazing realization for me that I have always been THIS person.
Three things brought memories to the front of my mind:
- In the spring, I was involved in a team building session that involved doing work with horses. As I headed out to the pasture with my co-workers, I stopped. I couldn't go on and I could not go near those horses. When I was very tiny, before I started school, I was kicked by a horse with the result being some days of hospitalization in an oxygen tent. The memory of this event presented itself this spring as a re-living of that one kick that caught me in the chest and sent me flying backwards. I felt and relived every emotion, and missing pieces of what happened that day became very clear. It's odd; I have been around and ridden horses at various time in my life. I don't know why that on this spring day, forty-nine years later, my past replayed itself. It was strange, but it was powerful and spiritual.
- I took a course focused on writing my autobiography. Each week a theme was presented and the students were to write two pages (only two pages? I have much more to say than that!) for sharing the next week. Major life themes were explored. Questions were asked and assignments given. Much of my life that has lain dormant in my brain woke up and fought its' way to my conciousness. Reviewing my life this way was sometimes painful, sometimes joyous, sometimes hilarious, but mostly it was liberating. I have never before looked back in a way to view my life as a whole, to objectively analyze how I came to be me. How wondrous to have a different view of the same life!
- I stood in a grocery store parking lot in my home town a few weeks ago, across the street at the building where my Dad once worked. I remembered playing next door to that building and in the field across the street - right where I was now standing on pavement. I felt the freedom of that child I was, running and playing along the street. I recalled walking down that street, from "downtown" to our house, and singing "It's a long way to Tipperary", and reaching to pull leaves off the bushes and trees. I could feel the excitement of a game of "Hide and Go Seek" played at dusk on a hot summer evening. I thought about playing in "the ditch", when main street was dug up to replace water mains and the feeling of pride and accomplishment that I could climb out. I could smell the gas from the little black burning pots that were placed as warning for drivers. A feeling of bravery as I climbed into a combine cab in the lot where farm implements were sold rushed through my body. I stood and looked at my Dad's garage for only ten minutes or so; memories and emotions came so quickly. The memories and emotions have remained and not yet faded as they had before.
What does all this mean? It means I am rediscovering myself and focusing on who I am, who I have always been. It's leading me to the path of my self. It's putting me in touch with something greater than me. Call it what you will: God, the Universe, The Great Spirit, Never-ending Energy. It's leading me to what I am meant to do, what I've always been meant to do and didn't recognize, and opening me up. It means that it wasn't all as bad as I thought for these many years. It means that I had joy and fun and great people in my life along with the pain. I chose only to remember and focus on the pain for many wasted years.
I believe that we can recall everything that has happened to us, if the situation is right and our minds and souls are open. It may be scary, it may cause fear, it may cause pain, but it also can bring great joy, excitement, and purpose. Breathe deep, relax, and remember.
Three things brought memories to the front of my mind:
- In the spring, I was involved in a team building session that involved doing work with horses. As I headed out to the pasture with my co-workers, I stopped. I couldn't go on and I could not go near those horses. When I was very tiny, before I started school, I was kicked by a horse with the result being some days of hospitalization in an oxygen tent. The memory of this event presented itself this spring as a re-living of that one kick that caught me in the chest and sent me flying backwards. I felt and relived every emotion, and missing pieces of what happened that day became very clear. It's odd; I have been around and ridden horses at various time in my life. I don't know why that on this spring day, forty-nine years later, my past replayed itself. It was strange, but it was powerful and spiritual.
- I took a course focused on writing my autobiography. Each week a theme was presented and the students were to write two pages (only two pages? I have much more to say than that!) for sharing the next week. Major life themes were explored. Questions were asked and assignments given. Much of my life that has lain dormant in my brain woke up and fought its' way to my conciousness. Reviewing my life this way was sometimes painful, sometimes joyous, sometimes hilarious, but mostly it was liberating. I have never before looked back in a way to view my life as a whole, to objectively analyze how I came to be me. How wondrous to have a different view of the same life!
- I stood in a grocery store parking lot in my home town a few weeks ago, across the street at the building where my Dad once worked. I remembered playing next door to that building and in the field across the street - right where I was now standing on pavement. I felt the freedom of that child I was, running and playing along the street. I recalled walking down that street, from "downtown" to our house, and singing "It's a long way to Tipperary", and reaching to pull leaves off the bushes and trees. I could feel the excitement of a game of "Hide and Go Seek" played at dusk on a hot summer evening. I thought about playing in "the ditch", when main street was dug up to replace water mains and the feeling of pride and accomplishment that I could climb out. I could smell the gas from the little black burning pots that were placed as warning for drivers. A feeling of bravery as I climbed into a combine cab in the lot where farm implements were sold rushed through my body. I stood and looked at my Dad's garage for only ten minutes or so; memories and emotions came so quickly. The memories and emotions have remained and not yet faded as they had before.
What does all this mean? It means I am rediscovering myself and focusing on who I am, who I have always been. It's leading me to the path of my self. It's putting me in touch with something greater than me. Call it what you will: God, the Universe, The Great Spirit, Never-ending Energy. It's leading me to what I am meant to do, what I've always been meant to do and didn't recognize, and opening me up. It means that it wasn't all as bad as I thought for these many years. It means that I had joy and fun and great people in my life along with the pain. I chose only to remember and focus on the pain for many wasted years.
I believe that we can recall everything that has happened to us, if the situation is right and our minds and souls are open. It may be scary, it may cause fear, it may cause pain, but it also can bring great joy, excitement, and purpose. Breathe deep, relax, and remember.
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