Door Number One or Door Number Two?

Sometimes I wonder if I think too much. I wonder if my thought patterns are normal, and if others think the same way. My thoughts are usually well-formed words, sentences, paragraphs, as if I'm writing. I don't think in shapes or images or colour. My mind runs in black and white words that jump from one unseemingly connected subject to the next. Today as I was getting chores done, my mind was thinking/writing about sunshine and its' effect on me; about Remembrance Day, sacrifice, and how choices we make mean something is sacrificed;  how those sacrifices seem small compared to war-time choices;  about my special family and how I often ache to be with them; about loneliness; about my choice to be alone at this time in my life, having left some unfulfilling and damaging relationships in my past;  about the change of seasons; about how this time of year is birthday season (many of my people have winter birthdays) which led to thoughts about how this time of year is also death season (many of my people have died in winter); about what I want and need and how I can get there, which led to wondering what others want and need and how I can help them find it. All of these thoughts were writings in my mind.

So what is today's blog really about? Is it about the thought process? Is it about my thoughts? Is it about any of the emotionally-charged thoughts that raced through my brain as I went about my chores? I don't know, really, what it is about. Perhaps choices is the real topic du jour.

Three things about choice:

- We choose our thoughts whether we are  aware of that or not. We react to our thoughts. Our thoughts create more thoughts, more feelings, more emotions, and more thoughts. Choosing what we think about and what we focus on often seems to happen unbidden. I believe that underneath the random-ness we think is there, is choice, whether conscious or unconscious. (That sentence is a mouthful and grammatically incorrect. I'm choosing to leave it alone). We know we can change our thoughts and reactions.  We KNOW it, but we don't remember that when things get tough.

- Choice does involve sacrifice. Oftentimes the sacrifice is small and is something we don't mind giving up, something we wanted out of our lives anyway. However, whatever is on the other side of sacrifice needs to be recognized, acknowledged, and grieved. There are hard, hard choices and decisions sometimes. There are easy done-in-a-minute choices sometimes. One thing that I do is flip a coin. This is sometimes mentally and sometimes literally. Heads is... Tails is... Before the coin stops spinning, you know how you really want the coin to land. I don't recall who first told me this or when, but it works. It may not make doing the choice any easier; there will still be work involved and the aforementioned grief. But you have your answer. You know where your heart and soul lie for that choice.

- Although so much of life is a choice there is something that directs us. All the logic in the world, all your thoughts weighing the pros and cons, all the input you request from others, is being directed. You may think of this direction as fate, as God, as yourself 'working it out', as yourself following your dreams or of doing the right thing, or as good luck or bad luck. Whatever you choose to believe about direction in your life and your choices, it is there. For me personally, it is something greater than myself, and I fight my logic to allow the direction to lead me. It's tough. The direction is where I need to be, to go; being gently led some days and being pushed with force and pain other days. The direction is there.

My thoughts for today, scribbled down quickly, with no analysis or editing, free-flowing from my brain to the keyboard are here for you. You can choose to let them touch you, or not. Your direction will come at the right time.

I'll Do It Later

The sun came out today, after two weeks of gray, of snow, of fog. My energy level today was higher than it has been for days. I try to feed my soul and work at not reacting to the weather. It's hard, though. I am wired for sunshine; I think most of us are. I polished off most of my weekly chores in a short amount of time as the sun warmed my house and my soul. As I scrubbed and cleaned, chopped vegetables, put Halloween paraphernalia away, organized and straightened up, I knew there was so much more I could be doing and that I wanted to be doing. I thought of all the things I've been procrastinating about. Some of my put-it-off-until-another-day items have been put off for months. I can't blame the weather for those ones!

Three things that are waiting for me:

- My cupboard door hinge broke months ago. At first, I was anxious to get it fixed. I put off 0going to buy a new hinge because I dread going into any store these days. (More about that 'affliction' another time). I also know I need help to fix this door. People have offered, but I don't have the hinge. As time went by, I kind of liked not having a door on that cupboard. It is certainly easier to get things in and out of a cramped corner cabinet with no door. It looks quite awful, though. It can't be organized enough to look attractive.

- I bought a new computer earlier this year. I have programs I want to load and changes I want to make. I haven't done it yet. I haven't felt like it. It's as simple as that. Changing computers is an exercise in patience. It never goes smoothly for me. I don't know enough about them to fix the little glitches that arise. I haven't felt like it because I don't want to deal with my own frustration and face my own lack of knowledge.

- I have a plan in my head for displaying family pictures and family history information. This is a beautiful mural in my mind. I spent time and money finding frames, wall decorations, paper, and various items to attach things to the wall. I really want to get this done! My excuse for not starting (never mind completing) this is I want someone to help. It's much easier to hang things on walls with a second set of eyes to see what is not straight, what is too close together, what is too high or too low. I haven't asked anyone to help. I've put THAT off because I've decided I need to either wash the walls or paint before I can arrange a helper. Preparing the wall sounds like work.

I have many, many more tasks and chores and projects just waiting for me to decide it's the right time. I haven't told you about the dishwasher that doesn't work or the battery that needs replacing or the organizing of my work room or the unwashed car or the purging of too much stuff in my home.  I can't blame any of this on the weather; they've been waiting for many sunny days. I can't blame any of this on not enough time; there is always enough time to do what I truly, truly want. I DO want to get all of these projects done. However, they involve work of some sort. I am trying to feed my soul and enjoy my minutes and days. Who wants obligations to interfere with life and sunshine and joy and laughter and happiness and peace and soul-feeding and time spent with people? Not I; I have enough of that with my work-for-money life and my daily-living-chores. Some day the things I've been putting off may become important enough to just do them. In the meantime, come to visit and we'll find something great to do, whether the sun is shining or not.