Perspective

I've been fighting with some of my emotions this past week. I 'know' to not do that; feel and acknowledge the emotions, talk it out with someone if necessary, and move on. I strive to do that but am not always as successful as I want. Human, after all.

Three things that helped my change my perspective this week:

-My birthday is today. In my family, birthdays have always been special, and celebrated with others and with cake. This year, all of my family is busy and I was feeling low, thinking I would have a non-birthday. I had ideas of what I could do to fill the day and thought of ways to have fun for myself or give of myself, but it wasn't quite the same. I began to feel sorry for myself, and more and more sad that my usual idea of a birthday just wasn't going to happen. I knew I would get many cards and emails and facebook wishes, but it wasn't the same as having plans. I talked to Sister Three about it, hesitantly, as I was feeling like a spoiled kid and very selfish. She validated my feelings. "Of course you feel bad. Birthdays have always been special for our family". Just knowing that someone else understood made me feel less alone. The Kid changed her work schedule to come and have supper with me last night, I spent time opening cards from family this morning, reading emails and facebook messages, and I have going-out-for-birthday-supper plans with a friend. I re-learned it's okay to just feel what I feel, and needed someone to tell me that. Perspective changed.

-I finished a major project at work and have not yet taken on another. Work has been rather boring, although I know two big projects will start in the new year, and I will be again too busy. I was feeling at loose ends, and again wondering why I continue on at this job. There will be staff changes in my area again this coming year and that is always a hard time to get through - more hiring, more training, more stress. I want to do something that matters; pushing paper around for a chemical company doesn't add much to the greater good. I keep a file of emails where I've received thanks or compliments from people I work with; I re-read those and started to feel a bit better. A current colleague came to tell me she is not applying for another job within the company - that she does not want to work in any other department or with any other team. I realized I'm making a difference with my colleagues, with my team. I went outside, stood beside a huge pine tree, covered in hoar frost, and felt the energy and peace of being close to nature. I have stood beside that tree many, many times, but have never allowed the energy of the trees around me to reach me. Perspective changed.

-The fear of cancer returning never goes away. I live with it, accept it, and sometimes even forget about it. A colleague was diagnosed with breast cancer this week. My own fears and memories overtook me, leading me down a dark path. This colleague decorated her office with Christmas lights and garlands, went shopping for our Adopt-a-Family children, vowed to work for as long as she can, and had the rest of us playing games and laughing. Perspective changed.

It's always been easy for me to fall into patterns that are not healthy or helpful and it has been very hard to change my thoughts, emotions, reactions. After fighting with emotions and thoughts in the three instances mentioned, I was very lucky this week to tune into something greater than myself and have my perspective changed almost instantly, in three circumstances where I could have let the negativity snowball and become daunting. It was a great week.