I haven't written as regularly this year. I'm not entirely sure why. Part of it it "Where am I going with this?" and part of it is letting other things eat into my time. The words are almost always there, in my head, spinning about and crashing into each other. I've been living more analytically in many respects but yet living from a more spiritual and feelings based perspective. Another paradox. I struggle with balance. Yin and yang, up and down, work and play, forth and back.
Three things about opposing forces:
- They will always always always be there. Tao literature tells me that we need both. How would we know short if we didn't see tall? How would we know happy if we didn't feel sad? I understand that on a logical and an emotional level. I'm not so sure I understand that on a spiritual level. Do I need to? Right now, yes. As I continue this walk of self-exploration to make sense of my life, I have a need to find spiritual meaning. I know I can't make sense of everything but I know in my soul that when I find that place that is trusting and at peace, I soar. Sometimes momentarily, sometimes for long periods.
- Growth happens when opposing ideas and forces battle. I believe this is true for individuals, for relationships, for our Selves. The strides I take as the brain-battles go on and on move me toward a place of resolution and more soulfulness, more wholeness. And a new battle starts. I disagree with The Kid or a friend or a sibling; words are said and feelings laid out bare and open. Reconciliation happens and we understand each other better. I can't say we love each other MORE but perhaps love more deeply.
- Nothing is black and white. Each picture has shades of gray, glimpses of colour, hidden shadows. Every situation, each relationship, all things natural, have nuances that makes life full and complicated and beautiful. (I think it's kind of hilarious that I chose black and white to illustrate that nothing is static, solid, the way things are. My subconscious choice of using the terms black and white further illustrates the need to compare to understand). Often I just want black or white.
What then of my analytical versus spiritual and how that piece of my internal opposing forces fits with my writing? I don't know. I do know I am learning to embrace my analytical and my spiritual, my emotional and my logical. I know I am compelled to write and do so. If cleaning house or laughing with my people or any one of the five zillion other things I could do takes precedence over my writing time, then it is not time to write. Where am I going with this? "This" being my writing in general, whether this blog, my off-line writing, or my family history. I don't know that either. I know I will write some days. I know I will not write some days. I know that the balance I so desperately want is here, within me, in both my soul and in my brain. And as opposite as soul and brain appear, they are too intertwined to separate. That is what I needed to learn today, that is what I needed to say today.
Sunday, August 24, 2014
Sunday, August 10, 2014
Space, the Final Frontier
The Kid and I moved things from one storage facility to another last week. The new one is just a tad bigger (we think) and a whole lot cheaper. It is a continuing struggle for us to get our home in order. It seems kind of crazy; she has been home from her Half Way Around The World move for over a year, and yet we can't quite get our home how we want. We don't have enough space, really, for two grown women with different tastes. We are managing though, but neither of us is completely satisfied. There are things about our space that drive me nuts and things that drive her nuts. They are not the same thing. We work at making compromises and trying to give each other space. Some days we are more successful than others.
Three things about the space we try to share:
- The physical space is for me the most trying. We each have special treasures we want out for all the world to see. All the world is much smaller for both of us right now, as we seldom have people to our home. We are waiting for that magic day when we feel the space is presentable enough. It almost is. We don't look as much like hoarders now. Our look in now more the-ladies-who-don't-put-stuff-away. We do. We do put stuff away. All that is left out has no place to go. We try to sort and organize and give away. Our values may match but our decorating styles and our need for items that bring us comfort do not.
- We work at giving each other enough space in the "Give me some space" way. We are often physically crowded in this 900 square foot condo. That makes it easy to encroach on each others' lives. I love and hate this part. It has made us very close. It has made us friends. It has created a firm and unbreakable bond.. What I hate is we each expect a sharing of lives and lifestyles and advice-giving and needing to know the details that the other can not, will not, should not share. Neither of us is very good at recognizing the boundaries during times of stress.
- Our changing moods, as two women who live together, creates some difficult moments and difficult days. We are usually open and sensitive about the others "head space". The times and days we each think our own needs, feelings, mood is more important are our really rough days. Really, both are equally important. I some home crabby and tired and stressed and in a bad head space. She comes home happy, at peace, bubbling, energetic and in a good head space. I only want to vent and want empathy. She only wants to share her joy and excitement. This good-mood/bad-mood changes often. The days when we both are crabby and want venting and empathy - oh, those can be scary days. We work it through.
We are continually learning from each other, The Kid and I. We don't often recognize it as such. As it is with life and other relationships, the learning, the message, the growth is shown to us in retrospect. Space - physical, mental, emotional, spiritual - is what binds each of us to another, to our life spirit, to peace, to joy. Space is truly the final frontier.
Three things about the space we try to share:
- The physical space is for me the most trying. We each have special treasures we want out for all the world to see. All the world is much smaller for both of us right now, as we seldom have people to our home. We are waiting for that magic day when we feel the space is presentable enough. It almost is. We don't look as much like hoarders now. Our look in now more the-ladies-who-don't-put-stuff-away. We do. We do put stuff away. All that is left out has no place to go. We try to sort and organize and give away. Our values may match but our decorating styles and our need for items that bring us comfort do not.
- We work at giving each other enough space in the "Give me some space" way. We are often physically crowded in this 900 square foot condo. That makes it easy to encroach on each others' lives. I love and hate this part. It has made us very close. It has made us friends. It has created a firm and unbreakable bond.. What I hate is we each expect a sharing of lives and lifestyles and advice-giving and needing to know the details that the other can not, will not, should not share. Neither of us is very good at recognizing the boundaries during times of stress.
- Our changing moods, as two women who live together, creates some difficult moments and difficult days. We are usually open and sensitive about the others "head space". The times and days we each think our own needs, feelings, mood is more important are our really rough days. Really, both are equally important. I some home crabby and tired and stressed and in a bad head space. She comes home happy, at peace, bubbling, energetic and in a good head space. I only want to vent and want empathy. She only wants to share her joy and excitement. This good-mood/bad-mood changes often. The days when we both are crabby and want venting and empathy - oh, those can be scary days. We work it through.
We are continually learning from each other, The Kid and I. We don't often recognize it as such. As it is with life and other relationships, the learning, the message, the growth is shown to us in retrospect. Space - physical, mental, emotional, spiritual - is what binds each of us to another, to our life spirit, to peace, to joy. Space is truly the final frontier.
Friday, August 1, 2014
Soul Food. Soul Music. Merry Old Soul.
Laughter. Nature. Music. Play. Helping Others. These are just a few ways I feed my soul. I believe they are universal soul-feeders.
Three things about feeding my soul:
- I first had to decide, admit, believe I had a soul. To do that I had to believe there is something greater than myself. I spent much of my life fighting this. It seemed far easier to not believe. By not believing, I didn't have to take responsibility for any of the crappy things in my life. I could blame others, blame situations, live life unhappy and miserable while knowing that that is how life is: unfair. Some people were lucky and I wasn't. Mostly though, I spent energy and wasted time blaming myself. If only I was smarter, richer, prettier, funnier, healthier; if only I was someone and something else, the luck would come my way and I could have it all. Work harder. Try harder. Give up. Wish. Dream. Work. Try. Resent. Try. Give up. Very rarely did I act. Never did I rely on faith - faith in myself, in someone else, in God.
- Once I quit trying to define soul I found it. There is it was: guiding me, creating me, finding me, becoming me. Soul is undefinable. Soul is your own definition. Soul is intangible. Soul is universal. My pursuit of my own soul and how to nurture it, water it, feed it, allow it to be unfolded gradually. Most of the time I wasn't even aware it was being revealed. Only in looking back do I see how it came to be and grew. Only in looking back have I realized it was always there.
- Once I admitted I had a soul and once I quit trying to define, all these wondrous paths opened up that feed my soul, create my peace, bring me purpose. I have to pay attention to my soul, and remember to do those things, find those people, take the time to be still, make those opportunities to feed my soul. When I feed my soul, I am at peace, I am complete, I am in joy.
I wish I could be in a state of continual soul-feeding. I don't believe we are built that way. I believe we have to struggle in order to release. With each struggle, each release, the spark grows stronger. I can more easily feed my soul and I find more and more ways to feed my soul. Why did it take me so long? No matter. I am here now and I know some tools, some ways, some "tricks" to feed my soul. They are there for all of us to use whenever we can, whenever we need. Reach out. It will come.
Three things about feeding my soul:
- I first had to decide, admit, believe I had a soul. To do that I had to believe there is something greater than myself. I spent much of my life fighting this. It seemed far easier to not believe. By not believing, I didn't have to take responsibility for any of the crappy things in my life. I could blame others, blame situations, live life unhappy and miserable while knowing that that is how life is: unfair. Some people were lucky and I wasn't. Mostly though, I spent energy and wasted time blaming myself. If only I was smarter, richer, prettier, funnier, healthier; if only I was someone and something else, the luck would come my way and I could have it all. Work harder. Try harder. Give up. Wish. Dream. Work. Try. Resent. Try. Give up. Very rarely did I act. Never did I rely on faith - faith in myself, in someone else, in God.
- Once I quit trying to define soul I found it. There is it was: guiding me, creating me, finding me, becoming me. Soul is undefinable. Soul is your own definition. Soul is intangible. Soul is universal. My pursuit of my own soul and how to nurture it, water it, feed it, allow it to be unfolded gradually. Most of the time I wasn't even aware it was being revealed. Only in looking back do I see how it came to be and grew. Only in looking back have I realized it was always there.
- Once I admitted I had a soul and once I quit trying to define, all these wondrous paths opened up that feed my soul, create my peace, bring me purpose. I have to pay attention to my soul, and remember to do those things, find those people, take the time to be still, make those opportunities to feed my soul. When I feed my soul, I am at peace, I am complete, I am in joy.
I wish I could be in a state of continual soul-feeding. I don't believe we are built that way. I believe we have to struggle in order to release. With each struggle, each release, the spark grows stronger. I can more easily feed my soul and I find more and more ways to feed my soul. Why did it take me so long? No matter. I am here now and I know some tools, some ways, some "tricks" to feed my soul. They are there for all of us to use whenever we can, whenever we need. Reach out. It will come.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)