It is important to have things to look forward to, and I try to build this into every day. That is very tough sometimes, when there is nothing 'special' or 'big' going on; nothing coming up that seems exciting. Today I have no plans for the day, and I need to be careful to not let the post-Christmas letdown take over.
Three things I'm looking forward to:
-a planned trip to Las Vegas with sisters 1 and 3 in February. I've never been there so the anticipation is exciting for me.
-a chance today to make some changes in my house. Ihave pictures to hang, blinds to install, rearranging of furniture to do. Chores for sure, but I am looking forward to having more done in my home, to make it what I want it to be. This is part of my reclamation of self.
-a visit from Brother 4, who wants some help to activate his new phone. He doesn't often come to my home, so I am happy that he will be here for awhile today.
Sunday, December 27, 2009
Sunday, December 20, 2009
Pre-Christmas
Just a short post this morning. I have lots of thoughts and emotions around Christmas, but for today, just three of the things I like about Christmas:
-people helping others to make sure others can have a good Christmas Day. We should instill this charity into our hearts for everyday.
-putting up the tree. I have a mish-mash of decorations, and I love the memories that go with them. The ones made by The Kid and other special children in my life, the ones that used to hang on my Mom's tree, the ones given by to me by friends and family.
-getting Christmas cards and letters. It is one of the few times when I get real mail, and not bills or junk mail. There is an excitment to opening an envelope that contains a message of love, and knowing someone is thinking about you. The world needs more mail.
-people helping others to make sure others can have a good Christmas Day. We should instill this charity into our hearts for everyday.
-putting up the tree. I have a mish-mash of decorations, and I love the memories that go with them. The ones made by The Kid and other special children in my life, the ones that used to hang on my Mom's tree, the ones given by to me by friends and family.
-getting Christmas cards and letters. It is one of the few times when I get real mail, and not bills or junk mail. There is an excitment to opening an envelope that contains a message of love, and knowing someone is thinking about you. The world needs more mail.
Sunday, December 13, 2009
Accomplishments
As I struggle with the extreme cold and too much time in my house without the social contact I crave, I try to focus on what I have accomplished this week. Taking pride in small things helps me keep my sanity.
Three things I'm proud of this week:
-Getting out and driving in the very bitterly cold weather, on ice covered roads. I like to drive only in ideal conditions - a warm sunny day with 100% visisbilty. The anxiety attacks when I can't see well (darkness, rain, snow) and when other drivers are going faster than I like, sometimes cripple me and keep me off the roads. This week, I overcame the anxiety and not only got to where I had to go, but a few times, also got to where I wanted to go. I conquered both the fear of driving and the dread of cold weather. Crazy, I sometimes think, for someone who has spent her life in Alberta to have these fears. Recognizing and admitting is step one??
-Forcing myself to go to Tai Chi on Monday evening. It was SO cold, and most folks just headed home after a day at work and fighting the traffic and the slippery highway. Not only did I go to Tai Chi, I also stopped and did some other chores. This is partly related to #1 above, but also related to keeping myself active and fighting the annual winter fight of getting out of the house and 'doing stuff'. Perhaps I have SAD to some degree. I know I have to watch myself carefully in the winter, and make an extra effort to get out of the house, see people, do things, stay in touch with the world.
-I spent a few hours yesterday writing the story of my maternal grandfather's early family life. I have played with this off and on for a year or two, but had an inspiration early Saturday about how to approach it. I am about half finished this part of the chronicle and am eager to finish it and share it. I often overwhelm myself with all I want to do; thus I don't get things completed. I start something and the finishing seems so daunting. There is so much I want to do and it is so easy for me to not work things to completion, because some other grand idea takes over, and I start something else. Even though this project is not yet complete, I made enough progress that I'm confident I will finish it. This is the benefit of the too-cold-to-go-out days. Writing is much more fun than chores.
Small accomplishments. I need to remind myself that every thing I do is important. This week I accomplished that as well.
Three things I'm proud of this week:
-Getting out and driving in the very bitterly cold weather, on ice covered roads. I like to drive only in ideal conditions - a warm sunny day with 100% visisbilty. The anxiety attacks when I can't see well (darkness, rain, snow) and when other drivers are going faster than I like, sometimes cripple me and keep me off the roads. This week, I overcame the anxiety and not only got to where I had to go, but a few times, also got to where I wanted to go. I conquered both the fear of driving and the dread of cold weather. Crazy, I sometimes think, for someone who has spent her life in Alberta to have these fears. Recognizing and admitting is step one??
-Forcing myself to go to Tai Chi on Monday evening. It was SO cold, and most folks just headed home after a day at work and fighting the traffic and the slippery highway. Not only did I go to Tai Chi, I also stopped and did some other chores. This is partly related to #1 above, but also related to keeping myself active and fighting the annual winter fight of getting out of the house and 'doing stuff'. Perhaps I have SAD to some degree. I know I have to watch myself carefully in the winter, and make an extra effort to get out of the house, see people, do things, stay in touch with the world.
-I spent a few hours yesterday writing the story of my maternal grandfather's early family life. I have played with this off and on for a year or two, but had an inspiration early Saturday about how to approach it. I am about half finished this part of the chronicle and am eager to finish it and share it. I often overwhelm myself with all I want to do; thus I don't get things completed. I start something and the finishing seems so daunting. There is so much I want to do and it is so easy for me to not work things to completion, because some other grand idea takes over, and I start something else. Even though this project is not yet complete, I made enough progress that I'm confident I will finish it. This is the benefit of the too-cold-to-go-out days. Writing is much more fun than chores.
Small accomplishments. I need to remind myself that every thing I do is important. This week I accomplished that as well.
Sunday, December 6, 2009
How to manage this week?
I just spent three days with some of my female family - waiting out a winter storm. I marvel that four women could spend such a length of time together is such small quarters and not have any arguments. We didn't even really drive each other nuts. And now they've gone home. My home feels big and empty, and my heart is empty, too.
The storm has left some in-town raods impassable and it will be days until the crews can get them cleared. Some will likely not be cleared at all. I don't like winter driving at all and underneath the snow is inches of ice from the storm earlier in the week.
A cold front has moved in today as well and we can expect night-time temperatures lower than -30 and daytime highs of only about -20. I am disliking winter more and more each year. It is a struggle to not get depressed with the short hours of daylight, extreme cold, and snow piled everywhere. I will have to force myself to get out in order to go to work.
And right now, even though I had both a very peaceful and fun weekend, I am struggling to feel good about things. I'm lonely with my family gone and dreading the cold weather this week. I think brother 3 is right: his observation is that the worst thing about winter is the anticipation of how bad it will be.
So, what can I do to get through the next few very cold days, with an empty house and empty heart?
-Remember that the cold WILL end. It always does. And once I'm bundled up and moving around outside, I know it's more tolerable than what I think it will be.
-Create something to look forward to every day: out to Tai Chi? Scrapbooking? Napping? Time alone to reflect? Getting Christmas things done? There are many small things I can do that I love.
-Enjoy the time alone, and stay in touch with my friends and family via phone and internet.
I hope this mini-plan works. I really just want to stay home, cocooned, and not face the world for awhile.
The storm has left some in-town raods impassable and it will be days until the crews can get them cleared. Some will likely not be cleared at all. I don't like winter driving at all and underneath the snow is inches of ice from the storm earlier in the week.
A cold front has moved in today as well and we can expect night-time temperatures lower than -30 and daytime highs of only about -20. I am disliking winter more and more each year. It is a struggle to not get depressed with the short hours of daylight, extreme cold, and snow piled everywhere. I will have to force myself to get out in order to go to work.
And right now, even though I had both a very peaceful and fun weekend, I am struggling to feel good about things. I'm lonely with my family gone and dreading the cold weather this week. I think brother 3 is right: his observation is that the worst thing about winter is the anticipation of how bad it will be.
So, what can I do to get through the next few very cold days, with an empty house and empty heart?
-Remember that the cold WILL end. It always does. And once I'm bundled up and moving around outside, I know it's more tolerable than what I think it will be.
-Create something to look forward to every day: out to Tai Chi? Scrapbooking? Napping? Time alone to reflect? Getting Christmas things done? There are many small things I can do that I love.
-Enjoy the time alone, and stay in touch with my friends and family via phone and internet.
I hope this mini-plan works. I really just want to stay home, cocooned, and not face the world for awhile.
Monday, November 30, 2009
Glad to be home
A blast of winter hit today. It stayed warm, but the snow started to fall, and as the temperature started to drop, the roads became so very icy. Many callers to a local radio station said they hadn't seen roads like this EVER. I'm so happy to home, warm, safe and sound. I won't be venturing out to Tai Chi tonight, and am already somewhat anxious about the drive to my fellow car-pooler's house tomorrow morning.
Three things the ride/drive home today:
-My car-pooler is a confident and careful driver, and drove for the road conditions.
-Roads in town were horrible; it froze too fast for the sanders to keep up, but Michener Hill HAD been sanded, so people were about to inch their way down without sliding.
-I'm proud of myself for getting through the city without panicking. Other drivers were going slow, and because of that, my own anxiety stayed minimal for these road condiditons.
...Oh, Alberta winters...
Three things the ride/drive home today:
-My car-pooler is a confident and careful driver, and drove for the road conditions.
-Roads in town were horrible; it froze too fast for the sanders to keep up, but Michener Hill HAD been sanded, so people were about to inch their way down without sliding.
-I'm proud of myself for getting through the city without panicking. Other drivers were going slow, and because of that, my own anxiety stayed minimal for these road condiditons.
...Oh, Alberta winters...
Sunday, November 29, 2009
Tai Chi
Three things I love about Tai Chi:
-Turning off my brain. I so often have too many thoughts, emotions, ideas running through my gray matter that I don't relax and just be. The moves for Tai Chi don't allow other thoughts in. The days when I don't focus on the moves I don't do as well and become increasingly frustrated. There is a meditative quality to this. My brain has to not only pay attention to what I am doing, but also to my body. A calmness sets in. On the days when I try to force it, or let other thoughts in, or think about the next move, are the days when I leave Tai Chi rather frustrated and angry with myself that I'm not 'better at it'. Letting the thoughts go and focusing on what I am doing each second brings peace and relaxation.
-Meeting with like-minded people. While this is true of other pusuits, I find with Tai Chi that there is not really room for too much extra stuff. See point one above. It sounds like an oxymoron, but although there is each individual's focus, there is still a warm and welcoming social aspect. And the Tai Chi-ers smile and laugh a lot.
-Being able to take the physical moves to whatever level I am needing that day. Slow, relaxing moves or the same moves that require more effort and exertion. And all of it benefitting my health - physcial, mental, emotional.
-Turning off my brain. I so often have too many thoughts, emotions, ideas running through my gray matter that I don't relax and just be. The moves for Tai Chi don't allow other thoughts in. The days when I don't focus on the moves I don't do as well and become increasingly frustrated. There is a meditative quality to this. My brain has to not only pay attention to what I am doing, but also to my body. A calmness sets in. On the days when I try to force it, or let other thoughts in, or think about the next move, are the days when I leave Tai Chi rather frustrated and angry with myself that I'm not 'better at it'. Letting the thoughts go and focusing on what I am doing each second brings peace and relaxation.
-Meeting with like-minded people. While this is true of other pusuits, I find with Tai Chi that there is not really room for too much extra stuff. See point one above. It sounds like an oxymoron, but although there is each individual's focus, there is still a warm and welcoming social aspect. And the Tai Chi-ers smile and laugh a lot.
-Being able to take the physical moves to whatever level I am needing that day. Slow, relaxing moves or the same moves that require more effort and exertion. And all of it benefitting my health - physcial, mental, emotional.
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
Remembrance Day
Three thoughts about today:
-As a child in small town Alberta, and only 20 years after World War II, November 11 was a big deal. Every family in town had been touched by World War II. I could feel the effects in town. One year in particular I remember a colouring contest for all the children. The page to colour was poppies and crosses. I don't remember who won - I know it wasn't me - but I clearly remember hundreds of colored posters in the store windows, being in awe, and thinking each poppy stood for someone who died. For my own daughter, growing up forty years after The War, the day was a day taught in history and social studies classes. Some of her great uncles and her paternal grandfather had served, but there was/is no direct effect on her life. And now, 60 years later, the meaning of the day gets more lost. Just one more day off work and all the stores open, with some not even closing in the morning.
-I had uncles on both sides of the family who served. My Dad was not able to, due to medical reasons. I have heard both that it was due to flat feet and to his heart murmur. It doesn't matter the reason because not fighting for his country affected his life ever after, and to a degree, all eight of his children. His mother was of German heritage and came to Canada in the early 1900's. Brother One pointed out a few years ago that both WWI and WWII would have been especially hard on her. I'm sure there would have been prejudice and ignorance from people around her. Three of her fours sons served in WWII, in three branches of the Armed Forces. How did she cope with three sons away, fighting, not knowing if they would return, and knowing they were fighting her own country, perhaps bombing and shooting her own brothers, cousins, sisters, friends?
-Today we are still sending young men to be killed. I struggle with remembering the idea that this is for the better good. Is it? Do we only justify it that way to be able to sleep at night? But we also can not stand by and let 'the biggest bullies in the schoolyard' continue to hurt, maim, and kill thousands of innocent people. I struggle with my thoughts and feelings about war, but am comfortable in my own home, do not have to make decisions, and put it out of my mind for days and weeks at a time. I only know war as a concept.
Lest we forget.
-As a child in small town Alberta, and only 20 years after World War II, November 11 was a big deal. Every family in town had been touched by World War II. I could feel the effects in town. One year in particular I remember a colouring contest for all the children. The page to colour was poppies and crosses. I don't remember who won - I know it wasn't me - but I clearly remember hundreds of colored posters in the store windows, being in awe, and thinking each poppy stood for someone who died. For my own daughter, growing up forty years after The War, the day was a day taught in history and social studies classes. Some of her great uncles and her paternal grandfather had served, but there was/is no direct effect on her life. And now, 60 years later, the meaning of the day gets more lost. Just one more day off work and all the stores open, with some not even closing in the morning.
-I had uncles on both sides of the family who served. My Dad was not able to, due to medical reasons. I have heard both that it was due to flat feet and to his heart murmur. It doesn't matter the reason because not fighting for his country affected his life ever after, and to a degree, all eight of his children. His mother was of German heritage and came to Canada in the early 1900's. Brother One pointed out a few years ago that both WWI and WWII would have been especially hard on her. I'm sure there would have been prejudice and ignorance from people around her. Three of her fours sons served in WWII, in three branches of the Armed Forces. How did she cope with three sons away, fighting, not knowing if they would return, and knowing they were fighting her own country, perhaps bombing and shooting her own brothers, cousins, sisters, friends?
-Today we are still sending young men to be killed. I struggle with remembering the idea that this is for the better good. Is it? Do we only justify it that way to be able to sleep at night? But we also can not stand by and let 'the biggest bullies in the schoolyard' continue to hurt, maim, and kill thousands of innocent people. I struggle with my thoughts and feelings about war, but am comfortable in my own home, do not have to make decisions, and put it out of my mind for days and weeks at a time. I only know war as a concept.
Lest we forget.
Sunday, November 8, 2009
My Siblings
I have seven siblings. My oldest nephew and niece are close to me in age; in fact closer to me in age than four of my sibs, so they are like my siblings too, in many ways.
Three things about us:
-Thre is very little sibling rivalry, and less as we grow older. There were some tremendous fights and jealousy as children and young adults, but now we are mostly just loving and accepting of each other.
-We accept each other's idiosyncrasies, and can laugh about them, and at our own. There are some unspoken sensitive areas and we know and understand that to cross those lines would be hurtful. For the most part though, we can laugh together about ourselves, and poke fun.
-We stay in touch. I can't imagine families that go for months and years without speaking. We gather together when we can, in groups of two or three or six or (very rarely due to distances that literally spread from coast to coast) eight or ten. I am fortunate that I have also had many opportunities to spend time with each of these wonderful people individually. No matter the size of the gathering, there has never been an instance where the rest were not welcome, if they wanted or circumstances allowed.
My family. How I love them!
Three things about us:
-Thre is very little sibling rivalry, and less as we grow older. There were some tremendous fights and jealousy as children and young adults, but now we are mostly just loving and accepting of each other.
-We accept each other's idiosyncrasies, and can laugh about them, and at our own. There are some unspoken sensitive areas and we know and understand that to cross those lines would be hurtful. For the most part though, we can laugh together about ourselves, and poke fun.
-We stay in touch. I can't imagine families that go for months and years without speaking. We gather together when we can, in groups of two or three or six or (very rarely due to distances that literally spread from coast to coast) eight or ten. I am fortunate that I have also had many opportunities to spend time with each of these wonderful people individually. No matter the size of the gathering, there has never been an instance where the rest were not welcome, if they wanted or circumstances allowed.
My family. How I love them!
Saturday, November 7, 2009
Lazy Saturday Morning
What 'three thing' today? Sometimes it's a push for me to write about 'three things'. Some of my scribing has been long and I've put myself into a bit of a box by imposing rules within myself. My three things theme intent was to get back to the days when I sometimes had to really think of three good things in a day. At that time, I was so focused on the struggles in my life and within my own self, that it was often very hard for me to see anything good. I know there are always at least three things to be grateful for each day.
I have two days this weekend without any concrete plans, so the whole weekend is is open for me to do whatever I want, but I don't know what I want to do, how to fill my time.
Three things I'm enjoying about this lazy Saturday morning, with hours of time to fil for the rest of the weekend:
- a long time spent with a cup of tea and reading the newspapers that piled up over the past few days, when I had much less free time.
-a phone visit with a friend that I don't see as often as I like.
-the opportunity to make plans (or not) for doing exactly what I want to do, all weekend.
I have two days this weekend without any concrete plans, so the whole weekend is is open for me to do whatever I want, but I don't know what I want to do, how to fill my time.
Three things I'm enjoying about this lazy Saturday morning, with hours of time to fil for the rest of the weekend:
- a long time spent with a cup of tea and reading the newspapers that piled up over the past few days, when I had much less free time.
-a phone visit with a friend that I don't see as often as I like.
-the opportunity to make plans (or not) for doing exactly what I want to do, all weekend.
Sunday, November 1, 2009
Halloween stuff
I am still struggling with the evil monster, Time, to get everything done I want to do. I've had some busy weeks and I am working hard at eliminating the 'shoulds' from my life, but many of my shoulds are also "I want to's". (That apostrophe is not quite right, but 'tos' doesn't look right either). Between Time and Shoulds, I didn't create a Halloweeen costume for myself that I was happy with. In spite of that, I still enjoyed dressing up and becoming the Widow Jones for the day (and evening).
Three reasons I love Halloween:
- a chance to put on some clothes from a second hand store and become another character for a day. I rant every year about people who spend a zillion dollars on store bought costumes, because for me 'dressing up' is just that - dressing up and actually becoming someone else, not renting a monkey suit. I ranted a little less this year, because I chose to see the store-bought characters as at least having the fortitude to put on another face and go out in public for some fun.
-seeing kids excited about their costumes. There is magic in watching them and magic is seeing them transform into another character for a few hours. The candy is the wage earned for living the magic and the long and cold walks door-to-door.
-memories of my Mom and her ability to create wonderful costumes out of nothing. She would do this for us for Halloween and the annual small town parade in the town where we grew up. More importantly, she would do this for herself for Masquerade Balls and the occasional Halloween. With eight kids, no money, and far less time than I have, she would take this little slice of time for herself. She was thrifty, funny, creative, and taught me the importance of using these opportunities to have fun and take pride in creating, laughing, becoming. I miss you, Mom, and I will celebrate Halloween for as long as I can.
Three reasons I love Halloween:
- a chance to put on some clothes from a second hand store and become another character for a day. I rant every year about people who spend a zillion dollars on store bought costumes, because for me 'dressing up' is just that - dressing up and actually becoming someone else, not renting a monkey suit. I ranted a little less this year, because I chose to see the store-bought characters as at least having the fortitude to put on another face and go out in public for some fun.
-seeing kids excited about their costumes. There is magic in watching them and magic is seeing them transform into another character for a few hours. The candy is the wage earned for living the magic and the long and cold walks door-to-door.
-memories of my Mom and her ability to create wonderful costumes out of nothing. She would do this for us for Halloween and the annual small town parade in the town where we grew up. More importantly, she would do this for herself for Masquerade Balls and the occasional Halloween. With eight kids, no money, and far less time than I have, she would take this little slice of time for herself. She was thrifty, funny, creative, and taught me the importance of using these opportunities to have fun and take pride in creating, laughing, becoming. I miss you, Mom, and I will celebrate Halloween for as long as I can.
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
Getting Things Done
Three accomplishments today:
-first draft of a rather convoluted procedure
-answered questions and did some training
-shared individual laughs with more than five people
-first draft of a rather convoluted procedure
-answered questions and did some training
-shared individual laughs with more than five people
Saturday, October 3, 2009
Unexpected Treasures
Yesterday was a day I had planned to do chores and running around. Time got away from me, in the way time often does when a day is over-planned and over-scheduled (especially if the overly-scheduled has to do with obligations). I didn't get everything done I had hoped to accomplish. Instead there were a few nuggets of great time spent. And the treasures helped to refocus my overall life priorities once again, and release the frustration I felt at not having enough time to get 'everything' done.
The three treasures from Friday:
-a long phone visit with The Sister #2, where we just talked about 'stuff'. It felt like she was in my kitchen having coffee, and not thousands of miles away.
-a drive out of town with The Kid. Time well spent and open, honest conversation. I feel I know her better.
-great belly laughs with The Kid as we looked at the photos from our recent holiday. We had no plans to do this, and we actually on our way out the door to do more chores, when a spur of the moment decision led us to this.
The people and the time spent with them are what brings me happiness and satisfaction. The obligations and chores may have to get done, but they will wait for you. Take the opportunities, whenever you can, to fill your time with people.
The three treasures from Friday:
-a long phone visit with The Sister #2, where we just talked about 'stuff'. It felt like she was in my kitchen having coffee, and not thousands of miles away.
-a drive out of town with The Kid. Time well spent and open, honest conversation. I feel I know her better.
-great belly laughs with The Kid as we looked at the photos from our recent holiday. We had no plans to do this, and we actually on our way out the door to do more chores, when a spur of the moment decision led us to this.
The people and the time spent with them are what brings me happiness and satisfaction. The obligations and chores may have to get done, but they will wait for you. Take the opportunities, whenever you can, to fill your time with people.
Friday, September 25, 2009
Smoking
No, this is not going to be a post about three things I like about smoking. With all the reasons to quit, I don't understand why I still smoke. And with all those well-published reasons to quit, here are the top three biggest benefits for me:
-a tremendous relief from the guilt I carry every day of my life.
-the return of my self-respect.
-knowing I am tougher than nicotine and can conquer the fear of not having cigarettes to manage my emotions.
Perhaps too simplified for some to undestand and OF COURSE my health and money and no longer disappointing The Kid and other loved ones are right up there on the list. I beat cancer - why can't I beat smoking? How weird this addiction is and how I hate it!
-a tremendous relief from the guilt I carry every day of my life.
-the return of my self-respect.
-knowing I am tougher than nicotine and can conquer the fear of not having cigarettes to manage my emotions.
Perhaps too simplified for some to undestand and OF COURSE my health and money and no longer disappointing The Kid and other loved ones are right up there on the list. I beat cancer - why can't I beat smoking? How weird this addiction is and how I hate it!
Monday, September 21, 2009
Collecting as a Hobby
Late last week, I became the proud owner (??) of about ten thousand lapel buttons. They were part of a number of collections of an elderly lady who passed away last year. I have no idea what I'm going to do with them, and I certainly don't want them all. I've looked at about one-quarter of them and there are a few gems in there, but this is not something I want to try to find space for in my less than one thousand square foot condo.
I've been thinking about collections, hobbies, past-times, and especially collecting as a hobby over the past few days. Some people have turned their hobbies into lucrative businesses; others have turned their collections into their fifteen minutes of fame - like the lady on Letterman a few years ago that collected oddly shaped potato chips. It made me laugh at the time, but I did wonder if it was a staged performance. I wondered about taking someone's eccentricity or mental illness and splashing it all over national TV. There are occasional newpaper articles about someone's huge collection of something. Most often, these are just normal people who let something get out of hand. One thing about collecting something, anything, is that it gives others an instant idea for a gift. "Hazel collects Care Bears? Well, I know what I can give her for Christmas". Often collectors don't do the collecting themselves, but get pieces from well-meaning friends and family members.
I have fallen into the collection pit a few times. I enjoyed it for awhile and then I either lost interest or the collection became a chore.
Three things I've collected in my life:
-pens. In my early and mid-teen years, I collected company pens. I do have a very active stationery gene, and growing up in a poverty-stricken environment, the pens seemed a wonder to me. I could get FREE pens. Sometimes I used them, but they mostly just lived in a shoebox, and every so often, I would take them out and look at them, sort them, and see if they all still worked. I don't remember when I quit 'actively' collecting, but I remember throwing them away.
-elephants. All sorts of elephants - stuffed, brass, glass, pottery, wooden, small, large, trunk up, trunk down, Asian, Indian. I had received a stuffed blue elephant as a birthday present, and decided to collect them. I collected and displayed my elephants for about ten years. I don't think I ever counted them, but I had LOTS, and they were taking over my house. Eventually, I had too many. They didn't look good anymore, because they were everywhere. I got very tired of dusting them and taking care of them. Gradually, I started getting rid of some of the ones that had no meaning for me, and eventually was able to part with all of them, except three very little miniature ones that my sister bought for me in Hawaii.
-teapots. I still have about 30, but the collection did top 80 a few years ago. The ones I've kept have some meaning for me or are unusually shaped. Looking at them now, I could pare it down to about 15 that I would really want to keep. The work to clean them and donate them stops me from 'cutting down'. They live on the top of my kitchen cabinets, so aren't in my face every day, like the darn elephants were. My teapot collection started with two very special ones: one from my Mom, who got it when her sister Clara passed away. It was a wedding present Auntie Clara had gotten in 1923 (maybe from my Mom; I don't know). The second is a dark green china teapot, of the type used in many small restaurants. I was given this one by my Auntie Florence, from a hotel she and Uncle Art operated for a few years.
The teapot collection, coupled with my mother's death, started another collection. Old stuff. Things from my Mom's kitchen, and then the occasional garage sale find of something that reminded me of my Mom or my childhood. This collection right now is boxed away. I would like to have these old dishes and tools and implements out on display as part of my decor, but I have no room. Why? Because my hobbies of scrapbooking and family history have turned into collections of papers, tools, cutters, history books, and binders - I have no room left on my shelves.
I laugh at the button collection and at other huge collections and I wonder about my own desire to collect. Perhaps a part of human nature that can get out of control. And sometimes I regret having pitched the pens, the elephants, some of the teapots, Games magazines, and other various items I've saved and purged over the years. Mostly, though, I think I finished a stage in my life and had to move on. And it will happen again.
I've been thinking about collections, hobbies, past-times, and especially collecting as a hobby over the past few days. Some people have turned their hobbies into lucrative businesses; others have turned their collections into their fifteen minutes of fame - like the lady on Letterman a few years ago that collected oddly shaped potato chips. It made me laugh at the time, but I did wonder if it was a staged performance. I wondered about taking someone's eccentricity or mental illness and splashing it all over national TV. There are occasional newpaper articles about someone's huge collection of something. Most often, these are just normal people who let something get out of hand. One thing about collecting something, anything, is that it gives others an instant idea for a gift. "Hazel collects Care Bears? Well, I know what I can give her for Christmas". Often collectors don't do the collecting themselves, but get pieces from well-meaning friends and family members.
I have fallen into the collection pit a few times. I enjoyed it for awhile and then I either lost interest or the collection became a chore.
Three things I've collected in my life:
-pens. In my early and mid-teen years, I collected company pens. I do have a very active stationery gene, and growing up in a poverty-stricken environment, the pens seemed a wonder to me. I could get FREE pens. Sometimes I used them, but they mostly just lived in a shoebox, and every so often, I would take them out and look at them, sort them, and see if they all still worked. I don't remember when I quit 'actively' collecting, but I remember throwing them away.
-elephants. All sorts of elephants - stuffed, brass, glass, pottery, wooden, small, large, trunk up, trunk down, Asian, Indian. I had received a stuffed blue elephant as a birthday present, and decided to collect them. I collected and displayed my elephants for about ten years. I don't think I ever counted them, but I had LOTS, and they were taking over my house. Eventually, I had too many. They didn't look good anymore, because they were everywhere. I got very tired of dusting them and taking care of them. Gradually, I started getting rid of some of the ones that had no meaning for me, and eventually was able to part with all of them, except three very little miniature ones that my sister bought for me in Hawaii.
-teapots. I still have about 30, but the collection did top 80 a few years ago. The ones I've kept have some meaning for me or are unusually shaped. Looking at them now, I could pare it down to about 15 that I would really want to keep. The work to clean them and donate them stops me from 'cutting down'. They live on the top of my kitchen cabinets, so aren't in my face every day, like the darn elephants were. My teapot collection started with two very special ones: one from my Mom, who got it when her sister Clara passed away. It was a wedding present Auntie Clara had gotten in 1923 (maybe from my Mom; I don't know). The second is a dark green china teapot, of the type used in many small restaurants. I was given this one by my Auntie Florence, from a hotel she and Uncle Art operated for a few years.
The teapot collection, coupled with my mother's death, started another collection. Old stuff. Things from my Mom's kitchen, and then the occasional garage sale find of something that reminded me of my Mom or my childhood. This collection right now is boxed away. I would like to have these old dishes and tools and implements out on display as part of my decor, but I have no room. Why? Because my hobbies of scrapbooking and family history have turned into collections of papers, tools, cutters, history books, and binders - I have no room left on my shelves.
I laugh at the button collection and at other huge collections and I wonder about my own desire to collect. Perhaps a part of human nature that can get out of control. And sometimes I regret having pitched the pens, the elephants, some of the teapots, Games magazines, and other various items I've saved and purged over the years. Mostly, though, I think I finished a stage in my life and had to move on. And it will happen again.
Sunday, September 13, 2009
Diversity
I started this week on vacation, in a gorgeous mountain area, hundreds of miles from my home and am ending this week in my own house, with the same old views out my windows. And in between these two days was a week filled with diversity. Time spent with many family members, a visit to Heritage Park, a movie, good (and bad) restaurant meals, back to the work routine and home-chores routines like grocery shopping and laundry and housework, contacts with people at work that were sometimes trying and sometimes satisfying, contacts with friends and aquaintances in a number of ways, an emergency visit to the hearing aid clinic to try to solve a 'howling aid' problem, time with The Kid, being asked for advice from some people, asking others for advice, time with others, time alone. Each week is almost as diverse, and I often forget how much I do or how many I people I talk to or how much time there really is in any given week. I'm lucky to have this.
Three things I learned in this week of diversity:
-vacations are fantastic, no matter what I do or what the circumstances. Vacations, for me, exist to get a break from my real life and the time off and away always helps me to refocus on my day to day life. Often I dread the end of a holiday and having to go back to reality. Coming home this time re-emphasized to me that I can create a vacation attitude every day. I don't do that as often as I could, and my moods and attitudes suffer for it. It re-taught me that I need to plan something to look forward to: large vacations, small moments with family, time out for fun, and this week, even cleaning house and getting my physical space back in order. Re-organizing my living space is one more small way that I am reclaiming my life.
-the people in my life are there for a reason. There are people I have chosen to have in my life and there are others that have to be there, through the choices of others. One example of this is some colleagues at work who are particulary difficult for me to deal with. My lesson this week is that they are not just going to go away, and I have to interact with them. I can keep my sanity and lower my stress level by remembering I can't change the situation or the person. I can only work on my reactions and emotions during my contacts with these people. It sounds so easy, but is so hard to do in reality. The lesson is to look at myself and analyze my own reactions, and to take pride in myself when I can walk away without being frustrated, angry, or giving up. There will be some successes and some failures for me in working this way. And they're just people.
-I am lucky to live in an age where technology and medical advances make my life easier. And have allowed me to HAVE life. I thought I'd go stark raving mad when I had problems with my hearing aid this week - continual howling if it was in and a very marked decrease in hearing if it was out. My visit to the hearing aid clinic did not solve my problem, but did make it somewhat better. I have some areas of strangeness with my body - calcified ear bones than create hearing loss, high protein producing eyes, blood that is too 'thick' and clots for no known reason, a recent meet-and-greet with cancer that has left me with an ostomy and a bag for elimination, areas in my breasts that are being monitored due to calcification. I had a little fat cyst removed from my shoulder a number of years ago, and no one knows why it grew. Very strange things, these bodies of ours, but also they are the most amazing and fascinating things on Earth. I can hear better, keep my blood from clotting, monitor the calcification, and eat, breathe, and LIVE thanks to being born in this age, where these medical advances are available, and often taken for granted.
I hope to have just as diverse a week coming up and pray I can find the good stuff.
Three things I learned in this week of diversity:
-vacations are fantastic, no matter what I do or what the circumstances. Vacations, for me, exist to get a break from my real life and the time off and away always helps me to refocus on my day to day life. Often I dread the end of a holiday and having to go back to reality. Coming home this time re-emphasized to me that I can create a vacation attitude every day. I don't do that as often as I could, and my moods and attitudes suffer for it. It re-taught me that I need to plan something to look forward to: large vacations, small moments with family, time out for fun, and this week, even cleaning house and getting my physical space back in order. Re-organizing my living space is one more small way that I am reclaiming my life.
-the people in my life are there for a reason. There are people I have chosen to have in my life and there are others that have to be there, through the choices of others. One example of this is some colleagues at work who are particulary difficult for me to deal with. My lesson this week is that they are not just going to go away, and I have to interact with them. I can keep my sanity and lower my stress level by remembering I can't change the situation or the person. I can only work on my reactions and emotions during my contacts with these people. It sounds so easy, but is so hard to do in reality. The lesson is to look at myself and analyze my own reactions, and to take pride in myself when I can walk away without being frustrated, angry, or giving up. There will be some successes and some failures for me in working this way. And they're just people.
-I am lucky to live in an age where technology and medical advances make my life easier. And have allowed me to HAVE life. I thought I'd go stark raving mad when I had problems with my hearing aid this week - continual howling if it was in and a very marked decrease in hearing if it was out. My visit to the hearing aid clinic did not solve my problem, but did make it somewhat better. I have some areas of strangeness with my body - calcified ear bones than create hearing loss, high protein producing eyes, blood that is too 'thick' and clots for no known reason, a recent meet-and-greet with cancer that has left me with an ostomy and a bag for elimination, areas in my breasts that are being monitored due to calcification. I had a little fat cyst removed from my shoulder a number of years ago, and no one knows why it grew. Very strange things, these bodies of ours, but also they are the most amazing and fascinating things on Earth. I can hear better, keep my blood from clotting, monitor the calcification, and eat, breathe, and LIVE thanks to being born in this age, where these medical advances are available, and often taken for granted.
I hope to have just as diverse a week coming up and pray I can find the good stuff.
Sunday, August 30, 2009
Reflections on Sunday Night
I often have a hard time on Sunday nights. There are a few reasons for this, one being that Sunday was always a special and family day when I was growing up, with big meals and time spent together. From the time I was young, I have disliked Sunday (and the weekend) ending and having to face going back to school, and then to work, on Monday. The evening routine of getting clothes and lunch ready, along with plotting out the next work week in my mind, creates anxiety, and a desire to have the family Sunday closeness of my childhood. Watching Walt Disney, Ed Sulllivan, and Bonanza seems an easier and calmer way to spend Sunday evening.
Three good things about this particular Sunday evening:
-the setting sun from my west-facing balcony is a huge orange fireball in the sky. The amazing sunsets from my west-facing balcony make up for the very hot temperatures inside.
-I had a weekend with time spent with an out-of-town brother, with good friends, with my daughter, and with one of my other brothers and his wife. I had a long visit with my sister on the phone, and emails from other friends and family. Good company and good laughs.
-I've made a decision to reclaim myself. I've had some days this summer of sadness and depression; to reclaim myself has given me some hope and inner peace. The reclamation will take a few forms. One simple one will be to take the steps to change back to my maiden name. I have carried this married surname for more years than I had my maiden name, but the married name is just a name I used. It does not define who I am and has little meaning for me. My maiden name gets me back to who I was. I don't understand the concept of taking someone else's name anymore. It is symbolic to me of giving up part of yourself.
This Sunday night is better than many, many that came before today.
Three good things about this particular Sunday evening:
-the setting sun from my west-facing balcony is a huge orange fireball in the sky. The amazing sunsets from my west-facing balcony make up for the very hot temperatures inside.
-I had a weekend with time spent with an out-of-town brother, with good friends, with my daughter, and with one of my other brothers and his wife. I had a long visit with my sister on the phone, and emails from other friends and family. Good company and good laughs.
-I've made a decision to reclaim myself. I've had some days this summer of sadness and depression; to reclaim myself has given me some hope and inner peace. The reclamation will take a few forms. One simple one will be to take the steps to change back to my maiden name. I have carried this married surname for more years than I had my maiden name, but the married name is just a name I used. It does not define who I am and has little meaning for me. My maiden name gets me back to who I was. I don't understand the concept of taking someone else's name anymore. It is symbolic to me of giving up part of yourself.
This Sunday night is better than many, many that came before today.
Saturday, August 29, 2009
View from the Balcony
Three things that fed my soul, in the past 24 hours, from my west-facing balcony:
-three little tiny dogs playing together in the soccer field. This is not an off-leash area, and there are "NO DOGS ALLOWED" signs posted. I see people bringing their dogs there every day and it usually annoys me. Yesterday, though, seeing the little ones romp and run and trip was heart-warming. Any type of babies are so cute and amazing.
- a half moon, shining bright orange. I think it was brighter than I've ever seen, for an orangey moon. A harvest moon, perhaps?
-early this morning, a deer ran across the field, and then just sauntered along the edge of the bushes, nibbling on leaves along his way.
-three little tiny dogs playing together in the soccer field. This is not an off-leash area, and there are "NO DOGS ALLOWED" signs posted. I see people bringing their dogs there every day and it usually annoys me. Yesterday, though, seeing the little ones romp and run and trip was heart-warming. Any type of babies are so cute and amazing.
- a half moon, shining bright orange. I think it was brighter than I've ever seen, for an orangey moon. A harvest moon, perhaps?
-early this morning, a deer ran across the field, and then just sauntered along the edge of the bushes, nibbling on leaves along his way.
Sunday, August 23, 2009
Well, there are a lot of things one could say about Facebook, and there are days I wonder why I use it. The whole social networking thing has created articles, books, and strong opinions. It seems whenever I've decided to discontinue my facebook account, someone posts something that cracks me up.
When I started facebooking, I played some games and accepted friend invitations from almost anyone I know who sent the request. Now I've deleted some friends and am more choosy about who and why I allow people into my facebook life. I don't use other applications too often and don't join every facebook cause or page that comes my way.
I try to avoid the emotional, dramatic rants that some people post. "OMG! I love my man so much. He is the best and I can imagine life without him" or "Everyone who makes me mad should be boiled in oil and fried til they die" or "Why doesn't anyone love me for who I am?". Although I've slipped occasionally into the emotional life splashed all over the internet, I try to keep it light, and most people I am facebook friends with do the same, or at least just a brief status update on what is going on that day.
Three things I like about facebook:
-Running jokes and gags with my family. We are a very funny bunch and sometimes the humour doesn't quite translate to the abbreviated written word, but 'they get it'.
-Contact with friends who had moved out of my life. People move on and move away. Facebook has brought a couple old friends back from years ago and I keep in touch with newer frineds that have recently moved long distances away. One friend who moved to Australia is keeping all of us back here up to date with her daily 'stuff' and I love seeing her pictures and stories of her new life. Former work colleagues keep in touch with how their new lives are.
-Contact with a whole bunch of family and cousins who I otherwise wouldn't see or talk to for years. Again, the time and distance thing. This has been amazing for me, with my bent for family history and family ties.
I have fun with it.
When I started facebooking, I played some games and accepted friend invitations from almost anyone I know who sent the request. Now I've deleted some friends and am more choosy about who and why I allow people into my facebook life. I don't use other applications too often and don't join every facebook cause or page that comes my way.
I try to avoid the emotional, dramatic rants that some people post. "OMG! I love my man so much. He is the best and I can imagine life without him" or "Everyone who makes me mad should be boiled in oil and fried til they die" or "Why doesn't anyone love me for who I am?". Although I've slipped occasionally into the emotional life splashed all over the internet, I try to keep it light, and most people I am facebook friends with do the same, or at least just a brief status update on what is going on that day.
Three things I like about facebook:
-Running jokes and gags with my family. We are a very funny bunch and sometimes the humour doesn't quite translate to the abbreviated written word, but 'they get it'.
-Contact with friends who had moved out of my life. People move on and move away. Facebook has brought a couple old friends back from years ago and I keep in touch with newer frineds that have recently moved long distances away. One friend who moved to Australia is keeping all of us back here up to date with her daily 'stuff' and I love seeing her pictures and stories of her new life. Former work colleagues keep in touch with how their new lives are.
-Contact with a whole bunch of family and cousins who I otherwise wouldn't see or talk to for years. Again, the time and distance thing. This has been amazing for me, with my bent for family history and family ties.
I have fun with it.
Saturday, August 15, 2009
Three Dreams for Fun
Time keeps on slippin', slippin' sliipin' into the future...
Summer is almost gone and it's seems very short this year. That is mostly Mother nature's fault, with a cold wet spring, and too few warm sunny days. I made the summer shorter for myself this year by not getting out and doing 'summer stuff'. I needed a break and some down time from overly busy days but I let the break carry on a bit too long. I did some reflecting and regrouping but also let myself slide into an almost-depressed state. So now I think I'm back and I know I have work to do to create my life and rekindle my passions.
Three things I'd like to do:
- join (start?) an Improv Theatre group.
-become a clown.
-have a regular Games night.
Summer is almost gone and it's seems very short this year. That is mostly Mother nature's fault, with a cold wet spring, and too few warm sunny days. I made the summer shorter for myself this year by not getting out and doing 'summer stuff'. I needed a break and some down time from overly busy days but I let the break carry on a bit too long. I did some reflecting and regrouping but also let myself slide into an almost-depressed state. So now I think I'm back and I know I have work to do to create my life and rekindle my passions.
Three things I'd like to do:
- join (start?) an Improv Theatre group.
-become a clown.
-have a regular Games night.
Saturday, August 1, 2009
Three Gifts
Three things my fight with cancer has given me:
-my family. I have a large and close family and my time spent with cancer opened up new family closeness and opportunities for me. I always had my family and knew I could count on them, but my experience with this bastard disease, has brought them all so much closer to me in my heart, my thoughts, and there has been more time spent together. It seems that the family members are making more time together, as well. The extended family of many cousins on both sides of the family has spread so far and so wide, but I now know more of them in a closer way, and I work harder at keeping in touch with them.
-my friends. This journey down the illness road changed my friendships. It sounds trite and cliche, but it truly did open my eyes to 'who my friends really are'. There are people who I expected to be right beside me who, for their own reasons, had to run the other way. I'm okay with that and I don't think I have judged them for that. Each person has to make their own decisions in any given situation. However, the relationships with those people have changed. There were other people who I didn't expect any support from who were with me every step of the way, and my realtionships with them have also changed. There is a different closeness and level of trust and it gives me peace.
-my attitudes. I still struggle with poor and destructive coping mechanisms and reactions to people and situations, but I catch the negativity and ill-fated consequences much sooner now. I'm far more likely to let things go and to laugh and to sing and to find some small good thing about most situations. I have not quite created the lifestyle I want, but am taking steps to get there. I don't know why my life was spared or what I am meant to do, but little glimmers of that happen each day. I don't think I've been put on this earth or my life spared for some noble purpose, but I do know I have talents and gifts of myself to share with others. Keying into that and working toward the little good I can add to someone else's life, even for a moment, is the most satisfying feeling. To truly give of myself with no expectations of favors returned or undying gratitude is what this whole thing called life is about, for me.
-my family. I have a large and close family and my time spent with cancer opened up new family closeness and opportunities for me. I always had my family and knew I could count on them, but my experience with this bastard disease, has brought them all so much closer to me in my heart, my thoughts, and there has been more time spent together. It seems that the family members are making more time together, as well. The extended family of many cousins on both sides of the family has spread so far and so wide, but I now know more of them in a closer way, and I work harder at keeping in touch with them.
-my friends. This journey down the illness road changed my friendships. It sounds trite and cliche, but it truly did open my eyes to 'who my friends really are'. There are people who I expected to be right beside me who, for their own reasons, had to run the other way. I'm okay with that and I don't think I have judged them for that. Each person has to make their own decisions in any given situation. However, the relationships with those people have changed. There were other people who I didn't expect any support from who were with me every step of the way, and my realtionships with them have also changed. There is a different closeness and level of trust and it gives me peace.
-my attitudes. I still struggle with poor and destructive coping mechanisms and reactions to people and situations, but I catch the negativity and ill-fated consequences much sooner now. I'm far more likely to let things go and to laugh and to sing and to find some small good thing about most situations. I have not quite created the lifestyle I want, but am taking steps to get there. I don't know why my life was spared or what I am meant to do, but little glimmers of that happen each day. I don't think I've been put on this earth or my life spared for some noble purpose, but I do know I have talents and gifts of myself to share with others. Keying into that and working toward the little good I can add to someone else's life, even for a moment, is the most satisfying feeling. To truly give of myself with no expectations of favors returned or undying gratitude is what this whole thing called life is about, for me.
Monday, July 27, 2009
A Tough Day
A rather hard day today; rumors of more cut backs and restructuring at work so people were edgy and more demanding than usual. Then news that a former colleague is having a very tough time with her chemo. Then news that a friend's father-in-law passed away. It's sometimes a bit of a stretch to keep finding the good things and gratitude on days like today. Harder to do, but more important to find the good things on a bad day, without discounting how the bad stuff makes me, and others, feel.
Three things I thought about to make the bad day better:
-I am alive and healthy, and have been given compassion that I can share with my grieving friend and suffering former colleague.
-Work is work, and everyone reacts differently to change. I can only make decisions about my own actions and reactions. I had the wisdom granted to me today to remember people were reacting to a situation, and not to me personally.
-I thought about how great the weather is, and how sunshine energizes me.
Three things I thought about to make the bad day better:
-I am alive and healthy, and have been given compassion that I can share with my grieving friend and suffering former colleague.
-Work is work, and everyone reacts differently to change. I can only make decisions about my own actions and reactions. I had the wisdom granted to me today to remember people were reacting to a situation, and not to me personally.
-I thought about how great the weather is, and how sunshine energizes me.
Saturday, July 25, 2009
What Shall I Do?
A very hot summer Saturday, with no plans made yet. Chores await, and although there are some chores I actually want to do, these are the three things I'd rather do:
-write some more of my maternal family history for a local history book that is being published next year. I have started a rough draft and have a good outline to follow. There are a large number of local history books from the areas where my people settled, and yet there is very little mention of my family. Procrastination/Tronnes Time on one side of the family and perhaps lack of interest on the other side? Or maybe the families didn't know in time to have their stories included. I believe this is an important undertaking and everyone should write something of their history, even if not for a formal publication. Even though there has not been a good, comprehensive story published about my family in any of these books, there have been enough tidbits (usually is someone else's story where my family is mentioned) that I have learned things I never knew. The greater goal is to continue writing what I've started. A tome of information, and I have started with basic information about both sides of the family. I don't spend as much time as I'd like writing the next chapters.
-scrapbooking in some way, shape, or form. I'm in the middle of three ablums and have at least four other planned in my head. I also want to create a huge wall mural of family history and photos incorporating scrapbooking techniques. I haven't figured out what type of medium to use. My first thought was to paint and post directly on the wall. I still love that idea, but if I ever move from this place, the wall will be lost, and it would take a ton of work to remove/repaint. I also have a collage idea for recovering my file boxes. My desire to create is strong this morning, so I should give into that, and leave the chores.
-scanning old family photos. For the past three years, since I started this project, my goal has been to get the pictures all scanned and burned to CD for my siblings, child, neices, nephews as Chritmas gifts. I'm not there yet, but am about half way done.
Yes, I think the chores will wait today. Perhaps I can do some of each of these. So many ideas, projects, creative things I want to do, and often I let life and my job get in the way of having time to work on them. And sometimes I overwhelm myself with the thought of so much I want to do, that I don't start anything. I really like to live my life doing what I want to do, the things that make me happy or satisfied, and yet I make the obligations take higher priority.
-write some more of my maternal family history for a local history book that is being published next year. I have started a rough draft and have a good outline to follow. There are a large number of local history books from the areas where my people settled, and yet there is very little mention of my family. Procrastination/Tronnes Time on one side of the family and perhaps lack of interest on the other side? Or maybe the families didn't know in time to have their stories included. I believe this is an important undertaking and everyone should write something of their history, even if not for a formal publication. Even though there has not been a good, comprehensive story published about my family in any of these books, there have been enough tidbits (usually is someone else's story where my family is mentioned) that I have learned things I never knew. The greater goal is to continue writing what I've started. A tome of information, and I have started with basic information about both sides of the family. I don't spend as much time as I'd like writing the next chapters.
-scrapbooking in some way, shape, or form. I'm in the middle of three ablums and have at least four other planned in my head. I also want to create a huge wall mural of family history and photos incorporating scrapbooking techniques. I haven't figured out what type of medium to use. My first thought was to paint and post directly on the wall. I still love that idea, but if I ever move from this place, the wall will be lost, and it would take a ton of work to remove/repaint. I also have a collage idea for recovering my file boxes. My desire to create is strong this morning, so I should give into that, and leave the chores.
-scanning old family photos. For the past three years, since I started this project, my goal has been to get the pictures all scanned and burned to CD for my siblings, child, neices, nephews as Chritmas gifts. I'm not there yet, but am about half way done.
Yes, I think the chores will wait today. Perhaps I can do some of each of these. So many ideas, projects, creative things I want to do, and often I let life and my job get in the way of having time to work on them. And sometimes I overwhelm myself with the thought of so much I want to do, that I don't start anything. I really like to live my life doing what I want to do, the things that make me happy or satisfied, and yet I make the obligations take higher priority.
Friday, July 24, 2009
Hot Days
It is so hot today. My house has been more than 26 degrees for three days straight and there is no end to the heat wave. Energy level is low and I feel as muggy as the air. But, in spite of all that, three good things about +30 weather:
-It is not -30
-It is not -30
-It is not -30
-It is not -30
-It is not -30
-It is not -30
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
family
I have a great family and love them all dearly. And I love that they can be silly and laugh and play.
Three genes my family inherited:
-the sense of humor gene
-the peaceful gene
-the cowlick gene
Three genes my family inherited:
-the sense of humor gene
-the peaceful gene
-the cowlick gene
Monday, July 20, 2009
What about today?
Three things that made today a good day:
-concern and understanding from The Kid about my mixed emotions when trying to decide if I should go to Cheryl's funeral, and her acceptance of my decision.
-a hug and an honest "Are you okay? This must be so hard for you." from a friend and colleague.
-the silliness of my family on facebook. They keep me laughing and I like that we keep our facebooking light and positive and funny; I'm glad we don't spread our lives and trials and tribulations there. We always know how to laugh and be silly and play.
-concern and understanding from The Kid about my mixed emotions when trying to decide if I should go to Cheryl's funeral, and her acceptance of my decision.
-a hug and an honest "Are you okay? This must be so hard for you." from a friend and colleague.
-the silliness of my family on facebook. They keep me laughing and I like that we keep our facebooking light and positive and funny; I'm glad we don't spread our lives and trials and tribulations there. We always know how to laugh and be silly and play.
Sunday, July 19, 2009
gratitude
I started this blog on a whim, but after thinking about it for awhile, I chose a sort-of theme. I used to keep a gratitude journal, where every day I would write down three things I was grateful for, or three things good about that day, or three special moments. That became my theme here, in a much more public way, but I have not taken the time to scribe daily. I have found time to check facebook and email daily though. Priorities? I chose to share this with a few special people in my life. I don't know if anyone reads it, but my intent was to do the three things list for myself, so it matters not if there are readers out there.
I saw an obituary this morning for a woman I met at the cancer clinic. I am still, hours later, struggling with how I feel about this. I am so fortunate to be alive and try to celebrate that in some way each day. It's hard to do, though. I find that I often return to my pre-cancer methods of coping and reacting. I still carry more anger than is healthy. I don't like the weight of that anger. It creeps in there before I know it. The 'three things' is one of the best ways for me to keep life in perspective.
Part of my anger since last September has been about spending so many hours of my life involved with work. I have much better things to do and so many more things I want to do than my job. Lots of possible solutions to this, I know.
My three things today are postive things about my job:
-A core group of co-workers that I trust and no 'big boss' looking over my shoulder. I am given work to do and am trusted to get it done, without undue interference.
-Very casual work environment, with casual clothes. I can (and do) wear jeans and t-shirts every day to work. Comfort is a big selling point. The dress clothes and the high heels and the perfection are not for me.
-I am paid pretty darn well for what I do and what my education is. I don't have an extravagant lifestyle or a lot of toys, but don't want or need them. My financial health is better than it's ever been. I know money is not everything - in fact, it's close to nothing. I've been on the other side of the fence, with no money and struggling to survive. The stress of that is incredible, but what was important to me then and what made me happy then, are the same things as now. People, sunshine, laughter, family, creativity, music, sunsets, nature, babies, being at peace within.
As I struggle today with what my life is, and my feelings about the loss of Cheryl and the unfairness of that, and with the fact that I have not quite made my life and lifestyle what I want it to be, I can work at letting go of the anger about having to work and the anger about work taking up my time to live, by finding today's three things that are good about my job. And I can write really long sentences.
I saw an obituary this morning for a woman I met at the cancer clinic. I am still, hours later, struggling with how I feel about this. I am so fortunate to be alive and try to celebrate that in some way each day. It's hard to do, though. I find that I often return to my pre-cancer methods of coping and reacting. I still carry more anger than is healthy. I don't like the weight of that anger. It creeps in there before I know it. The 'three things' is one of the best ways for me to keep life in perspective.
Part of my anger since last September has been about spending so many hours of my life involved with work. I have much better things to do and so many more things I want to do than my job. Lots of possible solutions to this, I know.
My three things today are postive things about my job:
-A core group of co-workers that I trust and no 'big boss' looking over my shoulder. I am given work to do and am trusted to get it done, without undue interference.
-Very casual work environment, with casual clothes. I can (and do) wear jeans and t-shirts every day to work. Comfort is a big selling point. The dress clothes and the high heels and the perfection are not for me.
-I am paid pretty darn well for what I do and what my education is. I don't have an extravagant lifestyle or a lot of toys, but don't want or need them. My financial health is better than it's ever been. I know money is not everything - in fact, it's close to nothing. I've been on the other side of the fence, with no money and struggling to survive. The stress of that is incredible, but what was important to me then and what made me happy then, are the same things as now. People, sunshine, laughter, family, creativity, music, sunsets, nature, babies, being at peace within.
As I struggle today with what my life is, and my feelings about the loss of Cheryl and the unfairness of that, and with the fact that I have not quite made my life and lifestyle what I want it to be, I can work at letting go of the anger about having to work and the anger about work taking up my time to live, by finding today's three things that are good about my job. And I can write really long sentences.
Sunday, July 5, 2009
More for my soul
Three things, of many, that fed my soul this week:
-spectacular Alberta summer skies
-The Kid relaxed and smiling
-good words of advice from a friend to help me get through a rough day
-spectacular Alberta summer skies
-The Kid relaxed and smiling
-good words of advice from a friend to help me get through a rough day
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
Family Mysteries
My searches for information about family history has led to many unanswered questions. I'm sure this is true for anyone who undertakes this hobby. My desire with family history is the personal history. The genealogical aspect of going back 22 generations is not as important to me as making some connection or finding some bit of information that makes these antecedants real to me, and not just a glob of names and dates. It has been exciting, though, to find information going back 5 or 6 generations. It makes me feel more connected to the world and to people. I can see the infinity of history.
Of all the family mysteries I'd like to solve, my top three (this week, anyway) are:
-Alexander Cameron Edmondson - brother of my grandfather, Walt. He is counted in the 1880 US census, and there is a marriage record for him on-line. And then nothing. A second marriage record exists for his wife. Where did he go? How and when did he die? In the AB homestead record my great-grandfather submitted to the government, he lists two sons and one daughter living with him. Did Alexander really come to Alberta for a time? Did his sister, Alice? Or did Joe just add that information to the forms thinking it would increase his chance of a homestead? What happened to Alexander?
-Anna-Maria (Scholzen) Hockertz - my maternal grandmother's mother. She was German, but for awhile we weren't even sure if she came to North America. There is a letter from Grandma to her Mom dated 1922, that shows Anna-Maria did come here. Where and when and how did she die? Her husband's gravesite is in Chipman, but no Anna-Marie there. Nothing that we could find in the provincial archives and, so far, nothing on-line. Where are you, Anna-Maria?
-Did my great-grandfather, Joe Edmondson really have anything to do with Jesse James? There is a convoluted family story about 'someone' sleeping in the same room as Jesse James. Some have heard this story as it being my Dad, which doesn't fit with the dates. It could, however have been his Dad, Walt. And now, no one of this generation even remembers who told the story. I don't know if anyone of this generation even remembers hearing it. There is a reference in a book, whose title escapes me right now, to a J. Edmondson riding with Jesse James. It is only a brief reference, and so far no one seems to know who the J. Edmondson was. And no other reference to an Edmondson in any Jesse James research I've done, to date. It's possible though - Nebraska is not far from Jesse James' territory and the dates fit for when Joe had his family in Nebraska. There are questions about how Joe made his money to have a full train car of stock to move to Canada. So could be...it would be an interesting black sheep to have.
There are many other mysteries in my family's past. I keep searching for these two people and others. It is a compelling mystery, this family history stuff. I want to know the whys of their lives and know them better. The searches continue, because their lives continue to shape mine. A long line of connections and habits and personalities and DNA that make me who I am. I love it.
Of all the family mysteries I'd like to solve, my top three (this week, anyway) are:
-Alexander Cameron Edmondson - brother of my grandfather, Walt. He is counted in the 1880 US census, and there is a marriage record for him on-line. And then nothing. A second marriage record exists for his wife. Where did he go? How and when did he die? In the AB homestead record my great-grandfather submitted to the government, he lists two sons and one daughter living with him. Did Alexander really come to Alberta for a time? Did his sister, Alice? Or did Joe just add that information to the forms thinking it would increase his chance of a homestead? What happened to Alexander?
-Anna-Maria (Scholzen) Hockertz - my maternal grandmother's mother. She was German, but for awhile we weren't even sure if she came to North America. There is a letter from Grandma to her Mom dated 1922, that shows Anna-Maria did come here. Where and when and how did she die? Her husband's gravesite is in Chipman, but no Anna-Marie there. Nothing that we could find in the provincial archives and, so far, nothing on-line. Where are you, Anna-Maria?
-Did my great-grandfather, Joe Edmondson really have anything to do with Jesse James? There is a convoluted family story about 'someone' sleeping in the same room as Jesse James. Some have heard this story as it being my Dad, which doesn't fit with the dates. It could, however have been his Dad, Walt. And now, no one of this generation even remembers who told the story. I don't know if anyone of this generation even remembers hearing it. There is a reference in a book, whose title escapes me right now, to a J. Edmondson riding with Jesse James. It is only a brief reference, and so far no one seems to know who the J. Edmondson was. And no other reference to an Edmondson in any Jesse James research I've done, to date. It's possible though - Nebraska is not far from Jesse James' territory and the dates fit for when Joe had his family in Nebraska. There are questions about how Joe made his money to have a full train car of stock to move to Canada. So could be...it would be an interesting black sheep to have.
There are many other mysteries in my family's past. I keep searching for these two people and others. It is a compelling mystery, this family history stuff. I want to know the whys of their lives and know them better. The searches continue, because their lives continue to shape mine. A long line of connections and habits and personalities and DNA that make me who I am. I love it.
Monday, June 15, 2009
The Alternate Route
Three reasons why I like to drive on Highway 2A, rather than Highway 2 (besides my dread of 'the four-lane', which has become a full-blown phobia. I'm okay as a passenger on #2 - well, mostly). Highway 2 is now named Queen Elizabeth Highway or The QE2. I call 2A The queen Mom; after all, it was there first.
- Seeing the natural world: up-close cows and horse, which includes calves and colts this time of year; a sheep farm; a goat farm; wildflowers growing in the ditches; many species of birds; brush and trees; natural coulees; gophers playing chicken; water fowl on the sloughs; a single llama in a field just north of Olds; farmers' fields.
-A slower pace, which means 100% less stress, so I can actually see the above. And better gas mileage. The slower pace calms me down and gets rid of the hurry-up-I-gotta-get-there attitude. I can get lost in the moment (not so lost in the moment that I'm inattentive, though). I actually enjoy the drive. Sometimes I get stuck behind a tractor or other farm machinery. I like that because I can go even slower, and they turn off after ten or fifteen miles, anyway
-Small towns right on the highway, for frequent bathroom breaks or coffee breaks or snack breaks. I don't have to plan where I should next pull off - I can just stop. It's a mini-vacation Sunday drive feeling.
- Seeing the natural world: up-close cows and horse, which includes calves and colts this time of year; a sheep farm; a goat farm; wildflowers growing in the ditches; many species of birds; brush and trees; natural coulees; gophers playing chicken; water fowl on the sloughs; a single llama in a field just north of Olds; farmers' fields.
-A slower pace, which means 100% less stress, so I can actually see the above. And better gas mileage. The slower pace calms me down and gets rid of the hurry-up-I-gotta-get-there attitude. I can get lost in the moment (not so lost in the moment that I'm inattentive, though). I actually enjoy the drive. Sometimes I get stuck behind a tractor or other farm machinery. I like that because I can go even slower, and they turn off after ten or fifteen miles, anyway
-Small towns right on the highway, for frequent bathroom breaks or coffee breaks or snack breaks. I don't have to plan where I should next pull off - I can just stop. It's a mini-vacation Sunday drive feeling.
Monday, June 8, 2009
Tai Chi in the Park
Although it was freezing cold, there were three things that fed my soul doing Tai Chi in the park tonight:
-on the way in, I counted seven clutches of goslings huddled on the shore. When leaving, the adults got into the water, followed by all the babies. Too many babies to count; it was incredible. I'm surprised at how big they are already, and hardly any yellow down left; the feathers are visible.
-a weasel swam so close to us that not only could we see his little head, we could see his little tiny eyes, and he was paddling so fast.
-a red-winged blackbird was perched near us on a branch, singing his song, and preening. It was like a personal show for us.
-on the way in, I counted seven clutches of goslings huddled on the shore. When leaving, the adults got into the water, followed by all the babies. Too many babies to count; it was incredible. I'm surprised at how big they are already, and hardly any yellow down left; the feathers are visible.
-a weasel swam so close to us that not only could we see his little head, we could see his little tiny eyes, and he was paddling so fast.
-a red-winged blackbird was perched near us on a branch, singing his song, and preening. It was like a personal show for us.
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
Playing around
Three childhood games I loved:
-Auntie - I - Over
-Seven Up
-Chinese skipping
I don't remember how good I was at these, but sure loved to play them.
-Auntie - I - Over
-Seven Up
-Chinese skipping
I don't remember how good I was at these, but sure loved to play them.
Monday, June 1, 2009
Inventions
Three things I'm glad were invented:
-the dishwasher. Stick 'em in and turn it on. Not much work to that.
-the vacuum cleaner. I do hate the chore of vacuuming, so I'm not quite as glad carpets/rugs were invented, but the vacuum is one up on beating the dirt out of a rug with a stick. And you gotta find something to hang the rug over; not too many clotheslines around anymore. (Oh no, I used the word hate on my so far mostly postive blog)
-the nutcracker; using a hammer is too messy and less effective. Little nut peices all mixed in with little shell pieces.
-the dishwasher. Stick 'em in and turn it on. Not much work to that.
-the vacuum cleaner. I do hate the chore of vacuuming, so I'm not quite as glad carpets/rugs were invented, but the vacuum is one up on beating the dirt out of a rug with a stick. And you gotta find something to hang the rug over; not too many clotheslines around anymore. (Oh no, I used the word hate on my so far mostly postive blog)
-the nutcracker; using a hammer is too messy and less effective. Little nut peices all mixed in with little shell pieces.
Sunday, May 31, 2009
Music for my ears
Three sounds I heard today that I really liked:
-birds singing this morning, while sitting in the sun in Airdrie; a peaceful time with a cup of tea
-The Kid laughing so hard she couldn't talk
-Roger Miller singing "Dang Me". Cracked me up!
-birds singing this morning, while sitting in the sun in Airdrie; a peaceful time with a cup of tea
-The Kid laughing so hard she couldn't talk
-Roger Miller singing "Dang Me". Cracked me up!
Thursday, May 28, 2009
Feeding my soul
Three things that fed my soul today:
- the mother fox had her babies out in the field this morning
-a good laugh about mis-heard words
-a chat with a friend sitting in the sunshine, with a light breeze
- the mother fox had her babies out in the field this morning
-a good laugh about mis-heard words
-a chat with a friend sitting in the sunshine, with a light breeze
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
Three things
Three things I liked about today:
-lots of sunshine
-saw an old friend
-prosuctive meeting with my boss
-lots of sunshine
-saw an old friend
-prosuctive meeting with my boss
Friday, May 22, 2009
Friday Night
I love Friday night. And it has sure changed. I used to live for Fridays to head out and party a bit, maybe dance, see my friends. Now I love it because I can relax, relax, relax, and not have to do anything about getting ready for work the next day - no lunch to make, no clothes to iron, no work thoughts scrambling my brain and interferring with my sleep. I can fall asleep on the couch if I watch tv too late (yeah, like 10 PM is too late in the real world). It is my best night.
And I suppose I've changed more than Friday nights have.
And I suppose I've changed more than Friday nights have.
Thursday, May 21, 2009
Saturday, May 9, 2009
An now it's Saturday
This does not make any more sense this morning, than it did last night at midnight. Why am I doing this? What important thoughts and words do I have to share? And with whom?
Friday, May 8, 2009
trying this out
So I drank caffeinated coffee at 9 Pm tonight and now here I am, thinking I'll blog. Like I don't have enough to do already. Let's see how this goes.
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