Thoughts About Time

I said I'd be back, and here I am. I realized that it is almost the end of May and I'd written only once this month, and that was to comment on why I hadn't written. Those of you who visit here regularly know I'm struggling with time and the perceived lack of same. I've been thinking about and self-analyzing that daily, since I last scribbled a few thoughts here.

Three more thoughts about time:

-My meet-and-greet with cancer, and facing my own mortality has changed me and changed my life in ways I can't articulate. One change is wanting to get stuff done. That is a very broad and open statement but there are so many things under the 'stuff' column that I have to lump them together as 'stuff'. I do have lists and lists and lists of things to do. It's a good technique for me - it helps sort out what truly is an obligation against the what-I-really-want-to-do list. The wanting to get stuff done comes from an underlying fear that I will die before I do what I want. I believe the fear of cancer coming back will never go away. It doesn't cripple or debilitate me, but rather pushes me to pursue. I have been working at accepting my fear lately, rather than pretending it isn't there. It seems easier to push it aside and forge onward, but turning my back on the fear recreates my previous poor coping mechanisms. Denial is crippling and the energy used to fight emotions destroys part of my soul and part of the very being of who I am. I'm scared - plain and simple. I can work with the fear to accomplish and to conquer life.

-Living in the moment, stopping to smell the flowers, being in the now. These are all terms to try to describe the same concept. This is a very difficult thing to do and I think I'm better at it now than in my pre-cancer life. I function better if I have plans made and if I build rewards into my life. Deadlines at work push and encourage me to do some of my best work. It is an oxymoron of sorts, but plans and deadlines help me (most of the time) to stay in the present. I know when I overdo it and can catch myself tottering on the edge of burnout/wired to the max/frantic-ness more quickly now than in my previous life. I enjoy my activities and work in the present so I can enjoy my activites and work more in the future.

-At this moment, right now, I'm feeling frustrated because I can not find the words I want to use to capture and explain my feelings. I have a need to explain it to you so that it makes more sense in my head, so I can understand it.

I am off work for a week, with no scheduled obligations. I am very much looking forward to it, and there are many things I want to do this week, including laying on the couch watching garbage TV or some other mindless relaxing (non) activities. The trick will be letting myself do what I want to do any given day or any given minute, without self-recriminations about all the other things I want to do. And time continues to be both my friend and my enemy.

Blogging

Once again, weeks have gone by without any posts. Why is that? Three reasons I haven't blogged for awhile:

-I had a busy month in April, doing a lot of extra things, with weekends also taken up by out of the oridinary activities

-I've said a number of times that it doesn't matter if anyone is reading this and that I'm doing it for myself. Well, would I be putting my thoughts and scribblings out there for the world to see, if I didn't want readers? Can I expect readers if I'm not writing? (I think not.)I know I have a couple regular readers. Thanks for continuing to check this out - you know who you are.

-After the busy-ness took over, I forgot I had a blog. Truly, seriously. Now I'm back. Stay tuned.