I stare at the pictures on my computer screen and search for myself in their faces. My great-grandmother, my grandmother, my mother. Karen to Emma to Edna to Kelly. I see some resemblances. Who were they, these women that came before me? What made them laugh? Made them cry? What fed their souls? I look for me in my daughter. Five generations of women stare back at me from the screen. Who am I?
I begin each meditation with some simple questions. One of them is "Who am I?" I throw the question out there for God (the universe, the spirit, the force, etcetera) to answer. Whisper the answer quietly to me. Let me know, please. Let me be certain of who I am.
Three things about my search for my Self:
- I am a mother, a sister, an aunt, a friend, a daughter, a confidant, a family historian, a loyal employee. I've been a wife, a lover. I am my life roles.
- I am a project manager, a Toastmaster, a sometimes Improv player, a sometimes Tai Chi participant, a writer. I've been a waitress, a Dietary Technologist, a restaurant cook, a restaurant manager, a basketball and baseball player, a student. I am my life activities.
- I am loving, compassionate, witty, intelligent, kind, impatient, quick to judge, confusing and confused, shy, introverted, passionate. I've been angry, rejected and rejecting, fighting, running. I am my life qualities.
I am all of these. I am my fore-mothers. I am part of nature, part of soul, part of God. I am learning, growing, finding, searching, reaching, striving always to BE. I am you.
Sunday, July 27, 2014
Tuesday, July 1, 2014
Restless Soul Syndrome
"Time flies out of the clock". Wise words spoken by my six year old great-nephew. And it does. It just flies out of the clock and I'm left wondering why I haven't gotten to all the things on my to-do list. I'm restless these days, as well. I am struggling to just be. The restlessness comes from deep within; a desire a wanting, a yearning....for what? I'm not sure. I want something else, I want something more. Today I have no idea what that something else is, what that something more is. Time. Growth. Peace. Love. People. All of the above and none of the above.
When I realized that I had this second chance, this do-over, I vowed to myself, to my soul, to my God that I'd not waste time. I want to live a full life. And I do. I now do things I'd never have dreamt of seven years ago. I let more people into my heart. I challenge myself. I learn. I reach out to help. So what then to make of this restlessness?
Three things about this newest bout of restlessness:
- a dear colleague died last week in a tragic accident. Each time I hear of the death of someone I know, I am reminded again that I have been given a second chance. Each time I question if I'm doing all I can, if I'm helping enough, if I'm loving others enough, if I'm doing what I'm here on Earth to do. Each minute feels right but as the minutes stretch to days, weeks, months, I am not so certain that this is "the path". It is, though. I am on the way to where I need to go. I just want to get there faster.
- I recently spent a weekend learning more about myself. I attended a workshop that centred around sacred gifts and how to identify these gifts. Some gifts I identified as mine were very obvious to me. There were a couple that surprised me, and one that brought tears to my eyes. The tear-invoking gift hit home with me. Some of the expectations and behaviours and beliefs I've had for years were validated. All of a sudden, I understood that who I am has always been there. It was both a freeing and frustrating moment. I am freer because this is who I am. I am frustrated because too much of my life has been spent fighting against this inherent part of me.
- The choices I have made and the consequences of those choices were the lessons I needed. I need to pay attention to the forks that show up on my path. Sometimes taking what seems to be the easiest route is not what I need. I strongly feel I am being directed to something different and I am spending time and energy fighting this with logic and reason. Logic and reason will not take me in the direction where I'm being pulled. I am not often able to let go of this logic and reason, and just trust. I want to take the leap, jump forward, and deal with the fear afterwards.
Restless and wanting. Bits and pieces fall into place in my brain. I'm trying to put it all together before too much more time flies out of the clock.
When I realized that I had this second chance, this do-over, I vowed to myself, to my soul, to my God that I'd not waste time. I want to live a full life. And I do. I now do things I'd never have dreamt of seven years ago. I let more people into my heart. I challenge myself. I learn. I reach out to help. So what then to make of this restlessness?
Three things about this newest bout of restlessness:
- a dear colleague died last week in a tragic accident. Each time I hear of the death of someone I know, I am reminded again that I have been given a second chance. Each time I question if I'm doing all I can, if I'm helping enough, if I'm loving others enough, if I'm doing what I'm here on Earth to do. Each minute feels right but as the minutes stretch to days, weeks, months, I am not so certain that this is "the path". It is, though. I am on the way to where I need to go. I just want to get there faster.
- I recently spent a weekend learning more about myself. I attended a workshop that centred around sacred gifts and how to identify these gifts. Some gifts I identified as mine were very obvious to me. There were a couple that surprised me, and one that brought tears to my eyes. The tear-invoking gift hit home with me. Some of the expectations and behaviours and beliefs I've had for years were validated. All of a sudden, I understood that who I am has always been there. It was both a freeing and frustrating moment. I am freer because this is who I am. I am frustrated because too much of my life has been spent fighting against this inherent part of me.
- The choices I have made and the consequences of those choices were the lessons I needed. I need to pay attention to the forks that show up on my path. Sometimes taking what seems to be the easiest route is not what I need. I strongly feel I am being directed to something different and I am spending time and energy fighting this with logic and reason. Logic and reason will not take me in the direction where I'm being pulled. I am not often able to let go of this logic and reason, and just trust. I want to take the leap, jump forward, and deal with the fear afterwards.
Restless and wanting. Bits and pieces fall into place in my brain. I'm trying to put it all together before too much more time flies out of the clock.
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