Crisis of Confidence

Hello. It's been awhile since we've met here. I'll take responsibility for that - it is hard for you to come for a visit and find no one home. I am here now, and so are you. I'm glad I came back, and I'm glad you're back too.

After a few months hiatus, it is time again for me to write. My last post started with my annual winter blues struggle. Since that time, I have done many concrete things (and also written two books, a novel, and at least a daily blog - all in my head. The words didn't find their way to paper.) I have suffered a crisis of confidence in a number of areas, with writing being one of them. I let myself stall, grinding gears, complaining about my life not running smoothly. In my previous life, my centre was crisis-oriented living. If things weren't bad they were nothing at all. With years of hard work, I was able to change my thinking patterns. My meet and greet with cancer was a huge catalyst that made me grow in ways I didn't think possible. Somehow I let all the lessons slip away. With the support of very dear friends and family that I can trust completely with my frustrations and fears, I came back home to me. Most of those around me didn't know of this struggle, but those who did, stuck with me.

Three things that contributed to my crisis of confidence:

- I became too busy. Busy at work. Busy at home. Busy with volunteering. Busy with social gatherings. I overbooked my brain. I wasn't able to be as effective as I can be, because I was so busy with it all. It's funny though; with each obligation (self-imposed or external) I have the desire and the passion - often too much passion!! - to take it head on, no holds barred, I CAN DO THIS!  I didn't leave myself enough time to DO before scrambling off to the next thing.

- I allowed the negative and poison people I interact with to affect me. Instead of shielding myself from their anger or deceit or gloom, I followed along and played their games. I didn't walk away.  I allowed them to affect me in a negative way. I prefer that my actions affect them in a positive way. Sometimes, we are put in a situation where we need to interact with these types of people. My choice the past few years has been to walk away. I forgot to do that for a few months. Masters of manipulation are so intelligent it's scary.

- I began to look for external validation. As the busy-ness and negativity took greater hold of me, I lost sight of knowing in my core self that I have worth, that I am strong, that I know me best, that life is offering me a second chance, that my spirit is connected. When the external validation didn't come often enough or in words or actions I wanted to accept, my self began to get lost. I was like a scared and wounded child. I felt rejected over and over and over again.

This sounds all very dismal, doesn't it? It hasn't been, really. I just needed to relearn Life Lessons #458, #932, and #1067 and I needed to relearn them at the same time. It's kind of like cramming for finals. I know that I KNOW the material but I let the exam-nerves take over and I did horribly on the test. But.......I can leave this study hall knowing that no one can take the lessons away from me. I have recalled and relearned them, confident in self and spirit once again.