Space, the Final Frontier

The Kid and I moved things from one storage facility to another last week. The new one is just a tad bigger (we think) and a whole lot cheaper. It is a continuing struggle for us to get our home in order. It seems kind of crazy; she has been home from her Half Way Around The World move for over a year, and yet we can't quite get our home how we want. We don't have enough space, really, for two grown women with different tastes. We are managing though, but neither of us is completely satisfied. There are things about our space that drive me nuts and things that drive her nuts. They are not the same thing. We work at making compromises and trying to give each other space. Some days we are more successful than others.

Three things about the space we try to share:

- The physical space is for me the most trying. We each have special treasures we want out for all the world to see. All the world is much smaller for both of us right now, as we seldom have people to our home. We are waiting for that magic day when we feel the space is presentable enough. It almost is. We don't look as much like hoarders now. Our look in now more the-ladies-who-don't-put-stuff-away. We do. We do put stuff away. All that is left out has no place to go. We try to sort and organize and give away. Our values may match but our decorating styles and our need for items that bring us comfort do not.

- We work at giving each other enough space in the "Give me some space" way. We are often physically crowded in this 900 square foot condo. That makes it easy to encroach on each others' lives. I love and hate this part. It has made us very close. It has made us friends. It has created a firm and unbreakable bond.. What I hate is we each expect a sharing of lives and lifestyles and advice-giving and needing to know the details that the other can not, will not, should not share. Neither of us is very good at recognizing the boundaries during times of stress.

- Our changing moods, as two women who live together, creates some difficult moments and difficult days. We are usually open and sensitive about the others "head space". The times and days we each think our own needs, feelings, mood is more important are our really rough days. Really, both are equally important. I some home crabby and tired and stressed and in a bad head space. She comes home happy, at peace, bubbling, energetic and in a good head space. I only want to vent and want empathy. She only wants to share her joy and excitement. This good-mood/bad-mood changes often. The days when we both are crabby and want venting and empathy - oh, those can be scary days. We work it through.

We are continually learning from each other, The Kid and I. We don't often recognize it as such. As it is with life and other relationships, the learning, the message, the growth is shown to us in retrospect. Space - physical, mental, emotional, spiritual - is what binds each of us to another, to our life spirit, to peace, to joy. Space is truly the final frontier.

Soul Food. Soul Music. Merry Old Soul.

Laughter. Nature. Music. Play. Helping Others. These are just a few ways I feed my soul. I believe they are universal soul-feeders.

Three things about feeding my soul:

- I first had to decide, admit, believe I had a soul. To do that I had to believe there is something greater than myself. I spent much of my life fighting this. It seemed far easier to not believe. By not believing, I didn't have to take responsibility for any of the crappy things in my life. I could blame others, blame situations, live life unhappy and miserable while knowing that that is how life is: unfair. Some people were lucky and I wasn't. Mostly though, I spent energy and wasted time blaming myself. If only I was smarter, richer, prettier, funnier, healthier; if only I was someone and something else, the luck would come my way and I could have it all. Work harder. Try harder. Give up. Wish. Dream. Work. Try. Resent. Try. Give up. Very rarely did I act. Never did I rely on faith - faith in myself, in someone else, in God.

-  Once I quit trying to define soul I found it. There is it was: guiding me, creating me, finding me, becoming me. Soul is undefinable. Soul is your own definition. Soul is intangible. Soul is universal. My pursuit of my own soul and how to nurture it, water it, feed it, allow it to be unfolded gradually. Most of the time I wasn't even aware it was being revealed. Only in looking back do I see how it came to be and grew. Only in looking back have I realized it was always there.

- Once I admitted I had a soul and once I quit trying to define, all these wondrous paths opened up that feed my soul, create my peace, bring me purpose. I have to pay attention to my soul, and remember to do those things, find those people, take the time to be still, make those opportunities to feed my soul. When I feed my soul, I am at peace, I am complete, I am in joy.

I wish I could be in a state of continual soul-feeding. I don't believe we are built that way. I believe we have to struggle in order to release. With each struggle, each release, the spark grows stronger. I can more easily feed my soul and I find more and more ways to feed my soul. Why did it take me so long? No matter. I am here now and I know some tools, some ways, some "tricks" to feed my soul. They are there for all of us to use whenever we can, whenever we need. Reach out. It will come.

Who Am I?

I stare at the pictures on my computer screen and search for myself in their faces. My great-grandmother, my grandmother, my mother. Karen to Emma to Edna to Kelly. I see some resemblances. Who were they, these women that came before me?  What made them laugh? Made them cry? What fed their souls? I look for me in my daughter. Five generations of women stare back at me from the screen. Who am I?

I begin each meditation with some simple questions. One of them is "Who am I?" I throw the question out there for God (the universe, the spirit, the force, etcetera) to answer. Whisper the answer quietly to me. Let me know, please. Let me be certain of who I am.

Three things about my search for my Self:

- I am a mother, a sister, an aunt, a friend, a daughter, a confidant, a family historian, a loyal employee. I've been a wife, a lover. I am my life roles.

- I am a project manager, a Toastmaster, a sometimes Improv player, a sometimes Tai Chi participant, a writer. I've been a waitress, a Dietary Technologist, a restaurant cook, a restaurant manager, a basketball and baseball player, a student. I am my life activities.

- I am loving, compassionate, witty, intelligent, kind, impatient, quick to judge, confusing and confused, shy, introverted, passionate. I've been angry, rejected and rejecting, fighting, running.  I am my life qualities.

I am all of these. I am my fore-mothers. I am part of nature, part of soul, part of God. I am learning, growing, finding, searching, reaching, striving always to BE. I am you.

Restless Soul Syndrome

"Time flies out of the clock". Wise words spoken by my six year old great-nephew. And it does. It just flies out of the clock and I'm left wondering why I haven't gotten to all the things on my to-do list.  I'm restless these days, as well. I am struggling to just be. The restlessness comes from deep within; a desire a wanting, a yearning....for what? I'm not sure. I want something else, I want something more. Today I have no idea what that something else is, what that something more is. Time. Growth. Peace. Love. People. All of the above and none of the above.

When I realized that I had this second chance, this do-over, I vowed to myself, to my soul, to my God that I'd not waste time. I want to live a full life. And I do. I now do things I'd never have dreamt of seven years ago. I let more people into my heart. I challenge myself. I learn. I reach out to help. So what then to make of this restlessness?

Three things about this newest bout of restlessness:

- a dear colleague died last week in a tragic accident. Each time I hear of the death of someone I know, I am reminded again that I have been given a second chance. Each time I question if I'm doing all I can, if I'm helping enough, if I'm loving others enough, if I'm doing what I'm here on Earth to do. Each minute feels right but as the minutes stretch to days, weeks, months, I am not so certain that this is "the path". It is, though. I am on the way to where I need to go. I just want to get there faster.

- I recently spent a weekend learning more about myself. I attended a workshop that centred around sacred gifts and how to identify these gifts. Some gifts I identified as mine were very obvious to me. There were a couple that surprised me, and one that brought tears to my eyes. The tear-invoking gift hit home with me. Some of the expectations and behaviours and beliefs I've had for years were validated. All of a sudden, I understood that who I am has always been there. It was both a freeing and frustrating moment. I am freer because this is who I am. I am frustrated because too much of my life has been spent fighting against this inherent part of me.

- The choices I have made and the consequences of those choices were the lessons I needed. I need to pay attention to the forks that show up on my path. Sometimes taking what seems to be the easiest route is not what I need. I strongly feel I am being directed to something different and I am spending time and energy fighting this with logic and reason. Logic and reason will not take me in the direction where I'm being pulled. I am not often able to let go of this logic and reason, and just trust. I want to take the leap, jump forward, and deal with the fear afterwards.

Restless and wanting. Bits and pieces fall into place in my brain. I'm trying to put it all together before too much more time flies out of the clock.

Lessons and Acceptance

Yesterday I read a book called "An Invisible Thread" by Laura Schroff and Alex Tresniowski. It is the true story of an unlikely friendship between a street kid and a New York City advertising executive. The story touched me deeply and reinforced my belief that I am meant to learn from everyone I meet. Each encounter and each situation in my life is there for me to learn from, grow from. The trick is to make sense of it all, to sort it out for myself how and why the persons and the situations are there for me. There is also a fine balance between over-analyzing and acceptance. Acceptance is a concept I've come to believe in with all my heart and soul, as well. At first thought, these two concepts are opposing forces in my mind. I believe I need both beliefs and I can reason things out to have them work together.

And what of the people who damage and hurt me and others? How can I learn from them? How can I accept them? What of the extreme natural and man-made disasters that destroy our world and our people? The floods, the hurricanes, the tsunamis, the murderers, the abusers? How do I make sense of that? How do I fit that into my two primary beliefs? Some days I can't, I don't, I won't. The bottom line for me is working the Serenity Prayer and gratitude into balancing the horrors that go on. Oh, it all sounds so simple, words on paper, to make life flow easily, to find balance and to find joy. It is the hardest way to live, I think. I've lived in oblivion, I've lived in anger, I've lived in denial. That way of living caused me great angst and depression but it was easy compared to acceptance and finding meaning in each situation, in each person.This is a struggle and many days I don't do it well or don't do it at all. Often though, days or weeks or months or years later, there is a glimmer of meaning. I am responsible for finding the lessons behind the people and situations that are placed in my life.

Three things that I know about acceptance and lessons:

- Recently I was a silent witness, a by-stander, to a bullying incident. I kept quiet for what I rationalize as my own self-preservation. I don't know if I did the right thing. I don't know if this was "meant to happen". I don't know what will come to be in the life of the bullies or the victim. I do know I'm ashamed of my actions (or lack of actions). I do know that I would very likely react emotionally and not respond if this same situation is placed in front of me again. This one will be with me for a long time. I've accepted the part of me that could not speak up. I don't know the lesson for me yet in this. From my outside perch, I can see that the victim's life has been changed. I throw my own shame to the wind and pray the lesson is there for perpetrators and for the victim, and that somehow lives become better.

- My Mom taught me through her actions that everyone has worth, that everyone has some good, that treating people with respect and dignity is the highest level of service people can offer. I try to practice this. I try to practice this with whole-hearted belief that everyone has some grain of good. Only in looking back can I make sense of those who have hurt me, hurt my people, destroy the lives of others. Only in looking forward can I see the value and love of those who support me, give to my people, add joy to the lives of others. I have walked away from people who are damaging. In walking away, I can tap into my Mom and find the goodness.  I continue to walk toward to people who are loving and joyful. In walking toward,I can tap into my Mom and find the goodness.

- I'll continue to wrestle with these elusive concepts, forever and a day. Some days it will work for me, lift me to a place where all is right with the world. Other days it will cause me grief, anger, and depression.

I look at the people and situations in my life, both past and present. I find lessons from each. I accept what I can from people and events. I struggle. I rejoice. I work at it. I ignore it. My hope is that I learn and teach, touch and be touched. It is my responsibility to make sense of it all for my own self to grow.

Your Friday Night Sing-Along Song

Most weeks, I post a link on my facebook page to a song on Youtube. The Friday night sing-along song. Sometimes I pick a random song but more often it has meaning for me: for that day, that week, or a "dedication" of sorts to one of my people. I have also done this to work through my grief when some of my people have died. Sharing my emotions through someone else's music is therapy. Yesterday there was a post from Brother Three about the worst song ever. There were facebook discussions and some hilarious comments about what is/could be the worst song ever. Music is therapy. Music causes us to celebrate, to move physically, to move emotionally, to feel.

Three things about my relationship to music:

- I can't sing. Really. I DO sing but can not carry a tune. I joke that I am a graduate of the Tone Deaf Music School. I don't even know what tone deaf really means. I love singing along and will continue to do it the company of those who will not mock me, who will sing along with me, or alone in my car or house. Singing frees me. Belting out a favourite (or a not-favourite) song puts me in a place of an uninhibited child, filled with joy, who loves music and singing. Watch children listening to music. They just naturally move and sing. The Kid will sing along with me. The Kid and I have a few "play it again, Sam" songs & albums that accompany us on our too-infrequent road trips. And we sing. She lets me sing. She encourages me to sing. Some of our best memories are singing along together. When she was little, I told her I wrote most of the songs on the radio. Too bad for me she was too intelligent to buy into that. Sing along next time you hear a song you love. Be that child enjoying the music and sing along just for the sheer joy of doing so.

- There is an apt and perfect lyric for every situation. Often I will pepper a conversation or have a quick comeback that is a lyric. Sometimes I will sing the lyric, but due to the can't-sing noted above, I usually just quote the lyric. Try this. You will find a good lyric for every situation. It will cheer you, centre you, focus you, bring your emotions out and public about any situation. This is a good thing. It taps into your true and authentic self. And it is often crack-me-up hilarious. Music and laughter: what better way to get through life than using those tools to make it better?

- I carry songs in my head all the time. (Ear worm is the term for the song that gets stuck in your head. The best way to get an ear worm out is to listen to the song. Another method, not quite as effective, is singing the ear worm). I get ear worms, but I'm talking about carrying songs with me that inspire me. Theme songs, if you will. They change often but they are one of my most effective ways to get through any obstacle. I have different theme songs I carry for different situations. I use my theme songs for not just obstacles, but also for joy and celebration. While at the Chopra centre last fall, part of their Seduction of Spirit session was Song of the Day. Right up my alley. Find a song or two or a dozen to carry with you. It will open you up to dealing with anything and celebrating anything.

I have the radio on right now, set to an "oldies" station. It is more than background noise in my quiet house, It is me connecting with my inner self; it is a memory-jogger; it is an inspiration. Put more music into your life. Music will make you cry, laugh, celebrate, dance, bring you joy, feed your soul. We are wired for music. Sing along!

Who Will You Touch?

And the winter of my discontent continues. The snow is falling again this week and hasn't stopped today. I've fluctuated with the weather - choosing to be crabby and miserable and feeling stuck on the cold days, the gray days, the snowy days. On the sunny warmer days, I was ready to move forward, take on the world, and participate in life. This week wasn't good, weather-wise or Kelly-wise. This was coupled with mental self-abuse and piling guilt on myself for not feeling better, doing better. This week was a struggle to participate in my own life.

 In moving about in my day of "What do I have to do today?" thoughts,  I knew one pressing thing was to prepare for a speech I'm giving on Wednesday. My project is "Speaking in Praise". I'd decided a few days ago I'd speak about my Mon in honour of her 100th birthday. It was easier than I thought to jot down an outline and an acceptable opening and conclusion. I fleshed it out with some anecdotes and examples of three of her (many) qualities that live with me. I practiced and timed the speech a couple times. I did it again. I said the words out loud in my empty house, with The Cat eyeing my suspiciously. The words I wrote and spoke started to sink into my mind, my heart, my soul. Those qualities I admire so much in my Mom are some of my best qualities. It reminded me that I only need to open my eyes a little tiny bit and I can see those who inspire me, who I admire, who I most want to emulate. We all need that.

Choose those people. Find one quality in everyone you interact with to admire. Find one or two traits in others that make them who they are, someone special. Look at yourself; you have those same inherent qualities in you. Find them, recognize them, celebrate them, let them out to grow.

Three things I thank my Mom for:

- A sense of humour to get through the gray days and dark times. Mom could laugh and observe the silly at the most trying times in her life. Some of my most uplifting moments this winter involved laughter and appreciation for the silly people in my life.

- Never giving up. As much as I have wanted and almost forced myself to be gray and miserable this winter, I could not give up. "This too shall pass". One of Mom's best pieces of advice. The winter will pass and my indecision and confusion will pass. It always does.

- Acceptance of everyone. This one is really tough, but Mom believed and lived that each person has some good to offer the world. In my crabbiness and judgement of myself and others, I get glimpses of their good, of my good. It's there.

Mom helped me gain perspective again today. The snow keeps falling and my drive to work tomorrow will likely be filled with anxiety about the roads. My winter coat will need to be worn for at least a few more days. I will continue to struggle with what I want, what I need, where I'm going. She, and others who have taught me and continue to teach me, will be with me: smiling, not letting me give up, and accepting me. I will participate in my life and get through the rest of the never-ending winter and emerge a better person from the winter of my discontent.