Becoming Me, Again

I turned fifty-seven a few weeks ago. Another year gone. Another birthday. The days marked off a calendar don't usually bother me, and this day didn't, either. But now, a few weeks later, 57 seems different, seems old, seems strange. I don't know why and I don't know that I want to examine why. I over-analyze. Some of you know that. Some of you gently tease me about that. I gently tease me about that. My own analysis keeps me moving. Sometimes the analysis gets to be too much. Too much figuring out and not enough just accepting, just living.

I've had some struggling in my days, in my life, in my soul for a few months. I haven't written a word here, in my documenting of my spiritual journey, in my family history stories.  Writing has always been there for me to release, to grow, to analyze, to feed my soul. I have had no desire to write. The words were and are always there, spinning in my brain, waiting for me to show up and let them out. The words were there; I wasn't. I haven't been participating in my own life. "Going through the motions". I've been keeping enough of the mask on that my daily life appeared the same. We all have spots where life and growth slows down (or so we think). It doesn't really; it just shows up in a different way.

For years I felt lost inside myself. A few years ago, I started to emerge. Lately I've crawled back into that self, although in a different way. The previous lost-in-myself years were filled with confusion and agony and trying to just become. This current crawling in was like a rest, a break. I let it go on too long. And today, I slowly poke my head out and begin to emerge again. I know I am fighting something but I don't know what; I don't want to know what. Not yet. All I know for sure is this emerging involves change; change I need and change I want. But still, change I'm not quite ready to face yet. It will happen; I may poke my head out and pull back in a few more times before I am ready. In the meantime, I need to practice patience and acceptance of my own self.

I have no three things today. Today I have me. I am here, with my head shyly looking out of my self-imposed hole. Today I understand in my core that there is change coming. Today I know in my soul I can not stop or fight this change. Today I know the change will evolve into good, into the next stairwell of my journey. Today I took my mask off in front of myself. Today I wrote a few words. Today, I am.