I stare at the pictures on my computer screen and search for myself in their faces. My great-grandmother, my grandmother, my mother. Karen to Emma to Edna to Kelly. I see some resemblances. Who were they, these women that came before me? What made them laugh? Made them cry? What fed their souls? I look for me in my daughter. Five generations of women stare back at me from the screen. Who am I?
I begin each meditation with some simple questions. One of them is "Who am I?" I throw the question out there for God (the universe, the spirit, the force, etcetera) to answer. Whisper the answer quietly to me. Let me know, please. Let me be certain of who I am.
Three things about my search for my Self:
- I am a mother, a sister, an aunt, a friend, a daughter, a confidant, a family historian, a loyal employee. I've been a wife, a lover. I am my life roles.
- I am a project manager, a Toastmaster, a sometimes Improv player, a sometimes Tai Chi participant, a writer. I've been a waitress, a Dietary Technologist, a restaurant cook, a restaurant manager, a basketball and baseball player, a student. I am my life activities.
- I am loving, compassionate, witty, intelligent, kind, impatient, quick to judge, confusing and confused, shy, introverted, passionate. I've been angry, rejected and rejecting, fighting, running. I am my life qualities.
I am all of these. I am my fore-mothers. I am part of nature, part of soul, part of God. I am learning, growing, finding, searching, reaching, striving always to BE. I am you.
Sunday, July 27, 2014
Tuesday, July 1, 2014
Restless Soul Syndrome
"Time flies out of the clock". Wise words spoken by my six year old great-nephew. And it does. It just flies out of the clock and I'm left wondering why I haven't gotten to all the things on my to-do list. I'm restless these days, as well. I am struggling to just be. The restlessness comes from deep within; a desire a wanting, a yearning....for what? I'm not sure. I want something else, I want something more. Today I have no idea what that something else is, what that something more is. Time. Growth. Peace. Love. People. All of the above and none of the above.
When I realized that I had this second chance, this do-over, I vowed to myself, to my soul, to my God that I'd not waste time. I want to live a full life. And I do. I now do things I'd never have dreamt of seven years ago. I let more people into my heart. I challenge myself. I learn. I reach out to help. So what then to make of this restlessness?
Three things about this newest bout of restlessness:
- a dear colleague died last week in a tragic accident. Each time I hear of the death of someone I know, I am reminded again that I have been given a second chance. Each time I question if I'm doing all I can, if I'm helping enough, if I'm loving others enough, if I'm doing what I'm here on Earth to do. Each minute feels right but as the minutes stretch to days, weeks, months, I am not so certain that this is "the path". It is, though. I am on the way to where I need to go. I just want to get there faster.
- I recently spent a weekend learning more about myself. I attended a workshop that centred around sacred gifts and how to identify these gifts. Some gifts I identified as mine were very obvious to me. There were a couple that surprised me, and one that brought tears to my eyes. The tear-invoking gift hit home with me. Some of the expectations and behaviours and beliefs I've had for years were validated. All of a sudden, I understood that who I am has always been there. It was both a freeing and frustrating moment. I am freer because this is who I am. I am frustrated because too much of my life has been spent fighting against this inherent part of me.
- The choices I have made and the consequences of those choices were the lessons I needed. I need to pay attention to the forks that show up on my path. Sometimes taking what seems to be the easiest route is not what I need. I strongly feel I am being directed to something different and I am spending time and energy fighting this with logic and reason. Logic and reason will not take me in the direction where I'm being pulled. I am not often able to let go of this logic and reason, and just trust. I want to take the leap, jump forward, and deal with the fear afterwards.
Restless and wanting. Bits and pieces fall into place in my brain. I'm trying to put it all together before too much more time flies out of the clock.
When I realized that I had this second chance, this do-over, I vowed to myself, to my soul, to my God that I'd not waste time. I want to live a full life. And I do. I now do things I'd never have dreamt of seven years ago. I let more people into my heart. I challenge myself. I learn. I reach out to help. So what then to make of this restlessness?
Three things about this newest bout of restlessness:
- a dear colleague died last week in a tragic accident. Each time I hear of the death of someone I know, I am reminded again that I have been given a second chance. Each time I question if I'm doing all I can, if I'm helping enough, if I'm loving others enough, if I'm doing what I'm here on Earth to do. Each minute feels right but as the minutes stretch to days, weeks, months, I am not so certain that this is "the path". It is, though. I am on the way to where I need to go. I just want to get there faster.
- I recently spent a weekend learning more about myself. I attended a workshop that centred around sacred gifts and how to identify these gifts. Some gifts I identified as mine were very obvious to me. There were a couple that surprised me, and one that brought tears to my eyes. The tear-invoking gift hit home with me. Some of the expectations and behaviours and beliefs I've had for years were validated. All of a sudden, I understood that who I am has always been there. It was both a freeing and frustrating moment. I am freer because this is who I am. I am frustrated because too much of my life has been spent fighting against this inherent part of me.
- The choices I have made and the consequences of those choices were the lessons I needed. I need to pay attention to the forks that show up on my path. Sometimes taking what seems to be the easiest route is not what I need. I strongly feel I am being directed to something different and I am spending time and energy fighting this with logic and reason. Logic and reason will not take me in the direction where I'm being pulled. I am not often able to let go of this logic and reason, and just trust. I want to take the leap, jump forward, and deal with the fear afterwards.
Restless and wanting. Bits and pieces fall into place in my brain. I'm trying to put it all together before too much more time flies out of the clock.
Sunday, April 20, 2014
Lessons and Acceptance
Yesterday I read a book called "An Invisible Thread" by Laura Schroff and Alex Tresniowski. It is the true story of an unlikely friendship between a street kid and a New York City advertising executive. The story touched me deeply and reinforced my belief that I am meant to learn from everyone I meet. Each encounter and each situation in my life is there for me to learn from, grow from. The trick is to make sense of it all, to sort it out for myself how and why the persons and the situations are there for me. There is also a fine balance between over-analyzing and acceptance. Acceptance is a concept I've come to believe in with all my heart and soul, as well. At first thought, these two concepts are opposing forces in my mind. I believe I need both beliefs and I can reason things out to have them work together.
And what of the people who damage and hurt me and others? How can I learn from them? How can I accept them? What of the extreme natural and man-made disasters that destroy our world and our people? The floods, the hurricanes, the tsunamis, the murderers, the abusers? How do I make sense of that? How do I fit that into my two primary beliefs? Some days I can't, I don't, I won't. The bottom line for me is working the Serenity Prayer and gratitude into balancing the horrors that go on. Oh, it all sounds so simple, words on paper, to make life flow easily, to find balance and to find joy. It is the hardest way to live, I think. I've lived in oblivion, I've lived in anger, I've lived in denial. That way of living caused me great angst and depression but it was easy compared to acceptance and finding meaning in each situation, in each person.This is a struggle and many days I don't do it well or don't do it at all. Often though, days or weeks or months or years later, there is a glimmer of meaning. I am responsible for finding the lessons behind the people and situations that are placed in my life.
Three things that I know about acceptance and lessons:
- Recently I was a silent witness, a by-stander, to a bullying incident. I kept quiet for what I rationalize as my own self-preservation. I don't know if I did the right thing. I don't know if this was "meant to happen". I don't know what will come to be in the life of the bullies or the victim. I do know I'm ashamed of my actions (or lack of actions). I do know that I would very likely react emotionally and not respond if this same situation is placed in front of me again. This one will be with me for a long time. I've accepted the part of me that could not speak up. I don't know the lesson for me yet in this. From my outside perch, I can see that the victim's life has been changed. I throw my own shame to the wind and pray the lesson is there for perpetrators and for the victim, and that somehow lives become better.
- My Mom taught me through her actions that everyone has worth, that everyone has some good, that treating people with respect and dignity is the highest level of service people can offer. I try to practice this. I try to practice this with whole-hearted belief that everyone has some grain of good. Only in looking back can I make sense of those who have hurt me, hurt my people, destroy the lives of others. Only in looking forward can I see the value and love of those who support me, give to my people, add joy to the lives of others. I have walked away from people who are damaging. In walking away, I can tap into my Mom and find the goodness. I continue to walk toward to people who are loving and joyful. In walking toward,I can tap into my Mom and find the goodness.
- I'll continue to wrestle with these elusive concepts, forever and a day. Some days it will work for me, lift me to a place where all is right with the world. Other days it will cause me grief, anger, and depression.
I look at the people and situations in my life, both past and present. I find lessons from each. I accept what I can from people and events. I struggle. I rejoice. I work at it. I ignore it. My hope is that I learn and teach, touch and be touched. It is my responsibility to make sense of it all for my own self to grow.
And what of the people who damage and hurt me and others? How can I learn from them? How can I accept them? What of the extreme natural and man-made disasters that destroy our world and our people? The floods, the hurricanes, the tsunamis, the murderers, the abusers? How do I make sense of that? How do I fit that into my two primary beliefs? Some days I can't, I don't, I won't. The bottom line for me is working the Serenity Prayer and gratitude into balancing the horrors that go on. Oh, it all sounds so simple, words on paper, to make life flow easily, to find balance and to find joy. It is the hardest way to live, I think. I've lived in oblivion, I've lived in anger, I've lived in denial. That way of living caused me great angst and depression but it was easy compared to acceptance and finding meaning in each situation, in each person.This is a struggle and many days I don't do it well or don't do it at all. Often though, days or weeks or months or years later, there is a glimmer of meaning. I am responsible for finding the lessons behind the people and situations that are placed in my life.
Three things that I know about acceptance and lessons:
- Recently I was a silent witness, a by-stander, to a bullying incident. I kept quiet for what I rationalize as my own self-preservation. I don't know if I did the right thing. I don't know if this was "meant to happen". I don't know what will come to be in the life of the bullies or the victim. I do know I'm ashamed of my actions (or lack of actions). I do know that I would very likely react emotionally and not respond if this same situation is placed in front of me again. This one will be with me for a long time. I've accepted the part of me that could not speak up. I don't know the lesson for me yet in this. From my outside perch, I can see that the victim's life has been changed. I throw my own shame to the wind and pray the lesson is there for perpetrators and for the victim, and that somehow lives become better.
- My Mom taught me through her actions that everyone has worth, that everyone has some good, that treating people with respect and dignity is the highest level of service people can offer. I try to practice this. I try to practice this with whole-hearted belief that everyone has some grain of good. Only in looking back can I make sense of those who have hurt me, hurt my people, destroy the lives of others. Only in looking forward can I see the value and love of those who support me, give to my people, add joy to the lives of others. I have walked away from people who are damaging. In walking away, I can tap into my Mom and find the goodness. I continue to walk toward to people who are loving and joyful. In walking toward,I can tap into my Mom and find the goodness.
- I'll continue to wrestle with these elusive concepts, forever and a day. Some days it will work for me, lift me to a place where all is right with the world. Other days it will cause me grief, anger, and depression.
I look at the people and situations in my life, both past and present. I find lessons from each. I accept what I can from people and events. I struggle. I rejoice. I work at it. I ignore it. My hope is that I learn and teach, touch and be touched. It is my responsibility to make sense of it all for my own self to grow.
Saturday, April 12, 2014
Your Friday Night Sing-Along Song
Most weeks, I post a link on my facebook page to a song on Youtube. The Friday night sing-along song. Sometimes I pick a random song but more often it has meaning for me: for that day, that week, or a "dedication" of sorts to one of my people. I have also done this to work through my grief when some of my people have died. Sharing my emotions through someone else's music is therapy. Yesterday there was a post from Brother Three about the worst song ever. There were facebook discussions and some hilarious comments about what is/could be the worst song ever. Music is therapy. Music causes us to celebrate, to move physically, to move emotionally, to feel.
Three things about my relationship to music:
- I can't sing. Really. I DO sing but can not carry a tune. I joke that I am a graduate of the Tone Deaf Music School. I don't even know what tone deaf really means. I love singing along and will continue to do it the company of those who will not mock me, who will sing along with me, or alone in my car or house. Singing frees me. Belting out a favourite (or a not-favourite) song puts me in a place of an uninhibited child, filled with joy, who loves music and singing. Watch children listening to music. They just naturally move and sing. The Kid will sing along with me. The Kid and I have a few "play it again, Sam" songs & albums that accompany us on our too-infrequent road trips. And we sing. She lets me sing. She encourages me to sing. Some of our best memories are singing along together. When she was little, I told her I wrote most of the songs on the radio. Too bad for me she was too intelligent to buy into that. Sing along next time you hear a song you love. Be that child enjoying the music and sing along just for the sheer joy of doing so.
- There is an apt and perfect lyric for every situation. Often I will pepper a conversation or have a quick comeback that is a lyric. Sometimes I will sing the lyric, but due to the can't-sing noted above, I usually just quote the lyric. Try this. You will find a good lyric for every situation. It will cheer you, centre you, focus you, bring your emotions out and public about any situation. This is a good thing. It taps into your true and authentic self. And it is often crack-me-up hilarious. Music and laughter: what better way to get through life than using those tools to make it better?
- I carry songs in my head all the time. (Ear worm is the term for the song that gets stuck in your head. The best way to get an ear worm out is to listen to the song. Another method, not quite as effective, is singing the ear worm). I get ear worms, but I'm talking about carrying songs with me that inspire me. Theme songs, if you will. They change often but they are one of my most effective ways to get through any obstacle. I have different theme songs I carry for different situations. I use my theme songs for not just obstacles, but also for joy and celebration. While at the Chopra centre last fall, part of their Seduction of Spirit session was Song of the Day. Right up my alley. Find a song or two or a dozen to carry with you. It will open you up to dealing with anything and celebrating anything.
I have the radio on right now, set to an "oldies" station. It is more than background noise in my quiet house, It is me connecting with my inner self; it is a memory-jogger; it is an inspiration. Put more music into your life. Music will make you cry, laugh, celebrate, dance, bring you joy, feed your soul. We are wired for music. Sing along!
Three things about my relationship to music:
- I can't sing. Really. I DO sing but can not carry a tune. I joke that I am a graduate of the Tone Deaf Music School. I don't even know what tone deaf really means. I love singing along and will continue to do it the company of those who will not mock me, who will sing along with me, or alone in my car or house. Singing frees me. Belting out a favourite (or a not-favourite) song puts me in a place of an uninhibited child, filled with joy, who loves music and singing. Watch children listening to music. They just naturally move and sing. The Kid will sing along with me. The Kid and I have a few "play it again, Sam" songs & albums that accompany us on our too-infrequent road trips. And we sing. She lets me sing. She encourages me to sing. Some of our best memories are singing along together. When she was little, I told her I wrote most of the songs on the radio. Too bad for me she was too intelligent to buy into that. Sing along next time you hear a song you love. Be that child enjoying the music and sing along just for the sheer joy of doing so.
- There is an apt and perfect lyric for every situation. Often I will pepper a conversation or have a quick comeback that is a lyric. Sometimes I will sing the lyric, but due to the can't-sing noted above, I usually just quote the lyric. Try this. You will find a good lyric for every situation. It will cheer you, centre you, focus you, bring your emotions out and public about any situation. This is a good thing. It taps into your true and authentic self. And it is often crack-me-up hilarious. Music and laughter: what better way to get through life than using those tools to make it better?
- I carry songs in my head all the time. (Ear worm is the term for the song that gets stuck in your head. The best way to get an ear worm out is to listen to the song. Another method, not quite as effective, is singing the ear worm). I get ear worms, but I'm talking about carrying songs with me that inspire me. Theme songs, if you will. They change often but they are one of my most effective ways to get through any obstacle. I have different theme songs I carry for different situations. I use my theme songs for not just obstacles, but also for joy and celebration. While at the Chopra centre last fall, part of their Seduction of Spirit session was Song of the Day. Right up my alley. Find a song or two or a dozen to carry with you. It will open you up to dealing with anything and celebrating anything.
I have the radio on right now, set to an "oldies" station. It is more than background noise in my quiet house, It is me connecting with my inner self; it is a memory-jogger; it is an inspiration. Put more music into your life. Music will make you cry, laugh, celebrate, dance, bring you joy, feed your soul. We are wired for music. Sing along!
Sunday, March 30, 2014
Who Will You Touch?
And the winter of my discontent continues. The snow is falling again this week and hasn't stopped today. I've fluctuated with the weather - choosing to be crabby and miserable and feeling stuck on the cold days, the gray days, the snowy days. On the sunny warmer days, I was ready to move forward, take on the world, and participate in life. This week wasn't good, weather-wise or Kelly-wise. This was coupled with mental self-abuse and piling guilt on myself for not feeling better, doing better. This week was a struggle to participate in my own life.
In moving about in my day of "What do I have to do today?" thoughts, I knew one pressing thing was to prepare for a speech I'm giving on Wednesday. My project is "Speaking in Praise". I'd decided a few days ago I'd speak about my Mon in honour of her 100th birthday. It was easier than I thought to jot down an outline and an acceptable opening and conclusion. I fleshed it out with some anecdotes and examples of three of her (many) qualities that live with me. I practiced and timed the speech a couple times. I did it again. I said the words out loud in my empty house, with The Cat eyeing my suspiciously. The words I wrote and spoke started to sink into my mind, my heart, my soul. Those qualities I admire so much in my Mom are some of my best qualities. It reminded me that I only need to open my eyes a little tiny bit and I can see those who inspire me, who I admire, who I most want to emulate. We all need that.
Choose those people. Find one quality in everyone you interact with to admire. Find one or two traits in others that make them who they are, someone special. Look at yourself; you have those same inherent qualities in you. Find them, recognize them, celebrate them, let them out to grow.
Three things I thank my Mom for:
- A sense of humour to get through the gray days and dark times. Mom could laugh and observe the silly at the most trying times in her life. Some of my most uplifting moments this winter involved laughter and appreciation for the silly people in my life.
- Never giving up. As much as I have wanted and almost forced myself to be gray and miserable this winter, I could not give up. "This too shall pass". One of Mom's best pieces of advice. The winter will pass and my indecision and confusion will pass. It always does.
- Acceptance of everyone. This one is really tough, but Mom believed and lived that each person has some good to offer the world. In my crabbiness and judgement of myself and others, I get glimpses of their good, of my good. It's there.
Mom helped me gain perspective again today. The snow keeps falling and my drive to work tomorrow will likely be filled with anxiety about the roads. My winter coat will need to be worn for at least a few more days. I will continue to struggle with what I want, what I need, where I'm going. She, and others who have taught me and continue to teach me, will be with me: smiling, not letting me give up, and accepting me. I will participate in my life and get through the rest of the never-ending winter and emerge a better person from the winter of my discontent.
In moving about in my day of "What do I have to do today?" thoughts, I knew one pressing thing was to prepare for a speech I'm giving on Wednesday. My project is "Speaking in Praise". I'd decided a few days ago I'd speak about my Mon in honour of her 100th birthday. It was easier than I thought to jot down an outline and an acceptable opening and conclusion. I fleshed it out with some anecdotes and examples of three of her (many) qualities that live with me. I practiced and timed the speech a couple times. I did it again. I said the words out loud in my empty house, with The Cat eyeing my suspiciously. The words I wrote and spoke started to sink into my mind, my heart, my soul. Those qualities I admire so much in my Mom are some of my best qualities. It reminded me that I only need to open my eyes a little tiny bit and I can see those who inspire me, who I admire, who I most want to emulate. We all need that.
Choose those people. Find one quality in everyone you interact with to admire. Find one or two traits in others that make them who they are, someone special. Look at yourself; you have those same inherent qualities in you. Find them, recognize them, celebrate them, let them out to grow.
Three things I thank my Mom for:
- A sense of humour to get through the gray days and dark times. Mom could laugh and observe the silly at the most trying times in her life. Some of my most uplifting moments this winter involved laughter and appreciation for the silly people in my life.
- Never giving up. As much as I have wanted and almost forced myself to be gray and miserable this winter, I could not give up. "This too shall pass". One of Mom's best pieces of advice. The winter will pass and my indecision and confusion will pass. It always does.
- Acceptance of everyone. This one is really tough, but Mom believed and lived that each person has some good to offer the world. In my crabbiness and judgement of myself and others, I get glimpses of their good, of my good. It's there.
Mom helped me gain perspective again today. The snow keeps falling and my drive to work tomorrow will likely be filled with anxiety about the roads. My winter coat will need to be worn for at least a few more days. I will continue to struggle with what I want, what I need, where I'm going. She, and others who have taught me and continue to teach me, will be with me: smiling, not letting me give up, and accepting me. I will participate in my life and get through the rest of the never-ending winter and emerge a better person from the winter of my discontent.
Saturday, February 22, 2014
Peace and Purpose
I had the opportunity last fall to spend two weeks in California. It was the first time I'd ever been, and I loved it. The first week two friends and I spent time exploring and enjoying San Diego. The second week these two ladies and I went to a session at the Chopra Centre in Carlsbad called Seduction of Spirit. A week of meditation, yoga, and a vegetarian diet. Meditation boot camp, as the staff referred to it.I haven't written about it, or even talked about it much. It became so much more for me than I had expected. It was a deeply personal time for me and is the most spiritual experience I've had in my life (so far).
One of the areas the week at Chopra and my on-going meditation has opened up for me is staying quiet enough to become aware of why I am here. This has been a challenge for me since my meet-and-greet with cancer. I've been given a chance to have a do-over. I am grateful for that and know I am blessed. That gratitude and knowledge has not made my personal search for being and meaning easier. Perhaps it has made it harder. Before my illness, I just struggled. I grew and changed without awareness and kept beating on doors that would not, could not open. Now my own Self and my connection with others and nature and God (universe, force outside our realm, insert your own word here) is heightened and highlighted for me.
Three things about my struggle for purpose:
- Part of my winter of discontent has been trying to make peace with my Self, my core being.I still don't know why I am here - specifically. I am getting glimpses of what matters, where I make a difference. My belief is we are all here to make a difference, somehow, to someone. How do you do that? How do I do that? These past three months I've crawled into a dark winter hole trying to sort it all out for myself. That sounds selfish, I think, but until I can make peace with myself I can not give to others. This is part of me and why I am here, why my life has been what it has, why cancer woke me up rather than taking my life.
- Part of my winter of discontent has been coming to terms with why I am here may not have anything to do with finances and what I need to do to support myself. This scares me. "Do what you love and the money will follow". This may be true. Does it have to be? Can I not fulfill my purpose, tap into my talents, do what I love, feed my soul, and help others without financial compensation playing into it? Maybe. I get glimpses often now of how this is happening for me. I'm sure the moments and glimpses were always there but I was not awake enough to realize it. This struggle plays into and is part of my on-going lament of "not enough time" to do what I want and to do what I love. Doing what we want and what we love ties closely to purpose, I believe. How do I balance that with financial survival?
- Part of the winter of my discontent has been a decision to be and feel miserable. This is old thinking and old behaviour for me. The choices I've made to deliberately hate this winter and focus on the negative aspects of myself, of the weather, of other people, of my circumstances and others circumstances has brought me back to my self and my connection with others and with God (universe, force outside our realm, insert your own word here). This doesn't make sense to me logically or emotionally.
I continued to meditate and pray and participate in life during my winter of discontent (that participation was grudgingly from the sidelines). My purpose and I are finding each other. Glimmers of gold come to me at times when I'm not expecting it. They are there when I'm not searching, not trying to answer the question, not forcing what I think it should be. That brings me peace and comfort. My spirit will grow and connect. Peace and purpose comes.
One of the areas the week at Chopra and my on-going meditation has opened up for me is staying quiet enough to become aware of why I am here. This has been a challenge for me since my meet-and-greet with cancer. I've been given a chance to have a do-over. I am grateful for that and know I am blessed. That gratitude and knowledge has not made my personal search for being and meaning easier. Perhaps it has made it harder. Before my illness, I just struggled. I grew and changed without awareness and kept beating on doors that would not, could not open. Now my own Self and my connection with others and nature and God (universe, force outside our realm, insert your own word here) is heightened and highlighted for me.
Three things about my struggle for purpose:
- Part of my winter of discontent has been trying to make peace with my Self, my core being.I still don't know why I am here - specifically. I am getting glimpses of what matters, where I make a difference. My belief is we are all here to make a difference, somehow, to someone. How do you do that? How do I do that? These past three months I've crawled into a dark winter hole trying to sort it all out for myself. That sounds selfish, I think, but until I can make peace with myself I can not give to others. This is part of me and why I am here, why my life has been what it has, why cancer woke me up rather than taking my life.
- Part of my winter of discontent has been coming to terms with why I am here may not have anything to do with finances and what I need to do to support myself. This scares me. "Do what you love and the money will follow". This may be true. Does it have to be? Can I not fulfill my purpose, tap into my talents, do what I love, feed my soul, and help others without financial compensation playing into it? Maybe. I get glimpses often now of how this is happening for me. I'm sure the moments and glimpses were always there but I was not awake enough to realize it. This struggle plays into and is part of my on-going lament of "not enough time" to do what I want and to do what I love. Doing what we want and what we love ties closely to purpose, I believe. How do I balance that with financial survival?
- Part of the winter of my discontent has been a decision to be and feel miserable. This is old thinking and old behaviour for me. The choices I've made to deliberately hate this winter and focus on the negative aspects of myself, of the weather, of other people, of my circumstances and others circumstances has brought me back to my self and my connection with others and with God (universe, force outside our realm, insert your own word here). This doesn't make sense to me logically or emotionally.
I continued to meditate and pray and participate in life during my winter of discontent (that participation was grudgingly from the sidelines). My purpose and I are finding each other. Glimmers of gold come to me at times when I'm not expecting it. They are there when I'm not searching, not trying to answer the question, not forcing what I think it should be. That brings me peace and comfort. My spirit will grow and connect. Peace and purpose comes.
Sunday, February 2, 2014
A Moment or Two, Please
Within an hour of waking up on this cold and sunny Sunday, I had that "Sunday feeling". I don't know if this happens to you, but it does to me, and has for many Sundays over many years. It's the feeling of let down that the weekend is over and that my every day routine is soon to overtake me. Part of it comes from being brought up with Sunday being a special day, a family day, a big supper day. Part of it is that I just want to do what I want. It gets tough for me Sundays, to fight this feeling off and make the most of my day. As today went on - with no possibility of me being able to slow down time - I went about my Sunday life. I am still struggling this afternoon with the Sunday feeling but rather than fight it and dread the thought of my work-a-day life that is coming back tomorrow (Tomorrow? SO SOON? Tomorrow is only a few hours away!) I have enjoyed some moments of the day. Well, the moments in between thoughts of being back at work and having a structured have-to-do-this and have-to-do-that week.
Three things I'm enjoying this afternoon:
- It is cold here in my corner of the world. I dislike being cold; maybe that is new information about me for you. But it is sunny; bright almost blinding off the snow sunny. And there is warmth from this sun. Warmth on this Groundhog day. It gives me hope and feeds my soul.
- My chores are done. Groceries are bought, laundry is finished, housework is done. The obligations are out of the way, freeing me to do WHATEVER I WANT. A nap sounds good. Reading sounds good. Creating sounds good. Freedom to choose without external or self-imposed responsibilities feeds my soul.
- In the background, I hear the sounds of The Kid as she does some art work. She sounds like me: little grumbles; pieces of dissatisfaction with a part of her work; a sudden exclamation as something fits exactly right. I love that she has found this outlet for herself and that she can lose herself and feed her soul.
The choice of how to view life and chores and responsibilities and work is there, always. Too often lately I've chosen to focus on the grumpier, darker, woe-is-me side. I see this. I have relished the miserableness of late. It makes no sense but it's been some passive-aggressive game I've been playing with my self, my soul, God or the universe or the power (insert your own word). If I am miserable and crabby and complain long enough, if I'm enough of a victim, someone or something will fix it all up for me, make it go away. I will feel magically better, it will always be warm, the sun will always shine, I will have no obligations. Doesn't work. I have to do it. Today I found three small things to make Sunday better. And tomorrow? I'll find the moments, the natural, the people to make Monday better. I gotta keep feeding my soul.
Three things I'm enjoying this afternoon:
- It is cold here in my corner of the world. I dislike being cold; maybe that is new information about me for you. But it is sunny; bright almost blinding off the snow sunny. And there is warmth from this sun. Warmth on this Groundhog day. It gives me hope and feeds my soul.
- My chores are done. Groceries are bought, laundry is finished, housework is done. The obligations are out of the way, freeing me to do WHATEVER I WANT. A nap sounds good. Reading sounds good. Creating sounds good. Freedom to choose without external or self-imposed responsibilities feeds my soul.
- In the background, I hear the sounds of The Kid as she does some art work. She sounds like me: little grumbles; pieces of dissatisfaction with a part of her work; a sudden exclamation as something fits exactly right. I love that she has found this outlet for herself and that she can lose herself and feed her soul.
The choice of how to view life and chores and responsibilities and work is there, always. Too often lately I've chosen to focus on the grumpier, darker, woe-is-me side. I see this. I have relished the miserableness of late. It makes no sense but it's been some passive-aggressive game I've been playing with my self, my soul, God or the universe or the power (insert your own word). If I am miserable and crabby and complain long enough, if I'm enough of a victim, someone or something will fix it all up for me, make it go away. I will feel magically better, it will always be warm, the sun will always shine, I will have no obligations. Doesn't work. I have to do it. Today I found three small things to make Sunday better. And tomorrow? I'll find the moments, the natural, the people to make Monday better. I gotta keep feeding my soul.
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