gratitude

I started this blog on a whim, but after thinking about it for awhile, I chose a sort-of theme. I used to keep a gratitude journal, where every day I would write down three things I was grateful for, or three things good about that day, or three special moments. That became my theme here, in a much more public way, but I have not taken the time to scribe daily. I have found time to check facebook and email daily though. Priorities? I chose to share this with a few special people in my life. I don't know if anyone reads it, but my intent was to do the three things list for myself, so it matters not if there are readers out there.

I saw an obituary this morning for a woman I met at the cancer clinic. I am still, hours later, struggling with how I feel about this. I am so fortunate to be alive and try to celebrate that in some way each day. It's hard to do, though. I find that I often return to my pre-cancer methods of coping and reacting. I still carry more anger than is healthy. I don't like the weight of that anger. It creeps in there before I know it. The 'three things' is one of the best ways for me to keep life in perspective.

Part of my anger since last September has been about spending so many hours of my life involved with work. I have much better things to do and so many more things I want to do than my job. Lots of possible solutions to this, I know.

My three things today are postive things about my job:

-A core group of co-workers that I trust and no 'big boss' looking over my shoulder. I am given work to do and am trusted to get it done, without undue interference.

-Very casual work environment, with casual clothes. I can (and do) wear jeans and t-shirts every day to work. Comfort is a big selling point. The dress clothes and the high heels and the perfection are not for me.

-I am paid pretty darn well for what I do and what my education is. I don't have an extravagant lifestyle or a lot of toys, but don't want or need them. My financial health is better than it's ever been. I know money is not everything - in fact, it's close to nothing. I've been on the other side of the fence, with no money and struggling to survive. The stress of that is incredible, but what was important to me then and what made me happy then, are the same things as now. People, sunshine, laughter, family, creativity, music, sunsets, nature, babies, being at peace within.

As I struggle today with what my life is, and my feelings about the loss of Cheryl and the unfairness of that, and with the fact that I have not quite made my life and lifestyle what I want it to be, I can work at letting go of the anger about having to work and the anger about work taking up my time to live, by finding today's three things that are good about my job. And I can write really long sentences.