I had the opportunity this week for a visit with my former mother-in-law. I hadn't seen her for twenty-five years and I had some trepidation. The days leading up to our scheduled visit were emotional for me, and emotion I had to carry alone for awhile, to help The Kid work through her feelings about what this long overdue visit might bring. Twenty-five years brings a lot of change and although I knew she was wheelchair bound, I still was not prepared to see this strong and vital woman unable to walk. It was a good visit but made me feel a heavy sadness for some time afterwards. I listened to her talk of each of her fourteen grandchildren, most of whom she rarely sees, and some she has not seen for many years. There was both pain and pride in her voice as she told us what each was doing. I saw a glimpse of our previous friendship when I saw tears glistening in her eyes, as she told me of her desire to move to an assisted living facility, but circumstances she can not change won't allow for that right now. Her strength and vitality is still there, part of her core being.
I know many strong women and count both my mother and my daughter in that group. Family, friends, colleagues who have buried their own children, who burn with pain as they see their children suffer from debilitating physical or mental illnesses or fight addictions, who have suffered pain and abuse, who lived through tragedies, who have buried too many loved ones. These strong women in my life have added to my life. They share many common qualities, although their own personal circumstances are very different. My eyes are older now and can see these strong women with more clarity and I have a deeper appreciation for them.
Three qualities, of many, strong women possess:
- Faith: in something greater than themselves, in others, in themselves, a deep faith that all is good and will get better, a quiet and often unspoken faith that is not forced onto others.
- Acceptance: a true acceptance of what is, living the words of the Serenity Prayer, using their energy to change what can be changed and not fighting what can not, an acceptance of others, an acceptance of themselves yet always growing and learning, an acceptance of and love of family.
- Humour: poking gentle fun at themselves and at others, finding the lighter side of any situation, laughing until their sides and faces hurt, knowing in their core that laughter is healing and an ointment for the burns that life brings.
I see glimpses of this strength in myself at times and I know I have had and continue to have many strong women as role models. They inspire me. Thank you to each of the strong women who have played a role in my life. You've added to it immensely in ways that can't be defined and I love you all. Thank you to my former mother-in-law, who again taught me something in just two hours, twenty-five years later.
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
Sunday, April 3, 2011
Stretching and Challenging
It's so easy to just plod along, putting one metaphorical foot after the other, and not challenge one's self. Perhaps there is a fine line between acceptance of self and what is, and stagnating. It can be difficult to move forward into something new. It is also exciting and energizing.
Three things I've done in the past year to stretch and challenge myself:
-I made the decision to take a Project Managers course. The reason for doing this was to increase my chances at my work to move ahead and possibly do something different. I've been at the same job for 13 years, doing the same thing. As I got further into my course, Irealized I was really doing it because I wanted to learn something new. I stretched my brain to look at things in a new way, in a way that is more practical and logical than I usually think. I tend to look at the soft and feeling side of things, so to focus on a step by step method of getting results has opened me up to a different approach. I haven't lost or buried the emotional side - it will always be there as the predomininant. I can temper that with the logical, for a fuller appreciation of 'the other side'. It's made a difference, not just at work, but in my life.
-I joined a Toastmasters club. I knew a little about this organization and my motivation again was to increase some skills for my work. After just a few short months, I am starting to be a better public speaker and my confidence is increasing. I am one who needs to process information before I respond or offer an opionion. Toastmasters has helped me become more comfortable opening my mouth around people I don't know and am quicker to 'think on my feet'. It's made a difference, not just at work, but in my life.
-I became certified in Level I and II Reiki. This was a huge stretch for me. I walked into the weekend not really knowing what Reiki is, and full of doubts and skepticism. I took Reiki to learn what it is. A part of my brain wanted to prove it is all bunk and a part of my brain wanted to believe that there is energy out there that can make a difference. I expected to learn but also expected to feel nothing. Although I respond first emotionally, I couldn't accept my own intuition. I had closed it down years ago. Reiki has taught me to trust myself and my perceptions and my intuition more. I can temper my emotional doubts with the energy and intuition, for a fuller appreciation of 'the other side'. It's made a difference, not just in my life, but in my work.
These three areas of challenging and stretching myself are all tied together. The choices to do these things were mine, but they were all placed in my life at the right time. I can't yet say how they will work together but I know, deep in my core, that I am on the cusp of something exciting and energizing. Keep challenging and stretching yourself, reaching for things that may or may not make sense. It will be worth it.
Three things I've done in the past year to stretch and challenge myself:
-I made the decision to take a Project Managers course. The reason for doing this was to increase my chances at my work to move ahead and possibly do something different. I've been at the same job for 13 years, doing the same thing. As I got further into my course, Irealized I was really doing it because I wanted to learn something new. I stretched my brain to look at things in a new way, in a way that is more practical and logical than I usually think. I tend to look at the soft and feeling side of things, so to focus on a step by step method of getting results has opened me up to a different approach. I haven't lost or buried the emotional side - it will always be there as the predomininant. I can temper that with the logical, for a fuller appreciation of 'the other side'. It's made a difference, not just at work, but in my life.
-I joined a Toastmasters club. I knew a little about this organization and my motivation again was to increase some skills for my work. After just a few short months, I am starting to be a better public speaker and my confidence is increasing. I am one who needs to process information before I respond or offer an opionion. Toastmasters has helped me become more comfortable opening my mouth around people I don't know and am quicker to 'think on my feet'. It's made a difference, not just at work, but in my life.
-I became certified in Level I and II Reiki. This was a huge stretch for me. I walked into the weekend not really knowing what Reiki is, and full of doubts and skepticism. I took Reiki to learn what it is. A part of my brain wanted to prove it is all bunk and a part of my brain wanted to believe that there is energy out there that can make a difference. I expected to learn but also expected to feel nothing. Although I respond first emotionally, I couldn't accept my own intuition. I had closed it down years ago. Reiki has taught me to trust myself and my perceptions and my intuition more. I can temper my emotional doubts with the energy and intuition, for a fuller appreciation of 'the other side'. It's made a difference, not just in my life, but in my work.
These three areas of challenging and stretching myself are all tied together. The choices to do these things were mine, but they were all placed in my life at the right time. I can't yet say how they will work together but I know, deep in my core, that I am on the cusp of something exciting and energizing. Keep challenging and stretching yourself, reaching for things that may or may not make sense. It will be worth it.
Saturday, March 12, 2011
Sorting it Out
I started this blog on a whim, after drinking too much coffee one evening, with no thoughts about why I was doing it. After a few days, I chose the theme of "Three Things". It was initially to be an extension of a gratitude journal I'd kept many years ago, where each day I would write down three things I was grateful for that day. Over time, this blog has become less of that and more of me baring little pieces of my soul. When I first starting exposing myself and my thoughts, it was to a select few people whom I trusted completely. I sent the link to a few more people and now I often post a link on facebook for more of the world to see.
Three things writing in a public forum does for me:
-I've always written, whether teenage poems full of angst or journals as I sorted my life out or the occasional letter to the editor. This is an extension of that, and by going public, I'm learning to trust both others and myself more fully.
-Writing slows my brain down enough to capture and focus on my thoughts and feelings. Often what starts as the topic turns into something else, but it always brings my satisfaction and energy. I get me sorted out and I share that sorting out with you.
-I have something to say and to share, whether it's the story of peace while driving down highway 2A, poking fun at myself for my collections, talking about how deaths have affected me and my connection to the world and the other-world, or to relieve the stress I've imposed on myself after a bad day.
By sharing and going public, maybe I'll touch you. Perhaps one blog entry or even one phrase will mean something to you. This is why artists create, actors act, writers write, singers sing. It's a fundamental part of who we are and the creation, while first and foremost is to connect with ourselves, helps to satisfy a inner hunger to connect with others.
Three things writing in a public forum does for me:
-I've always written, whether teenage poems full of angst or journals as I sorted my life out or the occasional letter to the editor. This is an extension of that, and by going public, I'm learning to trust both others and myself more fully.
-Writing slows my brain down enough to capture and focus on my thoughts and feelings. Often what starts as the topic turns into something else, but it always brings my satisfaction and energy. I get me sorted out and I share that sorting out with you.
-I have something to say and to share, whether it's the story of peace while driving down highway 2A, poking fun at myself for my collections, talking about how deaths have affected me and my connection to the world and the other-world, or to relieve the stress I've imposed on myself after a bad day.
By sharing and going public, maybe I'll touch you. Perhaps one blog entry or even one phrase will mean something to you. This is why artists create, actors act, writers write, singers sing. It's a fundamental part of who we are and the creation, while first and foremost is to connect with ourselves, helps to satisfy a inner hunger to connect with others.
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
Letting Go
Like everything else, the theory of letting go is so much easier than the practical. I'm in the midst of some letting go and it's been a struggle. And, it seems for me, once I'm hanging on to one thing, I hang onto a bunch of others, holding on so tight to thoughts, beliefs, attitudes that I strangle myself. I'm letting go of things that I thought I'd already let go. Practice hasn't made it perfect.
Three things where I'm trying to let go:
-The Kid is doing a bunch of things to set herself up to teach English overseas for a year. I'm trying to let go of my parental fear. This is a big one and it's sometimes impossible to not be the controlling, lecturing, and paranoid mother. I don't want to be that Mom - I want to be the one who can listen and advise. I need to let go of my ideas of what is right for her life. I need to do this for me and my peace of mind and I need to do it for her. I need to do it to let our relationship grow. I need to do it to restore postive energy balances for both of us.
-I've been fixated on how the weather affects not just my mood, but who I am at my core. This is completely untrue and illogical. I dislike the cold of winter and the shortened hours of daylight. It doesn't define who I am.
-We all have situations and people put into our lives that challenge us. That is reality. I am trying to let go of my judgements to those people and those situations. The acceptance that my own reaction can influence outcomes and relationships is where the value in those challenges lie.
Letting go. It's worth the effort. I prepare myself to be up for the fight so I can have the freedom. I only wish I didn't have to do it so often.
Three things where I'm trying to let go:
-The Kid is doing a bunch of things to set herself up to teach English overseas for a year. I'm trying to let go of my parental fear. This is a big one and it's sometimes impossible to not be the controlling, lecturing, and paranoid mother. I don't want to be that Mom - I want to be the one who can listen and advise. I need to let go of my ideas of what is right for her life. I need to do this for me and my peace of mind and I need to do it for her. I need to do it to let our relationship grow. I need to do it to restore postive energy balances for both of us.
-I've been fixated on how the weather affects not just my mood, but who I am at my core. This is completely untrue and illogical. I dislike the cold of winter and the shortened hours of daylight. It doesn't define who I am.
-We all have situations and people put into our lives that challenge us. That is reality. I am trying to let go of my judgements to those people and those situations. The acceptance that my own reaction can influence outcomes and relationships is where the value in those challenges lie.
Letting go. It's worth the effort. I prepare myself to be up for the fight so I can have the freedom. I only wish I didn't have to do it so often.
Thursday, February 24, 2011
Feeling the Bad Vibes
My energy level has been low lately. I've let my winter wimp take over and have avoided going outside. I decided I hate winter and there have been many days when I only left my warm house to go to work, grumbling every minute about even going out for that. I've been thinking that as soon as spring comes, I'll have more energy. I do thrive on warmth and sun. I know that I have some strong SAD tendencies and have learned to push myself to get out and do SOMETHING through the dark and cold days. I haven't pushed myself this year. The consequence has been a snowball through my life, and I was the one rolling that cold and heavy ball, making it larger and larger.
Three things about energy:
-My energy comes both from within and without. While winter might be a small factor in my low energy, my choice to close myself in also closed me off from good energy sources. Hiding in my house, waiting for the warmth of summer also led me to hide from myself and the things I do for peace and joy, to connect.
-My time with Reiki and Tai Chi brings healing and peaceful energy. I need to practice both more often, to pull positive universal energy into my being.
-I am sensitive to the energy put forth by others. I am working on gathering positive energy to myself and sheilding negative energy from myself. As I closed myself in, I also closed myself off. I forgot I have both the ability and the choice to gather and to sheild. I became vulnerable to negative energy and wallowed in it, and began to use that for my life force. I watched from somewhere outside myself and let this happen, and forgot how to stop it. A simple intervention from an intuitive and kind soul today brought me back home, to myself, to my soul, to my energy, to my awareness.
Winter comes every year. My own personal positive and peaceful and poweful energy doesn't depend on the weather. It doesn't depend on having more time. It's within me. I can access it. I can project it. I can use it to protect myself from harm and harmful people. I know it's connected to a greater and larger energy. I've got a good vibe about this, man. Far out.
Three things about energy:
-My energy comes both from within and without. While winter might be a small factor in my low energy, my choice to close myself in also closed me off from good energy sources. Hiding in my house, waiting for the warmth of summer also led me to hide from myself and the things I do for peace and joy, to connect.
-My time with Reiki and Tai Chi brings healing and peaceful energy. I need to practice both more often, to pull positive universal energy into my being.
-I am sensitive to the energy put forth by others. I am working on gathering positive energy to myself and sheilding negative energy from myself. As I closed myself in, I also closed myself off. I forgot I have both the ability and the choice to gather and to sheild. I became vulnerable to negative energy and wallowed in it, and began to use that for my life force. I watched from somewhere outside myself and let this happen, and forgot how to stop it. A simple intervention from an intuitive and kind soul today brought me back home, to myself, to my soul, to my energy, to my awareness.
Winter comes every year. My own personal positive and peaceful and poweful energy doesn't depend on the weather. It doesn't depend on having more time. It's within me. I can access it. I can project it. I can use it to protect myself from harm and harmful people. I know it's connected to a greater and larger energy. I've got a good vibe about this, man. Far out.
Saturday, February 19, 2011
Photographs and Memories (Apology to Jim Croce)
Once again it's been busy in my family history world this week, with emails back and forth between cousins and new contacts. On Wednesday, I did my first speech at Toastmasters and my subject was three things I love about family history. I had a hard time trying to focus into a small enough area of this huge subject to keep this a four to six minute speech. I went over the time limit by about a minute and a half. I think it will be a subject for future speeches.
Three things about photgraphs and memories:
-I've been dubbed "The Keeper of the Documents" by some members of my large extended family. This is an interesting moniker for one who also makes her living as a Document Control Specialist. I've been entrusted with some documents and some photos that are irreplaceable and (to me) priceless. I have pictures from the late 1800s and early 1900s, still holding their clarity and colour. It makes me wonder about the life of digital photos and whether they will survive a hundred plus years as well as these old treasures have. I recently scanned a family picture from the early 1960s, taken on a Brownie box camera, and had it printed as an 8x10. The quality and clarity is much better than a similar scan from the 1980's and a print from a recent digital photo. I hope that todays pictures can survive with no loss of quality for future generations.
-In my speech, I made one comment about how past generations decisions affect who I am and what my life is like today. This aspect of researching my families histories fascinates me and has made me more aware of how world events affected my ancestors. The speculation of how family dynamics and decisions changed people makes me wonder how my decisions affected The Kid. How have my decisions impacted her personality and her own life choices? My paternal grandmother was a German immigrant who saw three of her four sons fight in World War II, sons off fighting her homeland, her people. That had to have had some impacts on the family. Will my reactions and attitudes to life-changing events such as the Pine Lake tornado or 2001 terrorist attacks affect my great-grandchildren?
-Toward the end of my speech, I talked about how this family history quest has opened new relationships for me and how it has brought me closer to many of my cousins. I was telling the Toastmasters group how sharing memories and my immediate family's history with my siblings has strengthened our relationships. My voice started to catch and I had to blink a few times to stop the tears from starting. Sharing stories about growing up and hearing or reading about their perspective of our lives has helped to cement our love for each other. This is my number one reason for continuing to gather information about my own immediate family. I know my brothers and sisters in a much fuller and deeper way.
Finding and sharing the photographs and stories and information about current and past generations gives us all a grounding that would not be there without that knowledge. Keep sharing your life with others. You never know whose life you will touch and how your decisions and reactions will change the world, even in a small way for one person, who will take that forth for centuries to come.
Three things about photgraphs and memories:
-I've been dubbed "The Keeper of the Documents" by some members of my large extended family. This is an interesting moniker for one who also makes her living as a Document Control Specialist. I've been entrusted with some documents and some photos that are irreplaceable and (to me) priceless. I have pictures from the late 1800s and early 1900s, still holding their clarity and colour. It makes me wonder about the life of digital photos and whether they will survive a hundred plus years as well as these old treasures have. I recently scanned a family picture from the early 1960s, taken on a Brownie box camera, and had it printed as an 8x10. The quality and clarity is much better than a similar scan from the 1980's and a print from a recent digital photo. I hope that todays pictures can survive with no loss of quality for future generations.
-In my speech, I made one comment about how past generations decisions affect who I am and what my life is like today. This aspect of researching my families histories fascinates me and has made me more aware of how world events affected my ancestors. The speculation of how family dynamics and decisions changed people makes me wonder how my decisions affected The Kid. How have my decisions impacted her personality and her own life choices? My paternal grandmother was a German immigrant who saw three of her four sons fight in World War II, sons off fighting her homeland, her people. That had to have had some impacts on the family. Will my reactions and attitudes to life-changing events such as the Pine Lake tornado or 2001 terrorist attacks affect my great-grandchildren?
-Toward the end of my speech, I talked about how this family history quest has opened new relationships for me and how it has brought me closer to many of my cousins. I was telling the Toastmasters group how sharing memories and my immediate family's history with my siblings has strengthened our relationships. My voice started to catch and I had to blink a few times to stop the tears from starting. Sharing stories about growing up and hearing or reading about their perspective of our lives has helped to cement our love for each other. This is my number one reason for continuing to gather information about my own immediate family. I know my brothers and sisters in a much fuller and deeper way.
Finding and sharing the photographs and stories and information about current and past generations gives us all a grounding that would not be there without that knowledge. Keep sharing your life with others. You never know whose life you will touch and how your decisions and reactions will change the world, even in a small way for one person, who will take that forth for centuries to come.
Sunday, February 13, 2011
How Do I Look?
There was an article on the editorial page of my local paper this week where the author was angry about going to a high-end dining spot for dinner and some of the clientele were under-dressed. That made me think about myself and how, for most occasions, I am definitely under-dressed. I'm all about being comfortable, not just in my clothes but in my own skin.
Three things about how I look:
-I wanted to be a hippie when I grew up and part of my own rebellion was jeans and a t-shirt as my every day wear. I have had jobs where I needed to "dress up" and wear "office clothes". I've had events to go to where I put on dresses, slips, panty hose, and heels. And while, for a short period of time, I feel good about "dressing up", I can hardly wait to get home and get into some other clothes - clothes where I'm more physically comfortable and where I can be just me. "Dressing up" is like pretending to be someone I'm not. Dressing up itself is a term that brings feelings of putting on a face and personality that is deceitful. I admire the people who can do that and pull it off, and just be dressed and comfortable. Dressing up in a costume and becoming someone else is a whole different story. I could do that weekly. Dressing up in finery just is not the same, even when I pretend I'm someone else. I'm a far cry from fancy.
-I went through more than a couple decades of wearing make up almost every day. I know it evens out my skin tone and opens up my eyes. These days I wear none. I was in danger of becoming one of those women who can't leave her house without having a fully made up face. It takes too much time to try to hide the flaws and open up those beautiful eyes of mine. Along with the make up were the haircuts, hair products, perms, curling irons, and a frustration that my hair was poker straight, fine, and never looked as good as I wanted it to look. I spent too much time spent in front of the mirror trying to look more perfect than I am with results that still left me judging myself based on uncooperative hair, skin, teeth.
-I have a closet full of clothes that I don't wear. They hang there, waiting for me to branch out, show some style, develop my own style where I look put together. I reach in, pull clothes off the hangers, put them on, and dislike the imperfection so much, that I grab the jeans and t-shirts, get comfortable, and relax. I read Vague Magazine, not Vogue.
This scribing today took a different turn and tone than what I set out to write. I wasn't the under-dressed person in the high-end dining establishment, but I could have been. I don't judge myself harshly while in my jeans and t-shirts, but I do when I'm "dressed up" and striving for perfection and beauty. I will continue to stick with the comfortable and wait in vain for the day when I can wear pajamas to work.
Three things about how I look:
-I wanted to be a hippie when I grew up and part of my own rebellion was jeans and a t-shirt as my every day wear. I have had jobs where I needed to "dress up" and wear "office clothes". I've had events to go to where I put on dresses, slips, panty hose, and heels. And while, for a short period of time, I feel good about "dressing up", I can hardly wait to get home and get into some other clothes - clothes where I'm more physically comfortable and where I can be just me. "Dressing up" is like pretending to be someone I'm not. Dressing up itself is a term that brings feelings of putting on a face and personality that is deceitful. I admire the people who can do that and pull it off, and just be dressed and comfortable. Dressing up in a costume and becoming someone else is a whole different story. I could do that weekly. Dressing up in finery just is not the same, even when I pretend I'm someone else. I'm a far cry from fancy.
-I went through more than a couple decades of wearing make up almost every day. I know it evens out my skin tone and opens up my eyes. These days I wear none. I was in danger of becoming one of those women who can't leave her house without having a fully made up face. It takes too much time to try to hide the flaws and open up those beautiful eyes of mine. Along with the make up were the haircuts, hair products, perms, curling irons, and a frustration that my hair was poker straight, fine, and never looked as good as I wanted it to look. I spent too much time spent in front of the mirror trying to look more perfect than I am with results that still left me judging myself based on uncooperative hair, skin, teeth.
-I have a closet full of clothes that I don't wear. They hang there, waiting for me to branch out, show some style, develop my own style where I look put together. I reach in, pull clothes off the hangers, put them on, and dislike the imperfection so much, that I grab the jeans and t-shirts, get comfortable, and relax. I read Vague Magazine, not Vogue.
This scribing today took a different turn and tone than what I set out to write. I wasn't the under-dressed person in the high-end dining establishment, but I could have been. I don't judge myself harshly while in my jeans and t-shirts, but I do when I'm "dressed up" and striving for perfection and beauty. I will continue to stick with the comfortable and wait in vain for the day when I can wear pajamas to work.
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