Feeling the Bad Vibes

My energy level has been low lately. I've let my winter wimp take over and have avoided going outside. I decided I hate winter and there have been many days when I only left my warm house to go to work, grumbling every minute about even going out for that. I've been thinking that as soon as spring comes, I'll have more energy. I do thrive on warmth and sun. I know that I have some strong SAD tendencies and have learned to push myself to get out and do SOMETHING through the dark and cold days. I haven't pushed myself this year. The consequence has been a snowball through my life, and I was the one rolling that cold and heavy ball, making it larger and larger.

Three things about energy:

-My energy comes both from within and without. While winter might be a small factor in my low energy, my choice to close myself in also closed me off from good energy sources. Hiding in my house, waiting for the warmth of summer also led me to hide from myself and the things I do for peace and joy, to connect.

-My time with Reiki and Tai Chi brings healing and peaceful energy. I need to practice both more often, to pull positive universal energy into my being.

-I am sensitive to the energy put forth by others. I am working on gathering positive energy to myself and sheilding negative energy from myself. As I closed myself in, I also closed myself off. I forgot I have both the ability and the choice to gather and to sheild. I became vulnerable to negative energy and wallowed in it, and began to use that for my life force. I watched from somewhere outside myself and let this happen, and forgot how to stop it. A simple intervention from an intuitive and kind soul today brought me back home, to myself, to my soul, to my energy, to my awareness.

Winter comes every year. My own personal positive and peaceful and poweful energy doesn't depend on the weather. It doesn't depend on having more time. It's within me. I can access it. I can project it. I can use it to protect myself from harm and harmful people. I know it's connected to a greater and larger energy. I've got a good vibe about this, man. Far out.

Photographs and Memories (Apology to Jim Croce)

Once again it's been busy in my family history world this week, with emails back and forth between cousins and new contacts. On Wednesday, I did my first speech at Toastmasters and my subject was three things I love about family history. I had a hard time trying to focus into a small enough area of this huge subject to keep this a four to six minute speech. I went over the time limit by about a minute and a half. I think it will be a subject for future speeches.

Three things about photgraphs and memories:

-I've been dubbed "The Keeper of the Documents" by some members of my large extended family. This is an interesting moniker for one who also makes her living as a Document Control Specialist. I've been entrusted with some documents and some photos that are irreplaceable and (to me) priceless. I have pictures from the late 1800s and early 1900s, still holding their clarity and colour. It makes me wonder about the life of digital photos and whether they will survive a hundred plus years as well as these old treasures have. I recently scanned a family picture from the early 1960s, taken on a Brownie box camera, and had it printed as an 8x10. The quality and clarity is much better than a similar scan from the 1980's and a print from a recent digital photo. I hope that todays pictures can survive with no loss of quality for future generations.

-In my speech, I made one comment about how past generations decisions affect who I am and what my life is like today. This aspect of researching my families histories fascinates me and has made me more aware of how world events affected my ancestors. The speculation of how family dynamics and decisions changed people makes me wonder how my decisions affected The Kid. How have my decisions impacted her personality and her own life choices? My paternal grandmother was a German immigrant who saw three of her four sons fight in World War II, sons off fighting her homeland, her people. That had to have had some impacts on the family. Will my reactions and attitudes to life-changing events such as the Pine Lake tornado or 2001 terrorist attacks affect my great-grandchildren?

-Toward the end of my speech, I talked about how this family history quest has opened new relationships for me and how it has brought me closer to many of my cousins. I was telling the Toastmasters group how sharing memories and my immediate family's history with my siblings has strengthened our relationships. My voice started to catch and I had to blink a few times to stop the tears from starting. Sharing stories about growing up and hearing or reading about their perspective of our lives has helped to cement our love for each other. This is my number one reason for continuing to gather information about my own immediate family. I know my brothers and sisters in a much fuller and deeper way.

Finding and sharing the photographs and stories and information about current and past generations gives us all a grounding that would not be there without that knowledge. Keep sharing your life with others. You never know whose life you will touch and how your decisions and reactions will change the world, even in a small way for one person, who will take that forth for centuries to come.

How Do I Look?

There was an article on the editorial page of my local paper this week where the author was angry about going to a high-end dining spot for dinner and some of the clientele were under-dressed. That made me think about myself and how, for most occasions, I am definitely under-dressed. I'm all about being comfortable, not just in my clothes but in my own skin.

Three things about how I look:

-I wanted to be a hippie when I grew up and part of my own rebellion was jeans and a t-shirt as my every day wear. I have had jobs where I needed to "dress up" and wear "office clothes". I've had events to go to where I put on dresses, slips, panty hose, and heels. And while, for a short period of time, I feel good about "dressing up", I can hardly wait to get home and get into some other clothes - clothes where I'm more physically comfortable and where I can be just me. "Dressing up" is like pretending to be someone I'm not. Dressing up itself is a term that brings feelings of putting on a face and personality that is deceitful. I admire the people who can do that and pull it off, and just be dressed and comfortable. Dressing up in a costume and becoming someone else is a whole different story. I could do that weekly. Dressing up in finery just is not the same, even when I pretend I'm someone else. I'm a far cry from fancy.

-I went through more than a couple decades of wearing make up almost every day. I know it evens out my skin tone and opens up my eyes. These days I wear none. I was in danger of becoming one of those women who can't leave her house without having a fully made up face. It takes too much time to try to hide the flaws and open up those beautiful eyes of mine. Along with the make up were the haircuts, hair products, perms, curling irons, and a frustration that my hair was poker straight, fine, and never looked as good as I wanted it to look. I spent too much time spent in front of the mirror trying to look more perfect than I am with results that still left me judging myself based on uncooperative hair, skin, teeth.

-I have a closet full of clothes that I don't wear. They hang there, waiting for me to branch out, show some style, develop my own style where I look put together. I reach in, pull clothes off the hangers, put them on, and dislike the imperfection so much, that I grab the jeans and t-shirts, get comfortable, and relax. I read Vague Magazine, not Vogue.

This scribing today took a different turn and tone than what I set out to write. I wasn't the under-dressed person in the high-end dining establishment, but I could have been. I don't judge myself harshly while in my jeans and t-shirts, but I do when I'm "dressed up" and striving for perfection and beauty. I will continue to stick with the comfortable and wait in vain for the day when I can wear pajamas to work.

Life and Death

I've just come from a funeral of a co-worker. He is the third from my work we've lost suddenly in the past year. It is also the anniversary of the death of my brothers childhood friends. I'm remembering my Mom and one very dear friend. I'm remembering aunts, uncles, cousins, friends, parents of friends. I'm struggling with how I'm feeling. I'm sad, I'm pensive, I'm angry, I'm happy that I'm alive, I'm reflective, I'm scared, I'm hopeful. All these emotions are fighting within me, coming in waves, one replacing the other without even realizing what I feel. I'm alone in my house right now and I want so badly for someone to be here, to hold me and comfort me, and to help me laugh at myself.

Three things about life and death:

-I've been playing in the family history field a lot the past few weeks and today suddenly all the names on graphs and paper and in databases are people to me and not just statistics. Each of us leave people behind and leave a legacy that means something to someone somewhere. And here I am, trying to put meaning to their lives, on paper, with most of them people I never knew. They've touched my life years later and in some cases decades and centuries later. The choices they made have touched my life and with some, the choices they made affected my life. A continual stream, running forever.

-I don't know what I believe, really, about what happens after death. Maybe nothing. Maybe the picture painted of life ever after in a heaven with streets paved of gold and a wise and living being overseeing and loving all. Maybe our life force stays forever in different forms, reincarnated as plants, animals, new humans. Maybe our life force or soul has to continue learning lessons, as we do now in our alive life, and someday reaches a plateau of fulfillment, having learned all the lessons to then become a teacher to other life forces. I know what I WANT to believe, but I'm scared to fully believe. What if I'm wrong?

-I'm not scared to die. My meet-and-greet with cancer and facing my own mortality took away the fear of dying, no matter what happens to my life force/soul after I suck in my last breath. I only know I don't want to die and I want to live a life full of love and people and laughter and song and time spent doing the things I love. I continue to struggle to get it all in.

Rest in peace all who have passed before me, those I knew and those who are names on the reams of paper in binders filling the nooks and crannies of my house. Your lives have touched and changed mine. Your legacies live on in memory and in the nooks and crannies of my mind. I will continue to remember you. For those I knew, I will strive to emulate the best qualities each of have shown. For those I could not know, I will continue with my feeble attempts to document your full lives in short stories. Life and death: how mysterious, how wonderful, how agonizing and joyful.

Talking to Myself

I've just come in from a dental appointment. I'm on the team of poeple that dreads getting dental work done. I get so tense that I rise from the chair with a headache and almost feel dizzy as my breathing gets back to normal. I had quite a lot of work done today and one side of my mouth is frozen, both upper and lower, and half my tongue. I keep trying to talk (I'm home alone and listening to my own voice) because I illogically think that if I talk, the freezing will come out faster.

Three things about talking to myself:

-As I sit here talking to myself, my own voice sounds strange to my ears. It doesn't sound like that when I am speaking to someone else.

-Words are very garbled when I don't have all parts and muscles of my mouth working properly.

-I am quickly running out of things to say to myself out loud. Thank goodness no one is answering.

The freezing is not coming out any faster. Still, every few minutes, I say something out loud. One mantra that I keep repeating is "I'm never going to the dentist again". When I break that vow to myself, I'm going to arrange to have company after to avoid the silliness of talking to my very own self.

Connections

Yesterday a terrible winter storm blew in and I knew I wouldn't be going out. I had some things planned to keep me busy, but I knew it would be a long day, with no other people around me. I need to stay socially active and although I have times where I crave, and need, to be alone, too much alone time makes me a little weird. Even with the storm, I had great connections with people.

Three connections in the storm:

-While checking facebook, the chat window popped up. I don't often use the chat feature, but this was from a friend I haven't seen for about ten years. We have been trying to make time to get together for a few weeks, since reconnecting on facebook. We had an on-line chat and got caught up on some stuff and have arranged a time to visit face-to-face. While I was chatting with her, another chat window popped up; this one from a friend who lives hundreds of miles away. It was very strange to be having these two on-line conversations at once. I very much enjoyed my visits with these two ladies, and think I may chat on line more often.

-Sister Three and Sister Two both phoned, and with each of them I had long conversations, about 'just stuff'. It was more like we were sitting together and talking, and not phone calls where we relay information.

-Hours later, in the early evening, again two phone calls; one from The Kid (who hates the phone) and one from a long time friend who lives many miles away. The Kid and I just talked about stuff, as well. This is unusual for us when we are on the phone. As I mentioned, she hates being on the phone and our calls are generally short and only to convey information. The long time friend and I don't talk as often as either of us would like - life gets in the way, you know. We discussed some tough times going on for her. That's how long time friends are - time goes by without much contact, but there is still the trust and connection to open your hearts and souls.

The storm continues today and I will likely have to go out to do some grocery shopping. I also want to visit a colleague in the hospital. I know it's time for me to see people, even strangers, face to face. However, if I chose to spend one more day by myself, I know I am not alone.

Christmas

I just finished taking down the Christmas tree and undecorating the house. It was kind of sad and lonely for me, to take the tree down by myself. As I worked, I took time to think about what Christmas is, and what it means to me. I know there is lots of press out there focusing on the commercialism and the loss of the true meaning of Christmas. For me, each Christmas is more beautiful, more peaceful, more full of love than the last and the ones past.

Three things Christmas means to me:

-Family. It is a time to gather and spend time and share food and share laughter and share love. I'm fortunate to have a large and loving and accepting family. I love you all dearly.

-Giving. All of us in the above large family have more than enough 'stuff', but yet each year, I buy a few small things. Each year I vow to not do that, but to contribute to a Christmas charity instead. For the past few years, I've done both. Each year I receive more gifts than many people. The giving is not about getting stuff, it's about opening love wrapped in shiny paper with pretty bows.

-Magic. For me there is still magic in seeing a little kid's excitement about Santa coming, outdoor lights, people singing carols off-key, people donating or adopting families or working at a free Christmas dinner, magic in hugs and magic in tears.

We had very little in the way of material things when I was growing up. Somehow, though, there was always Christmas, with enough food, and with at least one little gift for all. Some of our Christmases were stressful and unhappy, with too much drink and not enough peace. There were some full of fun and laughter. But there was always Christmas. My Mom worked hard to make sure we always had Christmas, even through the years of too much drinking. I miss her and I miss how much Christmas and her family meant to her. I think it is fitting that she died on Christmas Day.