Lessons From a Generation

We said a final goodbye to my aunt last Saturday. She died just days after her ninetieth birthday, the last surviving sibling of a family of thirteen. There was an outpouring of emotions from her many nieces and nephews; we were all feeling a profound sense of loss as the last of this generation died. This was an exceptionally close family, often gathering in groups of two, three, six, seven. Only once, at their parents 50th anniversary, did all thirteen children gather together. We all grew up knowing our cousins; for many, cousins were extended brothers and sisters. I was the youngest grandchild and didn't have many cousins my same age; I grew up with second cousins mostly. I still knew those older first cousins, and many were like more siblings and in some cases, almost a surrogate parent. My last maternal aunt is gone. (I have one remaining paternal aunt-in-law.) The tears we cried were not for my aunt, but for us and for the changes time brings. We are the oldsters now.

Three things, of many, I learned from my aunt and her siblings:

- The value of education, learning, and perseverance. This family struggled to ensure that all were fed and clothed. Poverty was a way of life. Each of the thirteen found some measure of success and most were able to rise above the humble financial beginnings. My great-grandparents came to Canada to provide a better life for their families, to give them a chance that they could not find in their native Norway. The Thirteen overcame difficulties and found a way to go to school and find work. This often meant moving away, far away from the home nest, and forging a life that would be better for THEIR kids. I saw this lesson played out in my generation as aunts, uncles, cousins, opened their doors and their lives to have a cousin or niece or nephew live with them as they went to school or got their footing in a new town, a new job. The Thirteen struggled, and none were rich, but they passed this message along in such a deep way that it is a core value. Many of my generation, while not rich, are successful. Many of The Thirteen were avid readers and loved crossword puzzles and the fun of the English language. I see this same love of learning, of language, of word play with my cousins.

- Thrift and enjoyment of what you have. This was the generation that truly understood what recycling means. Pieces of tin foil and waxed paper carefully folded and reused, reworking clothes for another use or another child, cutting buttons off to be sewn onto another garment once the original was beyond repair, cutting paper-thin and worn out clothes into rags. Nothing was wasted and everything was reused. Growing up in poverty and surviving the depression may have forced this onto them, but the same habits continued after life became easier. I get sad when I think what a throw-away society we have become, and how we "need" the newest car, newest electronic toy, how we crumple up the Christmas wrapping and throw it all away. Along with the thrift, the true appreciation of what they had was something to admire. Striving for a better life, yes, but not often regretting the lives they had.

- A love of laughter and family. The deep bonds were so inherent with this generation that we gathered last week, knowing an era has ended, but reconnecting with cousins seldom seen to know our place, our history, our own selves. As we gathered last week, the focus was this family. Many who couldn't be there expressed their love of family through emails and through Facebook. The Thirteen loved to laugh and could laugh at all situations. There were problems, serious problems, but The Thirteen could cry and laugh and join in shared emotion to make everything seem all right, even during the times when things were far from 'all right'. This lesson continues; we gather now as grown cousins and we laugh and we laugh and we laugh. Nothing is so serious that we can't see the ridiculous. We possess an intelligent humour and carry with us the love of a good pun, a good story, a well-placed comeback. We laugh at ourselves, we laugh at each other, we laugh at others. We trade stories and we tease each other. We face life defiantly, knowing family and laughter will carry us through the toughest times.

This is an exceptional family and I learned how to live from The Thirteen. It hasn't been easy for me, and it certainly wasn't easy for them. The lessons reveal themselves to me in both stunning realizations and in little nudges to my brain. Through it all, I try to remember to laugh and to reach out to my family. Family is the truly the most important and steadfast blessing in my life. I will miss my aunt, as I miss my Mom and her siblings, but I will never forget how she and her siblings shaped my life and the lessons they taught me. I hope I can be an oldster as magnificent as you. Thank you.

Me, Today

Hello, it's been awhile since I've been here. After this long hiatus, I am here today, musing about many things: today's wintery weather, family, music, The Kid, my Mom, friends who are celebrating good news and friends who are suffering, Christmas, my purpose, and wondering how it all comes together. All what? The thoughts that scramble through my brain, too fast to even know what I am truly thinking about, and the place I am in my life, and how I came to be who I am, and where I am going, and my next step. That's all. Whew! Where did all that come from? Why the questioning? Why the uncertainty?

Three things about me, today:

 - I've had some time lately of re-evaluating and of introspection - perhaps too much. I am not sure why I'm in this place of self-doubt and confusion. I spent too many years of my life agonizing about my decisions and never feeling confident I was doing the right thing; and all the while waiting, wanting, longing for something different.  I wasted days and months and years hoping a magic answer would appear to sort me out, a lightning bolt or a good fairy that would bestow unending happiness upon me. I don't think I needed sorting out. I just didn't know what would bring me a measure of contentment and peace. I know now and often have to work to remember that.

- I dislike that obligations keep me from spending my time doing what I love. I know that none are free of obligations. I know when the obligations are over, the time is there and the world is waiting for me. I am free, then, to do what I love and what I want. Time spent procrastinating and complaining, externally and internally, is a waste of my energy. It's tiresome for me and those around me. It takes away my measure of contentment and peace. I know this and I often have to work to remember that.

- I'm often so very lonely deep inside. I miss my people. I have family and friends I see often and our time together is precious. I miss the ones who can't be here. I used to dream of big houses filled with all my people, where everyone was all together. I want to surround myself with ALL my people. It's silly really, and makes me smile to think of everyone in one place. It would never work, I don't think, even for an hour. There would be too much diversity and confusion and noise. I wouldn't like the noise and I wouldn't like that I wasn't really with anyone, because there would be too many at once. I am so very fortunate and blessed to have my many, many people. I know this and I often have to work to remember that.

Here I am today, back at my computer, sharing with you after a longer break that I like. I will continue musing today and tomorrow and the next day. I know where I'm at, how I came to be who I am, where I'm going next, and how to get there. I will keep working at remembering what I have that brings me peace, that the obligations will always be there, and that I have my people. I am sorted out. I miss you. I will see you soon.

Door Number One or Door Number Two?

Sometimes I wonder if I think too much. I wonder if my thought patterns are normal, and if others think the same way. My thoughts are usually well-formed words, sentences, paragraphs, as if I'm writing. I don't think in shapes or images or colour. My mind runs in black and white words that jump from one unseemingly connected subject to the next. Today as I was getting chores done, my mind was thinking/writing about sunshine and its' effect on me; about Remembrance Day, sacrifice, and how choices we make mean something is sacrificed;  how those sacrifices seem small compared to war-time choices;  about my special family and how I often ache to be with them; about loneliness; about my choice to be alone at this time in my life, having left some unfulfilling and damaging relationships in my past;  about the change of seasons; about how this time of year is birthday season (many of my people have winter birthdays) which led to thoughts about how this time of year is also death season (many of my people have died in winter); about what I want and need and how I can get there, which led to wondering what others want and need and how I can help them find it. All of these thoughts were writings in my mind.

So what is today's blog really about? Is it about the thought process? Is it about my thoughts? Is it about any of the emotionally-charged thoughts that raced through my brain as I went about my chores? I don't know, really, what it is about. Perhaps choices is the real topic du jour.

Three things about choice:

- We choose our thoughts whether we are  aware of that or not. We react to our thoughts. Our thoughts create more thoughts, more feelings, more emotions, and more thoughts. Choosing what we think about and what we focus on often seems to happen unbidden. I believe that underneath the random-ness we think is there, is choice, whether conscious or unconscious. (That sentence is a mouthful and grammatically incorrect. I'm choosing to leave it alone). We know we can change our thoughts and reactions.  We KNOW it, but we don't remember that when things get tough.

- Choice does involve sacrifice. Oftentimes the sacrifice is small and is something we don't mind giving up, something we wanted out of our lives anyway. However, whatever is on the other side of sacrifice needs to be recognized, acknowledged, and grieved. There are hard, hard choices and decisions sometimes. There are easy done-in-a-minute choices sometimes. One thing that I do is flip a coin. This is sometimes mentally and sometimes literally. Heads is... Tails is... Before the coin stops spinning, you know how you really want the coin to land. I don't recall who first told me this or when, but it works. It may not make doing the choice any easier; there will still be work involved and the aforementioned grief. But you have your answer. You know where your heart and soul lie for that choice.

- Although so much of life is a choice there is something that directs us. All the logic in the world, all your thoughts weighing the pros and cons, all the input you request from others, is being directed. You may think of this direction as fate, as God, as yourself 'working it out', as yourself following your dreams or of doing the right thing, or as good luck or bad luck. Whatever you choose to believe about direction in your life and your choices, it is there. For me personally, it is something greater than myself, and I fight my logic to allow the direction to lead me. It's tough. The direction is where I need to be, to go; being gently led some days and being pushed with force and pain other days. The direction is there.

My thoughts for today, scribbled down quickly, with no analysis or editing, free-flowing from my brain to the keyboard are here for you. You can choose to let them touch you, or not. Your direction will come at the right time.

I'll Do It Later

The sun came out today, after two weeks of gray, of snow, of fog. My energy level today was higher than it has been for days. I try to feed my soul and work at not reacting to the weather. It's hard, though. I am wired for sunshine; I think most of us are. I polished off most of my weekly chores in a short amount of time as the sun warmed my house and my soul. As I scrubbed and cleaned, chopped vegetables, put Halloween paraphernalia away, organized and straightened up, I knew there was so much more I could be doing and that I wanted to be doing. I thought of all the things I've been procrastinating about. Some of my put-it-off-until-another-day items have been put off for months. I can't blame the weather for those ones!

Three things that are waiting for me:

- My cupboard door hinge broke months ago. At first, I was anxious to get it fixed. I put off 0going to buy a new hinge because I dread going into any store these days. (More about that 'affliction' another time). I also know I need help to fix this door. People have offered, but I don't have the hinge. As time went by, I kind of liked not having a door on that cupboard. It is certainly easier to get things in and out of a cramped corner cabinet with no door. It looks quite awful, though. It can't be organized enough to look attractive.

- I bought a new computer earlier this year. I have programs I want to load and changes I want to make. I haven't done it yet. I haven't felt like it. It's as simple as that. Changing computers is an exercise in patience. It never goes smoothly for me. I don't know enough about them to fix the little glitches that arise. I haven't felt like it because I don't want to deal with my own frustration and face my own lack of knowledge.

- I have a plan in my head for displaying family pictures and family history information. This is a beautiful mural in my mind. I spent time and money finding frames, wall decorations, paper, and various items to attach things to the wall. I really want to get this done! My excuse for not starting (never mind completing) this is I want someone to help. It's much easier to hang things on walls with a second set of eyes to see what is not straight, what is too close together, what is too high or too low. I haven't asked anyone to help. I've put THAT off because I've decided I need to either wash the walls or paint before I can arrange a helper. Preparing the wall sounds like work.

I have many, many more tasks and chores and projects just waiting for me to decide it's the right time. I haven't told you about the dishwasher that doesn't work or the battery that needs replacing or the organizing of my work room or the unwashed car or the purging of too much stuff in my home.  I can't blame any of this on the weather; they've been waiting for many sunny days. I can't blame any of this on not enough time; there is always enough time to do what I truly, truly want. I DO want to get all of these projects done. However, they involve work of some sort. I am trying to feed my soul and enjoy my minutes and days. Who wants obligations to interfere with life and sunshine and joy and laughter and happiness and peace and soul-feeding and time spent with people? Not I; I have enough of that with my work-for-money life and my daily-living-chores. Some day the things I've been putting off may become important enough to just do them. In the meantime, come to visit and we'll find something great to do, whether the sun is shining or not.

Fear

Today is gray, cold, and cloudy. The past week has been gray, cold, and cloudy. My brain keeps moving in the direction of getting through a long, cold winter. I know the things I need to do to make winter not only bearable, but enjoyable. These two thoughts are fighting and creating unrest and discontent within me. I don't want the darkness to win. What keeps me tied to this spot of uncomfortableness? I wonder if some part of me gets some perverse pleasure with reviewing the what-ifs about winter and about life, some deep secret place where I want or need to feel grumpy and miserable. Why do I have to work so hard at feeling joy, contentment, peace? How come it doesn't just come unbidden? Dreading the winter doldrums is a cover for the real restlessness within.

I have recently had a wonderful vacation and visit with Sister Two. The past three days were filled with music, laughter, fun, love, and gratitude, with other special women in my life. I had some very precious hours today with an old friend, laughing and doing something we both love to do. It fills me with a wonderment knowing my life is full. It fills me with wonderment knowing I'm alive. But yet....  My house is empty and quiet. Chores loom in front of me. The work week is only a few hours away. What is holding me in this spot of gloom when my life is so close to everything I've ever wanted it to be?

My annual struggle with surviving winter has begun early this year. Thanks for that, Mother Nature. My struggle with time rages daily. I know that underneath all this gloom and doom talk I have work to do, a decision to make. There is one piece of my life that needs resolution. I know what is holding me here. Fear.

Three things about fear:

- Fear can be crippling. It stops us dead and overtakes common sense.

- We need fear. Fear protects us.

- Fear pushes us to where we need to go and who we need to become.

This push is where I need to get to, to take that next leap into who I am becoming. I am getting closer. Perhaps this teeter-totter of feeling safe and protected on one side and the crippling and stopping on the other side is a natural stage. There is a longing within me, a desire and wanting so powerful that I am confident that my fear will not win. I will not use the prospect of winter or the over-used excuse of "not-enough-time" to stop me. I will conquer the fear and this piece of my life will become resolved. I have the faith, in myself and in the force that lives within me that directs my soul, to KNOW it's coming.

Fear be damned.

Living the Dream

Anniversary time is coming up for me. In a few short days, it will be five years since I started my treatment for rectal cancer - October 22. Tomorrow I have an appointment for a CT scan for a lump I found in my groin during the past summer. I am nervous and scared, but less so than I was before I acknowledged the lump. Who knows, ever, what the next year, the next day, the next moment will bring?

I have been busy these past weeks. I have been working at keeping balanced with busy and slowing down to savour life. Today I'm not sure what I will do. I'm just home from a wonderful trip to Nova Scotia to visit Sister Two. I haven't been to her house for thirty-one years! How often we let life get in the way of what is important. Circumstances did not allow me to make the journey sooner, and I have some regret and strange longings at letting so very much time go by. Tomorrow I return to work. The time crunch plays at my mind and emotions once again. As I struggle today with not wanting to return to work, I question why I continue to have this fight within myself. This is a choice I've made. I blame the food, shelter, and clothing thing for getting in the way of what I truly want to do. This is not entirely true. I love parts of my job, and like most of it, and there are only a very few things about my work that I dislike. I just want more time - more time, more time, more time - to do it all. Many of you have listened to me and read through this rant before. In my battle this morning, I had to admit that I am living the dream despite being unable to be free of work and commitments.  No one is free of those, even if the work involved is not the standard show up and get paid scenario.

Three ways I'm living the dream:

- I have a job that I enjoy. I have been given an opportunity to try some new things and use some new skills. I work with many open, funny, sensitive, and dedicated people. My financial health is better than it has ever been. Ten years ago, fifteen years ago, thirty years ago I didn't think this was possible. The work has led to experiences I would never have thought possible for me, and has enabled me to own a home that is mine. Work takes too much time away from what I would love to be doing, but I am balancing enough to fit in those activities, too. Writing, creating, spending time with my people get somewhat short-changed, but I find a way to squeeze in bits and pieces.

- I am creating and trying new things. In the past couple years I have: taken a Project Management course, started Tai Chi, joined Toastmasters, became a member of an employee engagement network at my work, taken a course geared toward writing my autobiography, became a repeat student at Improv classes (and will join again in November when this busy fall period settles down), began regular meditation and living more spiritually, completed the Story of Edward and Bertha Tronnes,  started the Jens and Emma Story, developed an outline for a book and starting jotting the first chapter down, completed a few photo albums, walked in the Relay for Life a number of times, provided peer counselling for other colorectal cancer patients, and I've had fun doing it all.

- I have connected in a deeper way with the people in my life. I am so blessed to have the family, friends, and co-workers that I do. I have more fulfilling relationships with my seven siblings and have made friends with numerous cousins. I have both old and new friends that I cherish. I have made contact with people I let slip out of my life. I am getting to know cousins that used to be just names in my large family tree. I work with a great group of people, both my 'immediate' team and the larger employee population. I trust more easily and let more people in. I laugh more easily with all my people. I cry more easily with all my people.

Anniversary time. A time for reflection. A time for celebration. A time for facing the future with joy and expectation and excitement. A time for wanting......something. The time battle will continue because there is no way to fit it all in - but I am fitting in what I can. I am grateful that my journey has led me to this place. I am living the dream because I am living.

Up and Down, Around and Around

I slept well last night, stayed in bed as long as I wanted, got up refreshed, and looked forward to today. I did a few chores, ate breakfast, had a shower, played on the computer and left the house. I did my 'running around' chores, came home, had lunch. I was relaxed and felt satisfied with my morning. What to do with the afternoon? I mulled through the 'should do this' and 'should do that' and 'want to do this' and 'want to do that'. I couldn't decide. I watched the noon news and spent the afternoon watching TV.

That is not what I wanted to do, nor did it fit into the 'should' category. I just did it. By late afternoon, I was restless and crabby. But why? I spent the afternoon relaxing, doing nothing, which is something I often crave in my busy life. I even snuck a short nap in. As I felt the frustration grow, I needed to take a few minutes to crawl into my brain. What was I doing and what was I thinking that changed my attitude in a few hours? I don't remember what I watched on TV; it was just noise in the background to keep me company and to keep me away from my own thoughts. I needed to hide out. Well, here's the deal - you just can't hide from your thoughts. They are there, all the time. I chose to live in thoughts of speculation and 'what-if' and fear. Those are not the thoughts I chose to have this morning.

Three things about the up and down, around and around of today:

- I live in the shadow of cancer. This shadow most often pushes me forward, into finding my way through whatever is left of my life. I try to grab it with both hands and squeeze every drop out of the time I have. I spent too many wasted years. I've discovered how to find wonderment and joy just being alive.  Not this afternoon. This afternoon the shadow pushed me backward, into fear. The shadow wanted to play with me and I let it. There's nothing wrong with that because it led me to where I need to be right now, this minute.

- One of my running around chores this morning was a trip to the doctor. Some of the visit was routine, but the main reason I was there is because I have found a lump in my groin. Going to the doctor made the lump real; I was hoping I was imagining the lump. And I'm scared. This afternoon I tried to hide from my fear; it didn't work. I've spent an hour acknowledging that fear and I'm feeling hopeful and excited again. The lump will be whatever it will be. Something. Nothing. Whatever it is, it's there. I don't know today and I won't know for awhile. I'll deal with the something or the nothing when the time comes.

- The bigger realization for me late today is that I'm living a lie. I've done this before - trying to force myself into something that isn't meant for me. Whether a relationship, a lifestyle, a job - I have forced myself to keep trying and trying and trying to make something 'work', becoming more disconnected from myself. I've learned to not do that, but it still happens. I catch it faster now, though. Cancer reconnected me with myself. I know what I want to do, I know why I am here, I know what my next steps need to be, I know my true self can carry me. It's time.

Hiding from what stalls us in life seems like the easy way out. It is not. It finds ways to destroy us - sickness, addiction, living in fear and isolation, depression, bitterness, death. Each time we hide - and we WILL hide over and over and over to avoid pain - we cut ourselves off from our connection to other people, to love, to joy, to life itself. Poke your head out from under the blankets, even for a minute. The fear will give way to courage. The pain will give way to joy. The emptiness will give way to peace.