Me, Today

Hello, it's been awhile since I've been here. After this long hiatus, I am here today, musing about many things: today's wintery weather, family, music, The Kid, my Mom, friends who are celebrating good news and friends who are suffering, Christmas, my purpose, and wondering how it all comes together. All what? The thoughts that scramble through my brain, too fast to even know what I am truly thinking about, and the place I am in my life, and how I came to be who I am, and where I am going, and my next step. That's all. Whew! Where did all that come from? Why the questioning? Why the uncertainty?

Three things about me, today:

 - I've had some time lately of re-evaluating and of introspection - perhaps too much. I am not sure why I'm in this place of self-doubt and confusion. I spent too many years of my life agonizing about my decisions and never feeling confident I was doing the right thing; and all the while waiting, wanting, longing for something different.  I wasted days and months and years hoping a magic answer would appear to sort me out, a lightning bolt or a good fairy that would bestow unending happiness upon me. I don't think I needed sorting out. I just didn't know what would bring me a measure of contentment and peace. I know now and often have to work to remember that.

- I dislike that obligations keep me from spending my time doing what I love. I know that none are free of obligations. I know when the obligations are over, the time is there and the world is waiting for me. I am free, then, to do what I love and what I want. Time spent procrastinating and complaining, externally and internally, is a waste of my energy. It's tiresome for me and those around me. It takes away my measure of contentment and peace. I know this and I often have to work to remember that.

- I'm often so very lonely deep inside. I miss my people. I have family and friends I see often and our time together is precious. I miss the ones who can't be here. I used to dream of big houses filled with all my people, where everyone was all together. I want to surround myself with ALL my people. It's silly really, and makes me smile to think of everyone in one place. It would never work, I don't think, even for an hour. There would be too much diversity and confusion and noise. I wouldn't like the noise and I wouldn't like that I wasn't really with anyone, because there would be too many at once. I am so very fortunate and blessed to have my many, many people. I know this and I often have to work to remember that.

Here I am today, back at my computer, sharing with you after a longer break that I like. I will continue musing today and tomorrow and the next day. I know where I'm at, how I came to be who I am, where I'm going next, and how to get there. I will keep working at remembering what I have that brings me peace, that the obligations will always be there, and that I have my people. I am sorted out. I miss you. I will see you soon.