Living the Dream

Anniversary time is coming up for me. In a few short days, it will be five years since I started my treatment for rectal cancer - October 22. Tomorrow I have an appointment for a CT scan for a lump I found in my groin during the past summer. I am nervous and scared, but less so than I was before I acknowledged the lump. Who knows, ever, what the next year, the next day, the next moment will bring?

I have been busy these past weeks. I have been working at keeping balanced with busy and slowing down to savour life. Today I'm not sure what I will do. I'm just home from a wonderful trip to Nova Scotia to visit Sister Two. I haven't been to her house for thirty-one years! How often we let life get in the way of what is important. Circumstances did not allow me to make the journey sooner, and I have some regret and strange longings at letting so very much time go by. Tomorrow I return to work. The time crunch plays at my mind and emotions once again. As I struggle today with not wanting to return to work, I question why I continue to have this fight within myself. This is a choice I've made. I blame the food, shelter, and clothing thing for getting in the way of what I truly want to do. This is not entirely true. I love parts of my job, and like most of it, and there are only a very few things about my work that I dislike. I just want more time - more time, more time, more time - to do it all. Many of you have listened to me and read through this rant before. In my battle this morning, I had to admit that I am living the dream despite being unable to be free of work and commitments.  No one is free of those, even if the work involved is not the standard show up and get paid scenario.

Three ways I'm living the dream:

- I have a job that I enjoy. I have been given an opportunity to try some new things and use some new skills. I work with many open, funny, sensitive, and dedicated people. My financial health is better than it has ever been. Ten years ago, fifteen years ago, thirty years ago I didn't think this was possible. The work has led to experiences I would never have thought possible for me, and has enabled me to own a home that is mine. Work takes too much time away from what I would love to be doing, but I am balancing enough to fit in those activities, too. Writing, creating, spending time with my people get somewhat short-changed, but I find a way to squeeze in bits and pieces.

- I am creating and trying new things. In the past couple years I have: taken a Project Management course, started Tai Chi, joined Toastmasters, became a member of an employee engagement network at my work, taken a course geared toward writing my autobiography, became a repeat student at Improv classes (and will join again in November when this busy fall period settles down), began regular meditation and living more spiritually, completed the Story of Edward and Bertha Tronnes,  started the Jens and Emma Story, developed an outline for a book and starting jotting the first chapter down, completed a few photo albums, walked in the Relay for Life a number of times, provided peer counselling for other colorectal cancer patients, and I've had fun doing it all.

- I have connected in a deeper way with the people in my life. I am so blessed to have the family, friends, and co-workers that I do. I have more fulfilling relationships with my seven siblings and have made friends with numerous cousins. I have both old and new friends that I cherish. I have made contact with people I let slip out of my life. I am getting to know cousins that used to be just names in my large family tree. I work with a great group of people, both my 'immediate' team and the larger employee population. I trust more easily and let more people in. I laugh more easily with all my people. I cry more easily with all my people.

Anniversary time. A time for reflection. A time for celebration. A time for facing the future with joy and expectation and excitement. A time for wanting......something. The time battle will continue because there is no way to fit it all in - but I am fitting in what I can. I am grateful that my journey has led me to this place. I am living the dream because I am living.