Welcoming My Self Back

The break is over. I think. I hope. I decided to take a wee break from my writing. I wanted to sort out what I was doing with this blog, and why. I wanted to sort out what I was doing with my book, and why. I wanted to sort out what my plans were for my family history writing ( I know the why for that one). The wee break turned into weeks and now it's been months. I still don't know what I'm doing with all this, nor why. I've missed it, though.

Three things about me, today:

- The break from writing, which is one of my biggest soul-feeders, turned into a break from many other parts of my life. Soon I was back to the person I used to be: not moving enough (literally and figuratively), too much coffee, too many cigarettes, not enough sleep, general grumpiness and dissatisfaction. I wasn't feeding my soul often enough and it was a stretch to find the joy. I somehow chose this, without even realizing it. I don't like this. I can and will change it, fix it, get back to my best spiritual self. I know the things I need to do to make that happen.

- Today is the first day of a new year. I'm not big on resolutions - they are too easily broken. Resolutions for me are a way of living, with the quiet acceptance and gratitude that I will get to where I want to be, where I need to be, if I just keep moving and growing and being open. Today I wrote the dates from last year's calendar into this year's brand new one. As I flipped pages, I came across birthdays for three people in my life who died this year. I struggled with this a lot over the past couple hours. A dear friend, with whom I lost contact for many years, had reconnected with me a couple years ago. She was full of life and laughter and spirituality. She died after a second battle with cancer; one she lost. A colleague was killed in an accident in late June. I can't say we were friends, but there were connections between us - a few days apart in age, knowing people in common outside of work, living in the same small town for awhile (although not at the same time). He loved to laugh, he truly grabbed life by the horns and wrestled it down. My dear almost-life-long friend, who died this past fall after suffering with pain for much of her life. She, too, loved to laugh and could find the funny side to all situations and loved her people fiercely. I am still grieving for these three people, and realized this morning I am grieving silently and alone. I miss them and I can not cry. I want to cry, I need to cry.

- There is a connection between my break and to my unresolved grief, between my lack of self-care & soul-feeding and to my unresolved grief. There is a connection between these three people I've lost, a connection beyond that each knew me, but were unaware of the others. The love of laughter that was such a core part of each of them slaps me in the face as I face my grief and pain and loneliness.

The break is over. I think. I hope. I'm moving on and am now once again holding my people, both dead and alive, close to my heart. I am ready again to hold myself close to my heart. The steps to joy are right in front of me. One step at a time, keep moving, keep growing, keep loving, keep myself open to all the pain and all the joy. One step. This is the first one.

Time Flies Out of the Clock

I heard this morning that a small coffee shop in Calgary is closing its' doors next month. The news makes me sad and sent me on a flying trip down memory lane. You see, I spent time in this little restaurant when I was going through my chemo and radiation treatment. This tiny spot, with less than a dozen tables was a place of sanity for me, a place where I could pretend in my head that THE CANCER was not happening. The food was good, and simple. A bonus for my family: they would sometimes have porcupines on the menu. Porcupines so much like my Mom used to make - meatballs with rice and tomato sauce. And they called them porcupines, just like we do! A touch of home and a touch of sanity outside the daily routine of dragging myself from the hostel to the radiation centre, outside the rest-of-the-time reality of sitting for hours waiting for my chemo baby bottle to be changed, wondering if I would survive, feeling so very tired, fighting itchy, blistered hands and feet, swollen eyes and swollen face. Central Grounds is where I first met The Little One, my great-nephew, only a few weeks old, smiling up at our adult faces and giving me hope. My usual order was an egg scrambled with spinach served on a baking powder biscuit, and maybe a cup of decaf if my stomach was behaving that day. I couldn't face trying the porcupines, and that made me sad. Brief times spent here with various members of my family, laughing, talking, eating, with them making sure I was loved and supported.

Not so very long ago, someone made a comment to me about how often I spoke of my cancer. I don't remember the exact words, but it was a comment to challenge me about living in the past and not getting beyond my cancer. I was very hurt, but I knew this person did not understand. And she was right - - I do talk about it often and my life in my mind is firmly divided between by before-cancer-life and my after-cancer-life. I'm sure this lady had no intention for making me feel bad. It was honest feedback, and I did need to spend some time thinking about what she had said. Perceptions of others could easily be coloured by my speaking of my cancer. I came to realize that if others believe I am in living in the past or can't "get over" my cancer experience or think I'm looking for a break or favouritism or sympathy because I talk about it, then that is their road. I decided I would not filter my thoughts, emotions, beliefs about cancer, about life, about myself because someone else is uncomfortable. I truly do not want to bore people or have them roll their eyes with a "Here she goes again" shrug. My life lessons from this life changing year need to be shared. I'm sorry if that makes anyone uncomfortable, angry, frustrated. But I won't and can't quit exposing myself. I trust that some days what I am saying makes a positive impact on one person, if even for a brief glimmer of a second.

There are no "three things' today, listed here for you to mull over. Eight years ago I was just off work, waiting for treatment to start, scared, angry, surrounded by others but yet alone. I was waiting for a previously planned trip to Toronto; it would be my first trip there and most days I thought it would be my last. Seven years ago I was just back to work, struggling to have the energy to work four hours a day and excited about a "being alive" party that my family was planning for me. Last year I was fighting my own emotions through one of the hardest times I've ever had at my job, and waiting to go on my first ever trip to California, where I had a different type of life-changing experience at 'meditation boot camp' at the Chopra Center.

I need to remember. I need to make the connections of why I am still here and how each event in my life played into today. I, like you, am here for one very important reason - to serve others. The rest of it is gravy, a bonus. I walk my way towards each day, growing in spiritual, intellectual, emotional leaps and bounds or growing in minute baby steps as I sort out my life. The coffee shop is closing; I hope to get there one more time before the doors are shut. I may not. It will be there forever in my mind as a place of sanity and reality during the very real horrors of cancer treatment. It will be there forever in my mind as the place where I first laid eyes on The Little One, who is an old soul and wise beyond his years, where I first held The Little One who told his Mom recently "Time flies out of the clock". And it does. I live for each day with my opportunity to have this most important do-over, with the before-cancer and after-cancer years as different times in my very different life. Time flies out of the clock. Take advantage of the time you have. Be who you are. Reach out. Love, laugh, sing, cry, scream, but LIVE!! Time flies out of the clock. It does. It does. Thank you, Little One.

Dear Mom, How are you? I am fine

Remember when I used to start letters like this You always encouraged me to be a little more interesting in my opening remarks. You stood by me and helped me as I wrote letters, school assignments, poems, essays, stories, and just stuff. I'm writing more again now, Mom. And today, I'm writing to you.

Three things about your family:

- We are all fine. Really. We've grown and bent and changed and are becoming who we are supposed to be. We went through some tough times, and I know more tough times will come. You were always proud of us, even in our darkest times, standing behind us, encouraging us and letting us lean on you, and hiding your tears when we stumbled. You were there to help us get up when you could. Sometimes, I see now, you had to give in, but you never gave up. Neither have we. You were proud then and you would be proud now. It's hard to realize that all of us are now older than Dad when he died, and so are most of your grandchildren. Your kids and your kids kids have found their way in the world. Your great grand-kids are on their way, testing the waters of life. The foundations you laid are holding strong for yet another generation. Thank you for the foundations, thank you for giving us the freedom to build our own structures, thank you for never turning your back.

- We stay in touch. We love each other, tease each other, laugh at each other, laugh at ourselves, we cry together, we hug each other lots now - even the boys. Sometimes the boys even hug each other. We get together when we can. Life gets in the way sometimes and for most of us, we don't see each other as often as we'd like. But when we can find the opportunity, we spend time together, in ones and twos and fours, and an occasional eight or twelve or an even rarer twenty-five. Thank you for teaching us, showing us, instilling in us this great love of family we all carry.

- We have reached out and stayed in touch with the cousins, too, on both sides of the family. We've had reunions, planned and unplanned. The electronic world has connected us to those far away, on the other side of the country and on the other side of the continent and on the other side of the world. We share stories and memories and try to fill in the blanks. We see the line of generations flowing back and we see the flow going forward. What some call coincidence led Sister 3 to Kay and Dinah, and Kay and Dinah led us to Eileen and Bobbi. I don't believe it was coincidence. Some of you 'over there' led us to each other. We will find and connect with more. Those elusive cousins of Dad's are still not found. We now they are there and they will come into our lives, I'm certain. The time is just not the right time. I spend time thinking about how this all fits, and wonder about the pieces of the puzzle we here now will never know. We share memories and find out the neatest things that have carried through generations, that have been carried from one little Alberta town to the entire world. Thank you for giving us each other and opening doors we didn't know existed.

I just wanted to tell you, Mom, but I'm sure you know. I feel you close sometimes. Thank you for never leaving us.

Love, Childy Dear

Life on the Balance Beam

I haven't written as regularly this year. I'm not entirely sure why. Part of it it "Where am I going with this?" and part of it is letting other things eat into my time. The words are almost always there, in my head, spinning about and crashing into each other. I've been living more analytically in many respects but yet living from a more spiritual and feelings based perspective. Another paradox. I struggle with balance. Yin and yang, up and down, work and play, forth and back.

Three things about opposing forces:

- They will always always always be there. Tao literature tells me that we need both. How would we know short if we didn't see tall? How would we know happy if we didn't feel sad? I understand that on a logical and an emotional level. I'm not so sure I understand that on a spiritual level. Do I need to? Right now, yes. As I continue this walk of self-exploration to make sense of my life, I have a need to find spiritual meaning. I know I can't make sense of everything but I know in my soul that when I find that place that is trusting and at peace, I soar. Sometimes momentarily, sometimes for long periods.

- Growth happens when opposing ideas and forces battle. I believe this is true for individuals, for relationships, for our Selves. The strides I take as the brain-battles go on and on move me toward a place of resolution and more soulfulness, more wholeness. And a new battle starts. I disagree with The Kid or a friend or a sibling; words are said and feelings laid out bare and open. Reconciliation happens and we understand each other better. I can't say we love each other MORE but perhaps love more deeply.

- Nothing is black and white. Each picture has shades of gray, glimpses of colour, hidden shadows. Every situation, each relationship, all things natural, have nuances that makes life full and complicated and beautiful. (I think it's kind of hilarious that I chose black and white to illustrate that nothing is static, solid, the way things are. My subconscious choice of using the terms black and white further illustrates the need to compare to understand). Often I just want black or white.

What then of my analytical versus spiritual and how that piece of my internal opposing forces fits with my writing? I don't know. I do know I am learning to embrace my analytical and my spiritual, my emotional and my logical. I know I am compelled to write and do so. If cleaning house or laughing with my people or any one of the five zillion other things I could do takes precedence over my writing time, then it is not time to write. Where am I going with this? "This" being my writing in general, whether this blog, my off-line writing, or my family history. I don't know that either. I know I will write some days. I know I will not write some days. I know that the balance I so desperately want is here, within me, in both my soul and in my brain. And as opposite as soul and brain appear, they are too intertwined to separate. That is what I needed to learn today, that is what I needed to say today.

Space, the Final Frontier

The Kid and I moved things from one storage facility to another last week. The new one is just a tad bigger (we think) and a whole lot cheaper. It is a continuing struggle for us to get our home in order. It seems kind of crazy; she has been home from her Half Way Around The World move for over a year, and yet we can't quite get our home how we want. We don't have enough space, really, for two grown women with different tastes. We are managing though, but neither of us is completely satisfied. There are things about our space that drive me nuts and things that drive her nuts. They are not the same thing. We work at making compromises and trying to give each other space. Some days we are more successful than others.

Three things about the space we try to share:

- The physical space is for me the most trying. We each have special treasures we want out for all the world to see. All the world is much smaller for both of us right now, as we seldom have people to our home. We are waiting for that magic day when we feel the space is presentable enough. It almost is. We don't look as much like hoarders now. Our look in now more the-ladies-who-don't-put-stuff-away. We do. We do put stuff away. All that is left out has no place to go. We try to sort and organize and give away. Our values may match but our decorating styles and our need for items that bring us comfort do not.

- We work at giving each other enough space in the "Give me some space" way. We are often physically crowded in this 900 square foot condo. That makes it easy to encroach on each others' lives. I love and hate this part. It has made us very close. It has made us friends. It has created a firm and unbreakable bond.. What I hate is we each expect a sharing of lives and lifestyles and advice-giving and needing to know the details that the other can not, will not, should not share. Neither of us is very good at recognizing the boundaries during times of stress.

- Our changing moods, as two women who live together, creates some difficult moments and difficult days. We are usually open and sensitive about the others "head space". The times and days we each think our own needs, feelings, mood is more important are our really rough days. Really, both are equally important. I some home crabby and tired and stressed and in a bad head space. She comes home happy, at peace, bubbling, energetic and in a good head space. I only want to vent and want empathy. She only wants to share her joy and excitement. This good-mood/bad-mood changes often. The days when we both are crabby and want venting and empathy - oh, those can be scary days. We work it through.

We are continually learning from each other, The Kid and I. We don't often recognize it as such. As it is with life and other relationships, the learning, the message, the growth is shown to us in retrospect. Space - physical, mental, emotional, spiritual - is what binds each of us to another, to our life spirit, to peace, to joy. Space is truly the final frontier.

Soul Food. Soul Music. Merry Old Soul.

Laughter. Nature. Music. Play. Helping Others. These are just a few ways I feed my soul. I believe they are universal soul-feeders.

Three things about feeding my soul:

- I first had to decide, admit, believe I had a soul. To do that I had to believe there is something greater than myself. I spent much of my life fighting this. It seemed far easier to not believe. By not believing, I didn't have to take responsibility for any of the crappy things in my life. I could blame others, blame situations, live life unhappy and miserable while knowing that that is how life is: unfair. Some people were lucky and I wasn't. Mostly though, I spent energy and wasted time blaming myself. If only I was smarter, richer, prettier, funnier, healthier; if only I was someone and something else, the luck would come my way and I could have it all. Work harder. Try harder. Give up. Wish. Dream. Work. Try. Resent. Try. Give up. Very rarely did I act. Never did I rely on faith - faith in myself, in someone else, in God.

-  Once I quit trying to define soul I found it. There is it was: guiding me, creating me, finding me, becoming me. Soul is undefinable. Soul is your own definition. Soul is intangible. Soul is universal. My pursuit of my own soul and how to nurture it, water it, feed it, allow it to be unfolded gradually. Most of the time I wasn't even aware it was being revealed. Only in looking back do I see how it came to be and grew. Only in looking back have I realized it was always there.

- Once I admitted I had a soul and once I quit trying to define, all these wondrous paths opened up that feed my soul, create my peace, bring me purpose. I have to pay attention to my soul, and remember to do those things, find those people, take the time to be still, make those opportunities to feed my soul. When I feed my soul, I am at peace, I am complete, I am in joy.

I wish I could be in a state of continual soul-feeding. I don't believe we are built that way. I believe we have to struggle in order to release. With each struggle, each release, the spark grows stronger. I can more easily feed my soul and I find more and more ways to feed my soul. Why did it take me so long? No matter. I am here now and I know some tools, some ways, some "tricks" to feed my soul. They are there for all of us to use whenever we can, whenever we need. Reach out. It will come.

Who Am I?

I stare at the pictures on my computer screen and search for myself in their faces. My great-grandmother, my grandmother, my mother. Karen to Emma to Edna to Kelly. I see some resemblances. Who were they, these women that came before me?  What made them laugh? Made them cry? What fed their souls? I look for me in my daughter. Five generations of women stare back at me from the screen. Who am I?

I begin each meditation with some simple questions. One of them is "Who am I?" I throw the question out there for God (the universe, the spirit, the force, etcetera) to answer. Whisper the answer quietly to me. Let me know, please. Let me be certain of who I am.

Three things about my search for my Self:

- I am a mother, a sister, an aunt, a friend, a daughter, a confidant, a family historian, a loyal employee. I've been a wife, a lover. I am my life roles.

- I am a project manager, a Toastmaster, a sometimes Improv player, a sometimes Tai Chi participant, a writer. I've been a waitress, a Dietary Technologist, a restaurant cook, a restaurant manager, a basketball and baseball player, a student. I am my life activities.

- I am loving, compassionate, witty, intelligent, kind, impatient, quick to judge, confusing and confused, shy, introverted, passionate. I've been angry, rejected and rejecting, fighting, running.  I am my life qualities.

I am all of these. I am my fore-mothers. I am part of nature, part of soul, part of God. I am learning, growing, finding, searching, reaching, striving always to BE. I am you.