The snow outside my window is slowing melting, giving way to brown grass and dirt underneath. I want it to hurry up - hurry and melt and give way to the promise of spring and new life. We've had a long winter in my part of the world. The temperature has been milder 'over all' than many of our winters, but we are now at five and a half months of snow on the ground. The last of the snow and ice will be here past the six months mark. That's far too long: too many days of snow, heavy winter coats, scraping car windows, short hours of daylight, days of cloud and gray skies. I'm tired of it. This winter hit me hard. I became my winter self. I did try to fight it, for awhile, but gave in to being that cold, gray, stormy person. I know the way out of this but chose to not fight. I'm not sure why - it just seemed too hard. Rather than taking control, I waited for the magic to transform my world. It didn't happen. While waiting for the magic I hurt myself, and worse, I hurt other people. Today there is hope of spring in the air. The magic is coming.
I've written of and spoken of reclaiming myself. This week I realized it is not reclaiming myself that is my mission and purpose, but reclaiming my self. I know deep within my core, my soul, my heart that my self is there and always has been. Reactions to my life circumstances caused me to bury that self for many years; I believe we all do this. I've been given a second chance to live, to be that self. I have a do-over. Will I do it perfectly? No. Will I hurt myself and others? Yes. Will I struggle, fall down, have days of wanting to give up and give in? Certainly! Will I keep getting back up, brush myself off, and move forward? Definitely.
Three things that my self knows:
- I have a purpose here. We all do. Determining what our purpose is requires soul-searching and finding those moments that bring absolute joy and peace. Often it seems easier to turn off the switch and focus on the expectations of others; to try to live within the boundaries set by family, community, our work places; to live a life as written by external forces. These may align with our self and our purpose at times. Growth comes at those times we are not aligned and in tune with the external. What doesn't feel right? Why? Where do you go from here? Answering these questions will move you toward finding your purpose.
- Circumstances change. My self doesn't. My self is an unchanging rock connected to the intangible. Your self is there for you to discover and rediscover, many times over. Standing up for your self, finding that connection, and knowing peace and joy is difficult. For some, it becomes too overwhelming and they spend their lives disconnected from their own self. We all know those people. We judge them or pity them or become angry with them. It is so very hard not to react to them. We grow tired of seeing them hurt themselves and others. Knowing your self and knowing you are that rock takes times of confidence, times of pain, times of doubt, times of back-tracking, times of certainty. Each time I feel knocked down, discouraged, and in pain, I now know that my self is there on the other side, waiting for me to return. Yours is, too.
- My self is intimately connected to others. I have work to do to let them in, to accept them just as they are, to know the connection is sometimes painful and sometimes soul-feeding. We cannot function without allowing our people to be part of our lives. Finding common ground with those who are not aligned with our purpose is more than difficult; it can be impossible. There are those we know hurt our selves and it is okay to walk away from them. We live every day with people who don't support us, don't know or understand us (or even want to) that still must be a part of our lives. Finding compromises to interact with them is exhausting. Remember your own self is that rock. You are strongest in moments of weakness. My people keep me going, give me hope. Find your people. Let them in.
Winter will pass. The snow will melt. Green grass and leaves return. My self knows this. I've survived another winter, without and within.
Sunday, March 31, 2013
Sunday, February 17, 2013
Taking Stock and Chicken Stock
I've spent the last week laid low with a bout of bronchitis coupled with a sinus infection. Since my meet and greet with cancer five years ago, I've been healthy, with hardly even a cold. This downward spiral with my health actually started about six weeks ago. I was hit with a norovirus and that wore me down. The stomach bug only lasted a couple days but it was quickly followed by a sore throat that came and went, and a cold that I couldn't quite shake. And then, WHAM, last weekend the other infections took hold and settled in. Being sick and by myself, I let myself become morose and felt so very sorry for myself. I didn't have a can of soup or a drop of broth in the house. Friends asked if I needed anything. I was tough enough to say no. I know better than that; I have learned to ask for help when I need help. It's a hard thing to do and I didn't do that this week, this month, or this year.
The weeks leading up to this recent illness were filled with stressors, both in my work life and in some areas of my personal life. I reverted to old coping mechanisms that I KNOW are counter-productive. I had lost sight of myself and all the ways I've grown, and couldn't remember how to function under stress. It slipped in without my even being aware of it, somehow. After all, the stress was not one big life-changing event but many smaller things going on around me. Most of those things weren't even in my life, but events and happenings affecting other people. I reacted, because I couldn't fix anything for anyone. I could not fix the things that were directly affecting me. Decisions were made at levels and by people I couldn't influence. I had lost my magic wand. I chose to react to one minor change in my life and focused on that with negativity. All my thoughts and energy were used to concentrate on perceived unfairness. It was easier to do that than to accept that I couldn't fix people's pain and easier to do that than let go of others' decisions. I lost my resilience, at emotional and intellectual levels, which led to losing my resilience at a physical level.
Three things I relearned while laying on my couch, alone, watching garbage daytime TV and feeling sorry for myself:
- My role is not to fix people or to fix their lives. I can empathize with their pain. I can try to understand. I can listen. I can hug them. I can love them, but I can not fix them or fix their lives.
- I know that I am at a crossroads in my own life. I know I have a decision to make. I know what that decision has to be, to stay true to myself. I have been avoiding and running from this decision for many months. I have let fear hold me back from moving forward. I have work to do to overcome the fear.
- Always keep soup in the cupboard.
I'm recuperating, feeling a bit better each day. Antibiotics and a lot of rest are helping my body fight. Time alone is helping my brain and spirit fight for my sense of self. I am getting myself ready for the next stage, next phase, next step in my life. I had a brief thought this week that I made myself sick. I don't believe I wanted this to happen but I believe I needed to make this happen. In some ways that feels like my old way of crisis-oriented living. It isn't, though. My most inner self knows I needed to stop. I'm feeling a bit better each day. The journey to me and who I am continues, with chicken stock in the cupboard and taking stock in my soul.
The weeks leading up to this recent illness were filled with stressors, both in my work life and in some areas of my personal life. I reverted to old coping mechanisms that I KNOW are counter-productive. I had lost sight of myself and all the ways I've grown, and couldn't remember how to function under stress. It slipped in without my even being aware of it, somehow. After all, the stress was not one big life-changing event but many smaller things going on around me. Most of those things weren't even in my life, but events and happenings affecting other people. I reacted, because I couldn't fix anything for anyone. I could not fix the things that were directly affecting me. Decisions were made at levels and by people I couldn't influence. I had lost my magic wand. I chose to react to one minor change in my life and focused on that with negativity. All my thoughts and energy were used to concentrate on perceived unfairness. It was easier to do that than to accept that I couldn't fix people's pain and easier to do that than let go of others' decisions. I lost my resilience, at emotional and intellectual levels, which led to losing my resilience at a physical level.
Three things I relearned while laying on my couch, alone, watching garbage daytime TV and feeling sorry for myself:
- My role is not to fix people or to fix their lives. I can empathize with their pain. I can try to understand. I can listen. I can hug them. I can love them, but I can not fix them or fix their lives.
- I know that I am at a crossroads in my own life. I know I have a decision to make. I know what that decision has to be, to stay true to myself. I have been avoiding and running from this decision for many months. I have let fear hold me back from moving forward. I have work to do to overcome the fear.
- Always keep soup in the cupboard.
I'm recuperating, feeling a bit better each day. Antibiotics and a lot of rest are helping my body fight. Time alone is helping my brain and spirit fight for my sense of self. I am getting myself ready for the next stage, next phase, next step in my life. I had a brief thought this week that I made myself sick. I don't believe I wanted this to happen but I believe I needed to make this happen. In some ways that feels like my old way of crisis-oriented living. It isn't, though. My most inner self knows I needed to stop. I'm feeling a bit better each day. The journey to me and who I am continues, with chicken stock in the cupboard and taking stock in my soul.
Sunday, January 20, 2013
Lessons From a Generation
We said a final goodbye to my aunt last Saturday. She died just days after her ninetieth birthday, the last surviving sibling of a family of thirteen. There was an outpouring of emotions from her many nieces and nephews; we were all feeling a profound sense of loss as the last of this generation died. This was an exceptionally close family, often gathering in groups of two, three, six, seven. Only once, at their parents 50th anniversary, did all thirteen children gather together. We all grew up knowing our cousins; for many, cousins were extended brothers and sisters. I was the youngest grandchild and didn't have many cousins my same age; I grew up with second cousins mostly. I still knew those older first cousins, and many were like more siblings and in some cases, almost a surrogate parent. My last maternal aunt is gone. (I have one remaining paternal aunt-in-law.) The tears we cried were not for my aunt, but for us and for the changes time brings. We are the oldsters now.
Three things, of many, I learned from my aunt and her siblings:
- The value of education, learning, and perseverance. This family struggled to ensure that all were fed and clothed. Poverty was a way of life. Each of the thirteen found some measure of success and most were able to rise above the humble financial beginnings. My great-grandparents came to Canada to provide a better life for their families, to give them a chance that they could not find in their native Norway. The Thirteen overcame difficulties and found a way to go to school and find work. This often meant moving away, far away from the home nest, and forging a life that would be better for THEIR kids. I saw this lesson played out in my generation as aunts, uncles, cousins, opened their doors and their lives to have a cousin or niece or nephew live with them as they went to school or got their footing in a new town, a new job. The Thirteen struggled, and none were rich, but they passed this message along in such a deep way that it is a core value. Many of my generation, while not rich, are successful. Many of The Thirteen were avid readers and loved crossword puzzles and the fun of the English language. I see this same love of learning, of language, of word play with my cousins.
- Thrift and enjoyment of what you have. This was the generation that truly understood what recycling means. Pieces of tin foil and waxed paper carefully folded and reused, reworking clothes for another use or another child, cutting buttons off to be sewn onto another garment once the original was beyond repair, cutting paper-thin and worn out clothes into rags. Nothing was wasted and everything was reused. Growing up in poverty and surviving the depression may have forced this onto them, but the same habits continued after life became easier. I get sad when I think what a throw-away society we have become, and how we "need" the newest car, newest electronic toy, how we crumple up the Christmas wrapping and throw it all away. Along with the thrift, the true appreciation of what they had was something to admire. Striving for a better life, yes, but not often regretting the lives they had.
- A love of laughter and family. The deep bonds were so inherent with this generation that we gathered last week, knowing an era has ended, but reconnecting with cousins seldom seen to know our place, our history, our own selves. As we gathered last week, the focus was this family. Many who couldn't be there expressed their love of family through emails and through Facebook. The Thirteen loved to laugh and could laugh at all situations. There were problems, serious problems, but The Thirteen could cry and laugh and join in shared emotion to make everything seem all right, even during the times when things were far from 'all right'. This lesson continues; we gather now as grown cousins and we laugh and we laugh and we laugh. Nothing is so serious that we can't see the ridiculous. We possess an intelligent humour and carry with us the love of a good pun, a good story, a well-placed comeback. We laugh at ourselves, we laugh at each other, we laugh at others. We trade stories and we tease each other. We face life defiantly, knowing family and laughter will carry us through the toughest times.
This is an exceptional family and I learned how to live from The Thirteen. It hasn't been easy for me, and it certainly wasn't easy for them. The lessons reveal themselves to me in both stunning realizations and in little nudges to my brain. Through it all, I try to remember to laugh and to reach out to my family. Family is the truly the most important and steadfast blessing in my life. I will miss my aunt, as I miss my Mom and her siblings, but I will never forget how she and her siblings shaped my life and the lessons they taught me. I hope I can be an oldster as magnificent as you. Thank you.
Three things, of many, I learned from my aunt and her siblings:
- The value of education, learning, and perseverance. This family struggled to ensure that all were fed and clothed. Poverty was a way of life. Each of the thirteen found some measure of success and most were able to rise above the humble financial beginnings. My great-grandparents came to Canada to provide a better life for their families, to give them a chance that they could not find in their native Norway. The Thirteen overcame difficulties and found a way to go to school and find work. This often meant moving away, far away from the home nest, and forging a life that would be better for THEIR kids. I saw this lesson played out in my generation as aunts, uncles, cousins, opened their doors and their lives to have a cousin or niece or nephew live with them as they went to school or got their footing in a new town, a new job. The Thirteen struggled, and none were rich, but they passed this message along in such a deep way that it is a core value. Many of my generation, while not rich, are successful. Many of The Thirteen were avid readers and loved crossword puzzles and the fun of the English language. I see this same love of learning, of language, of word play with my cousins.
- Thrift and enjoyment of what you have. This was the generation that truly understood what recycling means. Pieces of tin foil and waxed paper carefully folded and reused, reworking clothes for another use or another child, cutting buttons off to be sewn onto another garment once the original was beyond repair, cutting paper-thin and worn out clothes into rags. Nothing was wasted and everything was reused. Growing up in poverty and surviving the depression may have forced this onto them, but the same habits continued after life became easier. I get sad when I think what a throw-away society we have become, and how we "need" the newest car, newest electronic toy, how we crumple up the Christmas wrapping and throw it all away. Along with the thrift, the true appreciation of what they had was something to admire. Striving for a better life, yes, but not often regretting the lives they had.
- A love of laughter and family. The deep bonds were so inherent with this generation that we gathered last week, knowing an era has ended, but reconnecting with cousins seldom seen to know our place, our history, our own selves. As we gathered last week, the focus was this family. Many who couldn't be there expressed their love of family through emails and through Facebook. The Thirteen loved to laugh and could laugh at all situations. There were problems, serious problems, but The Thirteen could cry and laugh and join in shared emotion to make everything seem all right, even during the times when things were far from 'all right'. This lesson continues; we gather now as grown cousins and we laugh and we laugh and we laugh. Nothing is so serious that we can't see the ridiculous. We possess an intelligent humour and carry with us the love of a good pun, a good story, a well-placed comeback. We laugh at ourselves, we laugh at each other, we laugh at others. We trade stories and we tease each other. We face life defiantly, knowing family and laughter will carry us through the toughest times.
This is an exceptional family and I learned how to live from The Thirteen. It hasn't been easy for me, and it certainly wasn't easy for them. The lessons reveal themselves to me in both stunning realizations and in little nudges to my brain. Through it all, I try to remember to laugh and to reach out to my family. Family is the truly the most important and steadfast blessing in my life. I will miss my aunt, as I miss my Mom and her siblings, but I will never forget how she and her siblings shaped my life and the lessons they taught me. I hope I can be an oldster as magnificent as you. Thank you.
Saturday, December 22, 2012
Me, Today
Hello, it's been awhile since I've been here. After this long hiatus, I am here today, musing about many things: today's wintery weather, family, music, The Kid, my Mom, friends who are celebrating good news and friends who are suffering, Christmas, my purpose, and wondering how it all comes together. All what? The thoughts that scramble through my brain, too fast to even know what I am truly thinking about, and the place I am in my life, and how I came to be who I am, and where I am going, and my next step. That's all. Whew! Where did all that come from? Why the questioning? Why the uncertainty?
Three things about me, today:
- I've had some time lately of re-evaluating and of introspection - perhaps too much. I am not sure why I'm in this place of self-doubt and confusion. I spent too many years of my life agonizing about my decisions and never feeling confident I was doing the right thing; and all the while waiting, wanting, longing for something different. I wasted days and months and years hoping a magic answer would appear to sort me out, a lightning bolt or a good fairy that would bestow unending happiness upon me. I don't think I needed sorting out. I just didn't know what would bring me a measure of contentment and peace. I know now and often have to work to remember that.
- I dislike that obligations keep me from spending my time doing what I love. I know that none are free of obligations. I know when the obligations are over, the time is there and the world is waiting for me. I am free, then, to do what I love and what I want. Time spent procrastinating and complaining, externally and internally, is a waste of my energy. It's tiresome for me and those around me. It takes away my measure of contentment and peace. I know this and I often have to work to remember that.
- I'm often so very lonely deep inside. I miss my people. I have family and friends I see often and our time together is precious. I miss the ones who can't be here. I used to dream of big houses filled with all my people, where everyone was all together. I want to surround myself with ALL my people. It's silly really, and makes me smile to think of everyone in one place. It would never work, I don't think, even for an hour. There would be too much diversity and confusion and noise. I wouldn't like the noise and I wouldn't like that I wasn't really with anyone, because there would be too many at once. I am so very fortunate and blessed to have my many, many people. I know this and I often have to work to remember that.
Here I am today, back at my computer, sharing with you after a longer break that I like. I will continue musing today and tomorrow and the next day. I know where I'm at, how I came to be who I am, where I'm going next, and how to get there. I will keep working at remembering what I have that brings me peace, that the obligations will always be there, and that I have my people. I am sorted out. I miss you. I will see you soon.
Three things about me, today:
- I've had some time lately of re-evaluating and of introspection - perhaps too much. I am not sure why I'm in this place of self-doubt and confusion. I spent too many years of my life agonizing about my decisions and never feeling confident I was doing the right thing; and all the while waiting, wanting, longing for something different. I wasted days and months and years hoping a magic answer would appear to sort me out, a lightning bolt or a good fairy that would bestow unending happiness upon me. I don't think I needed sorting out. I just didn't know what would bring me a measure of contentment and peace. I know now and often have to work to remember that.
- I dislike that obligations keep me from spending my time doing what I love. I know that none are free of obligations. I know when the obligations are over, the time is there and the world is waiting for me. I am free, then, to do what I love and what I want. Time spent procrastinating and complaining, externally and internally, is a waste of my energy. It's tiresome for me and those around me. It takes away my measure of contentment and peace. I know this and I often have to work to remember that.
- I'm often so very lonely deep inside. I miss my people. I have family and friends I see often and our time together is precious. I miss the ones who can't be here. I used to dream of big houses filled with all my people, where everyone was all together. I want to surround myself with ALL my people. It's silly really, and makes me smile to think of everyone in one place. It would never work, I don't think, even for an hour. There would be too much diversity and confusion and noise. I wouldn't like the noise and I wouldn't like that I wasn't really with anyone, because there would be too many at once. I am so very fortunate and blessed to have my many, many people. I know this and I often have to work to remember that.
Here I am today, back at my computer, sharing with you after a longer break that I like. I will continue musing today and tomorrow and the next day. I know where I'm at, how I came to be who I am, where I'm going next, and how to get there. I will keep working at remembering what I have that brings me peace, that the obligations will always be there, and that I have my people. I am sorted out. I miss you. I will see you soon.
Monday, November 12, 2012
Door Number One or Door Number Two?
Sometimes I wonder if I think too much. I wonder if my thought patterns are normal, and if others think the same way. My thoughts are usually well-formed words, sentences, paragraphs, as if I'm writing. I don't think in shapes or images or colour. My mind runs in black and white words that jump from one unseemingly connected subject to the next. Today as I was getting chores done, my mind was thinking/writing about sunshine and its' effect on me; about Remembrance Day, sacrifice, and how choices we make mean something is sacrificed; how those sacrifices seem small compared to war-time choices; about my special family and how I often ache to be with them; about loneliness; about my choice to be alone at this time in my life, having left some unfulfilling and damaging relationships in my past; about the change of seasons; about how this time of year is birthday season (many of my people have winter birthdays) which led to thoughts about how this time of year is also death season (many of my people have died in winter); about what I want and need and how I can get there, which led to wondering what others want and need and how I can help them find it. All of these thoughts were writings in my mind.
So what is today's blog really about? Is it about the thought process? Is it about my thoughts? Is it about any of the emotionally-charged thoughts that raced through my brain as I went about my chores? I don't know, really, what it is about. Perhaps choices is the real topic du jour.
Three things about choice:
- We choose our thoughts whether we are aware of that or not. We react to our thoughts. Our thoughts create more thoughts, more feelings, more emotions, and more thoughts. Choosing what we think about and what we focus on often seems to happen unbidden. I believe that underneath the random-ness we think is there, is choice, whether conscious or unconscious. (That sentence is a mouthful and grammatically incorrect. I'm choosing to leave it alone). We know we can change our thoughts and reactions. We KNOW it, but we don't remember that when things get tough.
- Choice does involve sacrifice. Oftentimes the sacrifice is small and is something we don't mind giving up, something we wanted out of our lives anyway. However, whatever is on the other side of sacrifice needs to be recognized, acknowledged, and grieved. There are hard, hard choices and decisions sometimes. There are easy done-in-a-minute choices sometimes. One thing that I do is flip a coin. This is sometimes mentally and sometimes literally. Heads is... Tails is... Before the coin stops spinning, you know how you really want the coin to land. I don't recall who first told me this or when, but it works. It may not make doing the choice any easier; there will still be work involved and the aforementioned grief. But you have your answer. You know where your heart and soul lie for that choice.
- Although so much of life is a choice there is something that directs us. All the logic in the world, all your thoughts weighing the pros and cons, all the input you request from others, is being directed. You may think of this direction as fate, as God, as yourself 'working it out', as yourself following your dreams or of doing the right thing, or as good luck or bad luck. Whatever you choose to believe about direction in your life and your choices, it is there. For me personally, it is something greater than myself, and I fight my logic to allow the direction to lead me. It's tough. The direction is where I need to be, to go; being gently led some days and being pushed with force and pain other days. The direction is there.
My thoughts for today, scribbled down quickly, with no analysis or editing, free-flowing from my brain to the keyboard are here for you. You can choose to let them touch you, or not. Your direction will come at the right time.
So what is today's blog really about? Is it about the thought process? Is it about my thoughts? Is it about any of the emotionally-charged thoughts that raced through my brain as I went about my chores? I don't know, really, what it is about. Perhaps choices is the real topic du jour.
Three things about choice:
- We choose our thoughts whether we are aware of that or not. We react to our thoughts. Our thoughts create more thoughts, more feelings, more emotions, and more thoughts. Choosing what we think about and what we focus on often seems to happen unbidden. I believe that underneath the random-ness we think is there, is choice, whether conscious or unconscious. (That sentence is a mouthful and grammatically incorrect. I'm choosing to leave it alone). We know we can change our thoughts and reactions. We KNOW it, but we don't remember that when things get tough.
- Choice does involve sacrifice. Oftentimes the sacrifice is small and is something we don't mind giving up, something we wanted out of our lives anyway. However, whatever is on the other side of sacrifice needs to be recognized, acknowledged, and grieved. There are hard, hard choices and decisions sometimes. There are easy done-in-a-minute choices sometimes. One thing that I do is flip a coin. This is sometimes mentally and sometimes literally. Heads is... Tails is... Before the coin stops spinning, you know how you really want the coin to land. I don't recall who first told me this or when, but it works. It may not make doing the choice any easier; there will still be work involved and the aforementioned grief. But you have your answer. You know where your heart and soul lie for that choice.
- Although so much of life is a choice there is something that directs us. All the logic in the world, all your thoughts weighing the pros and cons, all the input you request from others, is being directed. You may think of this direction as fate, as God, as yourself 'working it out', as yourself following your dreams or of doing the right thing, or as good luck or bad luck. Whatever you choose to believe about direction in your life and your choices, it is there. For me personally, it is something greater than myself, and I fight my logic to allow the direction to lead me. It's tough. The direction is where I need to be, to go; being gently led some days and being pushed with force and pain other days. The direction is there.
My thoughts for today, scribbled down quickly, with no analysis or editing, free-flowing from my brain to the keyboard are here for you. You can choose to let them touch you, or not. Your direction will come at the right time.
Sunday, November 4, 2012
I'll Do It Later
The sun came out today, after two weeks of gray, of snow, of fog. My energy level today was higher than it has been for days. I try to feed my soul and work at not reacting to the weather. It's hard, though. I am wired for sunshine; I think most of us are. I polished off most of my weekly chores in a short amount of time as the sun warmed my house and my soul. As I scrubbed and cleaned, chopped vegetables, put Halloween paraphernalia away, organized and straightened up, I knew there was so much more I could be doing and that I wanted to be doing. I thought of all the things I've been procrastinating about. Some of my put-it-off-until-another-day items have been put off for months. I can't blame the weather for those ones!
Three things that are waiting for me:
- My cupboard door hinge broke months ago. At first, I was anxious to get it fixed. I put off 0going to buy a new hinge because I dread going into any store these days. (More about that 'affliction' another time). I also know I need help to fix this door. People have offered, but I don't have the hinge. As time went by, I kind of liked not having a door on that cupboard. It is certainly easier to get things in and out of a cramped corner cabinet with no door. It looks quite awful, though. It can't be organized enough to look attractive.
- I bought a new computer earlier this year. I have programs I want to load and changes I want to make. I haven't done it yet. I haven't felt like it. It's as simple as that. Changing computers is an exercise in patience. It never goes smoothly for me. I don't know enough about them to fix the little glitches that arise. I haven't felt like it because I don't want to deal with my own frustration and face my own lack of knowledge.
- I have a plan in my head for displaying family pictures and family history information. This is a beautiful mural in my mind. I spent time and money finding frames, wall decorations, paper, and various items to attach things to the wall. I really want to get this done! My excuse for not starting (never mind completing) this is I want someone to help. It's much easier to hang things on walls with a second set of eyes to see what is not straight, what is too close together, what is too high or too low. I haven't asked anyone to help. I've put THAT off because I've decided I need to either wash the walls or paint before I can arrange a helper. Preparing the wall sounds like work.
I have many, many more tasks and chores and projects just waiting for me to decide it's the right time. I haven't told you about the dishwasher that doesn't work or the battery that needs replacing or the organizing of my work room or the unwashed car or the purging of too much stuff in my home. I can't blame any of this on the weather; they've been waiting for many sunny days. I can't blame any of this on not enough time; there is always enough time to do what I truly, truly want. I DO want to get all of these projects done. However, they involve work of some sort. I am trying to feed my soul and enjoy my minutes and days. Who wants obligations to interfere with life and sunshine and joy and laughter and happiness and peace and soul-feeding and time spent with people? Not I; I have enough of that with my work-for-money life and my daily-living-chores. Some day the things I've been putting off may become important enough to just do them. In the meantime, come to visit and we'll find something great to do, whether the sun is shining or not.
Three things that are waiting for me:
- My cupboard door hinge broke months ago. At first, I was anxious to get it fixed. I put off 0going to buy a new hinge because I dread going into any store these days. (More about that 'affliction' another time). I also know I need help to fix this door. People have offered, but I don't have the hinge. As time went by, I kind of liked not having a door on that cupboard. It is certainly easier to get things in and out of a cramped corner cabinet with no door. It looks quite awful, though. It can't be organized enough to look attractive.
- I bought a new computer earlier this year. I have programs I want to load and changes I want to make. I haven't done it yet. I haven't felt like it. It's as simple as that. Changing computers is an exercise in patience. It never goes smoothly for me. I don't know enough about them to fix the little glitches that arise. I haven't felt like it because I don't want to deal with my own frustration and face my own lack of knowledge.
- I have a plan in my head for displaying family pictures and family history information. This is a beautiful mural in my mind. I spent time and money finding frames, wall decorations, paper, and various items to attach things to the wall. I really want to get this done! My excuse for not starting (never mind completing) this is I want someone to help. It's much easier to hang things on walls with a second set of eyes to see what is not straight, what is too close together, what is too high or too low. I haven't asked anyone to help. I've put THAT off because I've decided I need to either wash the walls or paint before I can arrange a helper. Preparing the wall sounds like work.
I have many, many more tasks and chores and projects just waiting for me to decide it's the right time. I haven't told you about the dishwasher that doesn't work or the battery that needs replacing or the organizing of my work room or the unwashed car or the purging of too much stuff in my home. I can't blame any of this on the weather; they've been waiting for many sunny days. I can't blame any of this on not enough time; there is always enough time to do what I truly, truly want. I DO want to get all of these projects done. However, they involve work of some sort. I am trying to feed my soul and enjoy my minutes and days. Who wants obligations to interfere with life and sunshine and joy and laughter and happiness and peace and soul-feeding and time spent with people? Not I; I have enough of that with my work-for-money life and my daily-living-chores. Some day the things I've been putting off may become important enough to just do them. In the meantime, come to visit and we'll find something great to do, whether the sun is shining or not.
Sunday, October 28, 2012
Fear
Today is gray, cold, and cloudy. The past week has been gray, cold, and cloudy. My brain keeps moving in the direction of getting through a long, cold winter. I know the things I need to do to make winter not only bearable, but enjoyable. These two thoughts are fighting and creating unrest and discontent within me. I don't want the darkness to win. What keeps me tied to this spot of uncomfortableness? I wonder if some part of me gets some perverse pleasure with reviewing the what-ifs about winter and about life, some deep secret place where I want or need to feel grumpy and miserable. Why do I have to work so hard at feeling joy, contentment, peace? How come it doesn't just come unbidden? Dreading the winter doldrums is a cover for the real restlessness within.
I have recently had a wonderful vacation and visit with Sister Two. The past three days were filled with music, laughter, fun, love, and gratitude, with other special women in my life. I had some very precious hours today with an old friend, laughing and doing something we both love to do. It fills me with a wonderment knowing my life is full. It fills me with wonderment knowing I'm alive. But yet.... My house is empty and quiet. Chores loom in front of me. The work week is only a few hours away. What is holding me in this spot of gloom when my life is so close to everything I've ever wanted it to be?
My annual struggle with surviving winter has begun early this year. Thanks for that, Mother Nature. My struggle with time rages daily. I know that underneath all this gloom and doom talk I have work to do, a decision to make. There is one piece of my life that needs resolution. I know what is holding me here. Fear.
Three things about fear:
- Fear can be crippling. It stops us dead and overtakes common sense.
- We need fear. Fear protects us.
- Fear pushes us to where we need to go and who we need to become.
This push is where I need to get to, to take that next leap into who I am becoming. I am getting closer. Perhaps this teeter-totter of feeling safe and protected on one side and the crippling and stopping on the other side is a natural stage. There is a longing within me, a desire and wanting so powerful that I am confident that my fear will not win. I will not use the prospect of winter or the over-used excuse of "not-enough-time" to stop me. I will conquer the fear and this piece of my life will become resolved. I have the faith, in myself and in the force that lives within me that directs my soul, to KNOW it's coming.
Fear be damned.
I have recently had a wonderful vacation and visit with Sister Two. The past three days were filled with music, laughter, fun, love, and gratitude, with other special women in my life. I had some very precious hours today with an old friend, laughing and doing something we both love to do. It fills me with a wonderment knowing my life is full. It fills me with wonderment knowing I'm alive. But yet.... My house is empty and quiet. Chores loom in front of me. The work week is only a few hours away. What is holding me in this spot of gloom when my life is so close to everything I've ever wanted it to be?
My annual struggle with surviving winter has begun early this year. Thanks for that, Mother Nature. My struggle with time rages daily. I know that underneath all this gloom and doom talk I have work to do, a decision to make. There is one piece of my life that needs resolution. I know what is holding me here. Fear.
Three things about fear:
- Fear can be crippling. It stops us dead and overtakes common sense.
- We need fear. Fear protects us.
- Fear pushes us to where we need to go and who we need to become.
This push is where I need to get to, to take that next leap into who I am becoming. I am getting closer. Perhaps this teeter-totter of feeling safe and protected on one side and the crippling and stopping on the other side is a natural stage. There is a longing within me, a desire and wanting so powerful that I am confident that my fear will not win. I will not use the prospect of winter or the over-used excuse of "not-enough-time" to stop me. I will conquer the fear and this piece of my life will become resolved. I have the faith, in myself and in the force that lives within me that directs my soul, to KNOW it's coming.
Fear be damned.
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