I often have a hard time on Sunday nights. There are a few reasons for this, one being that Sunday was always a special and family day when I was growing up, with big meals and time spent together. From the time I was young, I have disliked Sunday (and the weekend) ending and having to face going back to school, and then to work, on Monday. The evening routine of getting clothes and lunch ready, along with plotting out the next work week in my mind, creates anxiety, and a desire to have the family Sunday closeness of my childhood. Watching Walt Disney, Ed Sulllivan, and Bonanza seems an easier and calmer way to spend Sunday evening.
Three good things about this particular Sunday evening:
-the setting sun from my west-facing balcony is a huge orange fireball in the sky. The amazing sunsets from my west-facing balcony make up for the very hot temperatures inside.
-I had a weekend with time spent with an out-of-town brother, with good friends, with my daughter, and with one of my other brothers and his wife. I had a long visit with my sister on the phone, and emails from other friends and family. Good company and good laughs.
-I've made a decision to reclaim myself. I've had some days this summer of sadness and depression; to reclaim myself has given me some hope and inner peace. The reclamation will take a few forms. One simple one will be to take the steps to change back to my maiden name. I have carried this married surname for more years than I had my maiden name, but the married name is just a name I used. It does not define who I am and has little meaning for me. My maiden name gets me back to who I was. I don't understand the concept of taking someone else's name anymore. It is symbolic to me of giving up part of yourself.
This Sunday night is better than many, many that came before today.
Sunday, August 30, 2009
Saturday, August 29, 2009
View from the Balcony
Three things that fed my soul, in the past 24 hours, from my west-facing balcony:
-three little tiny dogs playing together in the soccer field. This is not an off-leash area, and there are "NO DOGS ALLOWED" signs posted. I see people bringing their dogs there every day and it usually annoys me. Yesterday, though, seeing the little ones romp and run and trip was heart-warming. Any type of babies are so cute and amazing.
- a half moon, shining bright orange. I think it was brighter than I've ever seen, for an orangey moon. A harvest moon, perhaps?
-early this morning, a deer ran across the field, and then just sauntered along the edge of the bushes, nibbling on leaves along his way.
-three little tiny dogs playing together in the soccer field. This is not an off-leash area, and there are "NO DOGS ALLOWED" signs posted. I see people bringing their dogs there every day and it usually annoys me. Yesterday, though, seeing the little ones romp and run and trip was heart-warming. Any type of babies are so cute and amazing.
- a half moon, shining bright orange. I think it was brighter than I've ever seen, for an orangey moon. A harvest moon, perhaps?
-early this morning, a deer ran across the field, and then just sauntered along the edge of the bushes, nibbling on leaves along his way.
Sunday, August 23, 2009
Well, there are a lot of things one could say about Facebook, and there are days I wonder why I use it. The whole social networking thing has created articles, books, and strong opinions. It seems whenever I've decided to discontinue my facebook account, someone posts something that cracks me up.
When I started facebooking, I played some games and accepted friend invitations from almost anyone I know who sent the request. Now I've deleted some friends and am more choosy about who and why I allow people into my facebook life. I don't use other applications too often and don't join every facebook cause or page that comes my way.
I try to avoid the emotional, dramatic rants that some people post. "OMG! I love my man so much. He is the best and I can imagine life without him" or "Everyone who makes me mad should be boiled in oil and fried til they die" or "Why doesn't anyone love me for who I am?". Although I've slipped occasionally into the emotional life splashed all over the internet, I try to keep it light, and most people I am facebook friends with do the same, or at least just a brief status update on what is going on that day.
Three things I like about facebook:
-Running jokes and gags with my family. We are a very funny bunch and sometimes the humour doesn't quite translate to the abbreviated written word, but 'they get it'.
-Contact with friends who had moved out of my life. People move on and move away. Facebook has brought a couple old friends back from years ago and I keep in touch with newer frineds that have recently moved long distances away. One friend who moved to Australia is keeping all of us back here up to date with her daily 'stuff' and I love seeing her pictures and stories of her new life. Former work colleagues keep in touch with how their new lives are.
-Contact with a whole bunch of family and cousins who I otherwise wouldn't see or talk to for years. Again, the time and distance thing. This has been amazing for me, with my bent for family history and family ties.
I have fun with it.
When I started facebooking, I played some games and accepted friend invitations from almost anyone I know who sent the request. Now I've deleted some friends and am more choosy about who and why I allow people into my facebook life. I don't use other applications too often and don't join every facebook cause or page that comes my way.
I try to avoid the emotional, dramatic rants that some people post. "OMG! I love my man so much. He is the best and I can imagine life without him" or "Everyone who makes me mad should be boiled in oil and fried til they die" or "Why doesn't anyone love me for who I am?". Although I've slipped occasionally into the emotional life splashed all over the internet, I try to keep it light, and most people I am facebook friends with do the same, or at least just a brief status update on what is going on that day.
Three things I like about facebook:
-Running jokes and gags with my family. We are a very funny bunch and sometimes the humour doesn't quite translate to the abbreviated written word, but 'they get it'.
-Contact with friends who had moved out of my life. People move on and move away. Facebook has brought a couple old friends back from years ago and I keep in touch with newer frineds that have recently moved long distances away. One friend who moved to Australia is keeping all of us back here up to date with her daily 'stuff' and I love seeing her pictures and stories of her new life. Former work colleagues keep in touch with how their new lives are.
-Contact with a whole bunch of family and cousins who I otherwise wouldn't see or talk to for years. Again, the time and distance thing. This has been amazing for me, with my bent for family history and family ties.
I have fun with it.
Saturday, August 15, 2009
Three Dreams for Fun
Time keeps on slippin', slippin' sliipin' into the future...
Summer is almost gone and it's seems very short this year. That is mostly Mother nature's fault, with a cold wet spring, and too few warm sunny days. I made the summer shorter for myself this year by not getting out and doing 'summer stuff'. I needed a break and some down time from overly busy days but I let the break carry on a bit too long. I did some reflecting and regrouping but also let myself slide into an almost-depressed state. So now I think I'm back and I know I have work to do to create my life and rekindle my passions.
Three things I'd like to do:
- join (start?) an Improv Theatre group.
-become a clown.
-have a regular Games night.
Summer is almost gone and it's seems very short this year. That is mostly Mother nature's fault, with a cold wet spring, and too few warm sunny days. I made the summer shorter for myself this year by not getting out and doing 'summer stuff'. I needed a break and some down time from overly busy days but I let the break carry on a bit too long. I did some reflecting and regrouping but also let myself slide into an almost-depressed state. So now I think I'm back and I know I have work to do to create my life and rekindle my passions.
Three things I'd like to do:
- join (start?) an Improv Theatre group.
-become a clown.
-have a regular Games night.
Saturday, August 1, 2009
Three Gifts
Three things my fight with cancer has given me:
-my family. I have a large and close family and my time spent with cancer opened up new family closeness and opportunities for me. I always had my family and knew I could count on them, but my experience with this bastard disease, has brought them all so much closer to me in my heart, my thoughts, and there has been more time spent together. It seems that the family members are making more time together, as well. The extended family of many cousins on both sides of the family has spread so far and so wide, but I now know more of them in a closer way, and I work harder at keeping in touch with them.
-my friends. This journey down the illness road changed my friendships. It sounds trite and cliche, but it truly did open my eyes to 'who my friends really are'. There are people who I expected to be right beside me who, for their own reasons, had to run the other way. I'm okay with that and I don't think I have judged them for that. Each person has to make their own decisions in any given situation. However, the relationships with those people have changed. There were other people who I didn't expect any support from who were with me every step of the way, and my realtionships with them have also changed. There is a different closeness and level of trust and it gives me peace.
-my attitudes. I still struggle with poor and destructive coping mechanisms and reactions to people and situations, but I catch the negativity and ill-fated consequences much sooner now. I'm far more likely to let things go and to laugh and to sing and to find some small good thing about most situations. I have not quite created the lifestyle I want, but am taking steps to get there. I don't know why my life was spared or what I am meant to do, but little glimmers of that happen each day. I don't think I've been put on this earth or my life spared for some noble purpose, but I do know I have talents and gifts of myself to share with others. Keying into that and working toward the little good I can add to someone else's life, even for a moment, is the most satisfying feeling. To truly give of myself with no expectations of favors returned or undying gratitude is what this whole thing called life is about, for me.
-my family. I have a large and close family and my time spent with cancer opened up new family closeness and opportunities for me. I always had my family and knew I could count on them, but my experience with this bastard disease, has brought them all so much closer to me in my heart, my thoughts, and there has been more time spent together. It seems that the family members are making more time together, as well. The extended family of many cousins on both sides of the family has spread so far and so wide, but I now know more of them in a closer way, and I work harder at keeping in touch with them.
-my friends. This journey down the illness road changed my friendships. It sounds trite and cliche, but it truly did open my eyes to 'who my friends really are'. There are people who I expected to be right beside me who, for their own reasons, had to run the other way. I'm okay with that and I don't think I have judged them for that. Each person has to make their own decisions in any given situation. However, the relationships with those people have changed. There were other people who I didn't expect any support from who were with me every step of the way, and my realtionships with them have also changed. There is a different closeness and level of trust and it gives me peace.
-my attitudes. I still struggle with poor and destructive coping mechanisms and reactions to people and situations, but I catch the negativity and ill-fated consequences much sooner now. I'm far more likely to let things go and to laugh and to sing and to find some small good thing about most situations. I have not quite created the lifestyle I want, but am taking steps to get there. I don't know why my life was spared or what I am meant to do, but little glimmers of that happen each day. I don't think I've been put on this earth or my life spared for some noble purpose, but I do know I have talents and gifts of myself to share with others. Keying into that and working toward the little good I can add to someone else's life, even for a moment, is the most satisfying feeling. To truly give of myself with no expectations of favors returned or undying gratitude is what this whole thing called life is about, for me.
Monday, July 27, 2009
A Tough Day
A rather hard day today; rumors of more cut backs and restructuring at work so people were edgy and more demanding than usual. Then news that a former colleague is having a very tough time with her chemo. Then news that a friend's father-in-law passed away. It's sometimes a bit of a stretch to keep finding the good things and gratitude on days like today. Harder to do, but more important to find the good things on a bad day, without discounting how the bad stuff makes me, and others, feel.
Three things I thought about to make the bad day better:
-I am alive and healthy, and have been given compassion that I can share with my grieving friend and suffering former colleague.
-Work is work, and everyone reacts differently to change. I can only make decisions about my own actions and reactions. I had the wisdom granted to me today to remember people were reacting to a situation, and not to me personally.
-I thought about how great the weather is, and how sunshine energizes me.
Three things I thought about to make the bad day better:
-I am alive and healthy, and have been given compassion that I can share with my grieving friend and suffering former colleague.
-Work is work, and everyone reacts differently to change. I can only make decisions about my own actions and reactions. I had the wisdom granted to me today to remember people were reacting to a situation, and not to me personally.
-I thought about how great the weather is, and how sunshine energizes me.
Saturday, July 25, 2009
What Shall I Do?
A very hot summer Saturday, with no plans made yet. Chores await, and although there are some chores I actually want to do, these are the three things I'd rather do:
-write some more of my maternal family history for a local history book that is being published next year. I have started a rough draft and have a good outline to follow. There are a large number of local history books from the areas where my people settled, and yet there is very little mention of my family. Procrastination/Tronnes Time on one side of the family and perhaps lack of interest on the other side? Or maybe the families didn't know in time to have their stories included. I believe this is an important undertaking and everyone should write something of their history, even if not for a formal publication. Even though there has not been a good, comprehensive story published about my family in any of these books, there have been enough tidbits (usually is someone else's story where my family is mentioned) that I have learned things I never knew. The greater goal is to continue writing what I've started. A tome of information, and I have started with basic information about both sides of the family. I don't spend as much time as I'd like writing the next chapters.
-scrapbooking in some way, shape, or form. I'm in the middle of three ablums and have at least four other planned in my head. I also want to create a huge wall mural of family history and photos incorporating scrapbooking techniques. I haven't figured out what type of medium to use. My first thought was to paint and post directly on the wall. I still love that idea, but if I ever move from this place, the wall will be lost, and it would take a ton of work to remove/repaint. I also have a collage idea for recovering my file boxes. My desire to create is strong this morning, so I should give into that, and leave the chores.
-scanning old family photos. For the past three years, since I started this project, my goal has been to get the pictures all scanned and burned to CD for my siblings, child, neices, nephews as Chritmas gifts. I'm not there yet, but am about half way done.
Yes, I think the chores will wait today. Perhaps I can do some of each of these. So many ideas, projects, creative things I want to do, and often I let life and my job get in the way of having time to work on them. And sometimes I overwhelm myself with the thought of so much I want to do, that I don't start anything. I really like to live my life doing what I want to do, the things that make me happy or satisfied, and yet I make the obligations take higher priority.
-write some more of my maternal family history for a local history book that is being published next year. I have started a rough draft and have a good outline to follow. There are a large number of local history books from the areas where my people settled, and yet there is very little mention of my family. Procrastination/Tronnes Time on one side of the family and perhaps lack of interest on the other side? Or maybe the families didn't know in time to have their stories included. I believe this is an important undertaking and everyone should write something of their history, even if not for a formal publication. Even though there has not been a good, comprehensive story published about my family in any of these books, there have been enough tidbits (usually is someone else's story where my family is mentioned) that I have learned things I never knew. The greater goal is to continue writing what I've started. A tome of information, and I have started with basic information about both sides of the family. I don't spend as much time as I'd like writing the next chapters.
-scrapbooking in some way, shape, or form. I'm in the middle of three ablums and have at least four other planned in my head. I also want to create a huge wall mural of family history and photos incorporating scrapbooking techniques. I haven't figured out what type of medium to use. My first thought was to paint and post directly on the wall. I still love that idea, but if I ever move from this place, the wall will be lost, and it would take a ton of work to remove/repaint. I also have a collage idea for recovering my file boxes. My desire to create is strong this morning, so I should give into that, and leave the chores.
-scanning old family photos. For the past three years, since I started this project, my goal has been to get the pictures all scanned and burned to CD for my siblings, child, neices, nephews as Chritmas gifts. I'm not there yet, but am about half way done.
Yes, I think the chores will wait today. Perhaps I can do some of each of these. So many ideas, projects, creative things I want to do, and often I let life and my job get in the way of having time to work on them. And sometimes I overwhelm myself with the thought of so much I want to do, that I don't start anything. I really like to live my life doing what I want to do, the things that make me happy or satisfied, and yet I make the obligations take higher priority.
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