There was an article on the editorial page of my local paper this week where the author was angry about going to a high-end dining spot for dinner and some of the clientele were under-dressed. That made me think about myself and how, for most occasions, I am definitely under-dressed. I'm all about being comfortable, not just in my clothes but in my own skin.
Three things about how I look:
-I wanted to be a hippie when I grew up and part of my own rebellion was jeans and a t-shirt as my every day wear. I have had jobs where I needed to "dress up" and wear "office clothes". I've had events to go to where I put on dresses, slips, panty hose, and heels. And while, for a short period of time, I feel good about "dressing up", I can hardly wait to get home and get into some other clothes - clothes where I'm more physically comfortable and where I can be just me. "Dressing up" is like pretending to be someone I'm not. Dressing up itself is a term that brings feelings of putting on a face and personality that is deceitful. I admire the people who can do that and pull it off, and just be dressed and comfortable. Dressing up in a costume and becoming someone else is a whole different story. I could do that weekly. Dressing up in finery just is not the same, even when I pretend I'm someone else. I'm a far cry from fancy.
-I went through more than a couple decades of wearing make up almost every day. I know it evens out my skin tone and opens up my eyes. These days I wear none. I was in danger of becoming one of those women who can't leave her house without having a fully made up face. It takes too much time to try to hide the flaws and open up those beautiful eyes of mine. Along with the make up were the haircuts, hair products, perms, curling irons, and a frustration that my hair was poker straight, fine, and never looked as good as I wanted it to look. I spent too much time spent in front of the mirror trying to look more perfect than I am with results that still left me judging myself based on uncooperative hair, skin, teeth.
-I have a closet full of clothes that I don't wear. They hang there, waiting for me to branch out, show some style, develop my own style where I look put together. I reach in, pull clothes off the hangers, put them on, and dislike the imperfection so much, that I grab the jeans and t-shirts, get comfortable, and relax. I read Vague Magazine, not Vogue.
This scribing today took a different turn and tone than what I set out to write. I wasn't the under-dressed person in the high-end dining establishment, but I could have been. I don't judge myself harshly while in my jeans and t-shirts, but I do when I'm "dressed up" and striving for perfection and beauty. I will continue to stick with the comfortable and wait in vain for the day when I can wear pajamas to work.
Sunday, February 13, 2011
Saturday, February 5, 2011
Life and Death
I've just come from a funeral of a co-worker. He is the third from my work we've lost suddenly in the past year. It is also the anniversary of the death of my brothers childhood friends. I'm remembering my Mom and one very dear friend. I'm remembering aunts, uncles, cousins, friends, parents of friends. I'm struggling with how I'm feeling. I'm sad, I'm pensive, I'm angry, I'm happy that I'm alive, I'm reflective, I'm scared, I'm hopeful. All these emotions are fighting within me, coming in waves, one replacing the other without even realizing what I feel. I'm alone in my house right now and I want so badly for someone to be here, to hold me and comfort me, and to help me laugh at myself.
Three things about life and death:
-I've been playing in the family history field a lot the past few weeks and today suddenly all the names on graphs and paper and in databases are people to me and not just statistics. Each of us leave people behind and leave a legacy that means something to someone somewhere. And here I am, trying to put meaning to their lives, on paper, with most of them people I never knew. They've touched my life years later and in some cases decades and centuries later. The choices they made have touched my life and with some, the choices they made affected my life. A continual stream, running forever.
-I don't know what I believe, really, about what happens after death. Maybe nothing. Maybe the picture painted of life ever after in a heaven with streets paved of gold and a wise and living being overseeing and loving all. Maybe our life force stays forever in different forms, reincarnated as plants, animals, new humans. Maybe our life force or soul has to continue learning lessons, as we do now in our alive life, and someday reaches a plateau of fulfillment, having learned all the lessons to then become a teacher to other life forces. I know what I WANT to believe, but I'm scared to fully believe. What if I'm wrong?
-I'm not scared to die. My meet-and-greet with cancer and facing my own mortality took away the fear of dying, no matter what happens to my life force/soul after I suck in my last breath. I only know I don't want to die and I want to live a life full of love and people and laughter and song and time spent doing the things I love. I continue to struggle to get it all in.
Rest in peace all who have passed before me, those I knew and those who are names on the reams of paper in binders filling the nooks and crannies of my house. Your lives have touched and changed mine. Your legacies live on in memory and in the nooks and crannies of my mind. I will continue to remember you. For those I knew, I will strive to emulate the best qualities each of have shown. For those I could not know, I will continue with my feeble attempts to document your full lives in short stories. Life and death: how mysterious, how wonderful, how agonizing and joyful.
Three things about life and death:
-I've been playing in the family history field a lot the past few weeks and today suddenly all the names on graphs and paper and in databases are people to me and not just statistics. Each of us leave people behind and leave a legacy that means something to someone somewhere. And here I am, trying to put meaning to their lives, on paper, with most of them people I never knew. They've touched my life years later and in some cases decades and centuries later. The choices they made have touched my life and with some, the choices they made affected my life. A continual stream, running forever.
-I don't know what I believe, really, about what happens after death. Maybe nothing. Maybe the picture painted of life ever after in a heaven with streets paved of gold and a wise and living being overseeing and loving all. Maybe our life force stays forever in different forms, reincarnated as plants, animals, new humans. Maybe our life force or soul has to continue learning lessons, as we do now in our alive life, and someday reaches a plateau of fulfillment, having learned all the lessons to then become a teacher to other life forces. I know what I WANT to believe, but I'm scared to fully believe. What if I'm wrong?
-I'm not scared to die. My meet-and-greet with cancer and facing my own mortality took away the fear of dying, no matter what happens to my life force/soul after I suck in my last breath. I only know I don't want to die and I want to live a life full of love and people and laughter and song and time spent doing the things I love. I continue to struggle to get it all in.
Rest in peace all who have passed before me, those I knew and those who are names on the reams of paper in binders filling the nooks and crannies of my house. Your lives have touched and changed mine. Your legacies live on in memory and in the nooks and crannies of my mind. I will continue to remember you. For those I knew, I will strive to emulate the best qualities each of have shown. For those I could not know, I will continue with my feeble attempts to document your full lives in short stories. Life and death: how mysterious, how wonderful, how agonizing and joyful.
Thursday, January 13, 2011
Talking to Myself
I've just come in from a dental appointment. I'm on the team of poeple that dreads getting dental work done. I get so tense that I rise from the chair with a headache and almost feel dizzy as my breathing gets back to normal. I had quite a lot of work done today and one side of my mouth is frozen, both upper and lower, and half my tongue. I keep trying to talk (I'm home alone and listening to my own voice) because I illogically think that if I talk, the freezing will come out faster.
Three things about talking to myself:
-As I sit here talking to myself, my own voice sounds strange to my ears. It doesn't sound like that when I am speaking to someone else.
-Words are very garbled when I don't have all parts and muscles of my mouth working properly.
-I am quickly running out of things to say to myself out loud. Thank goodness no one is answering.
The freezing is not coming out any faster. Still, every few minutes, I say something out loud. One mantra that I keep repeating is "I'm never going to the dentist again". When I break that vow to myself, I'm going to arrange to have company after to avoid the silliness of talking to my very own self.
Three things about talking to myself:
-As I sit here talking to myself, my own voice sounds strange to my ears. It doesn't sound like that when I am speaking to someone else.
-Words are very garbled when I don't have all parts and muscles of my mouth working properly.
-I am quickly running out of things to say to myself out loud. Thank goodness no one is answering.
The freezing is not coming out any faster. Still, every few minutes, I say something out loud. One mantra that I keep repeating is "I'm never going to the dentist again". When I break that vow to myself, I'm going to arrange to have company after to avoid the silliness of talking to my very own self.
Sunday, January 9, 2011
Connections
Yesterday a terrible winter storm blew in and I knew I wouldn't be going out. I had some things planned to keep me busy, but I knew it would be a long day, with no other people around me. I need to stay socially active and although I have times where I crave, and need, to be alone, too much alone time makes me a little weird. Even with the storm, I had great connections with people.
Three connections in the storm:
-While checking facebook, the chat window popped up. I don't often use the chat feature, but this was from a friend I haven't seen for about ten years. We have been trying to make time to get together for a few weeks, since reconnecting on facebook. We had an on-line chat and got caught up on some stuff and have arranged a time to visit face-to-face. While I was chatting with her, another chat window popped up; this one from a friend who lives hundreds of miles away. It was very strange to be having these two on-line conversations at once. I very much enjoyed my visits with these two ladies, and think I may chat on line more often.
-Sister Three and Sister Two both phoned, and with each of them I had long conversations, about 'just stuff'. It was more like we were sitting together and talking, and not phone calls where we relay information.
-Hours later, in the early evening, again two phone calls; one from The Kid (who hates the phone) and one from a long time friend who lives many miles away. The Kid and I just talked about stuff, as well. This is unusual for us when we are on the phone. As I mentioned, she hates being on the phone and our calls are generally short and only to convey information. The long time friend and I don't talk as often as either of us would like - life gets in the way, you know. We discussed some tough times going on for her. That's how long time friends are - time goes by without much contact, but there is still the trust and connection to open your hearts and souls.
The storm continues today and I will likely have to go out to do some grocery shopping. I also want to visit a colleague in the hospital. I know it's time for me to see people, even strangers, face to face. However, if I chose to spend one more day by myself, I know I am not alone.
Three connections in the storm:
-While checking facebook, the chat window popped up. I don't often use the chat feature, but this was from a friend I haven't seen for about ten years. We have been trying to make time to get together for a few weeks, since reconnecting on facebook. We had an on-line chat and got caught up on some stuff and have arranged a time to visit face-to-face. While I was chatting with her, another chat window popped up; this one from a friend who lives hundreds of miles away. It was very strange to be having these two on-line conversations at once. I very much enjoyed my visits with these two ladies, and think I may chat on line more often.
-Sister Three and Sister Two both phoned, and with each of them I had long conversations, about 'just stuff'. It was more like we were sitting together and talking, and not phone calls where we relay information.
-Hours later, in the early evening, again two phone calls; one from The Kid (who hates the phone) and one from a long time friend who lives many miles away. The Kid and I just talked about stuff, as well. This is unusual for us when we are on the phone. As I mentioned, she hates being on the phone and our calls are generally short and only to convey information. The long time friend and I don't talk as often as either of us would like - life gets in the way, you know. We discussed some tough times going on for her. That's how long time friends are - time goes by without much contact, but there is still the trust and connection to open your hearts and souls.
The storm continues today and I will likely have to go out to do some grocery shopping. I also want to visit a colleague in the hospital. I know it's time for me to see people, even strangers, face to face. However, if I chose to spend one more day by myself, I know I am not alone.
Sunday, January 2, 2011
Christmas
I just finished taking down the Christmas tree and undecorating the house. It was kind of sad and lonely for me, to take the tree down by myself. As I worked, I took time to think about what Christmas is, and what it means to me. I know there is lots of press out there focusing on the commercialism and the loss of the true meaning of Christmas. For me, each Christmas is more beautiful, more peaceful, more full of love than the last and the ones past.
Three things Christmas means to me:
-Family. It is a time to gather and spend time and share food and share laughter and share love. I'm fortunate to have a large and loving and accepting family. I love you all dearly.
-Giving. All of us in the above large family have more than enough 'stuff', but yet each year, I buy a few small things. Each year I vow to not do that, but to contribute to a Christmas charity instead. For the past few years, I've done both. Each year I receive more gifts than many people. The giving is not about getting stuff, it's about opening love wrapped in shiny paper with pretty bows.
-Magic. For me there is still magic in seeing a little kid's excitement about Santa coming, outdoor lights, people singing carols off-key, people donating or adopting families or working at a free Christmas dinner, magic in hugs and magic in tears.
We had very little in the way of material things when I was growing up. Somehow, though, there was always Christmas, with enough food, and with at least one little gift for all. Some of our Christmases were stressful and unhappy, with too much drink and not enough peace. There were some full of fun and laughter. But there was always Christmas. My Mom worked hard to make sure we always had Christmas, even through the years of too much drinking. I miss her and I miss how much Christmas and her family meant to her. I think it is fitting that she died on Christmas Day.
Three things Christmas means to me:
-Family. It is a time to gather and spend time and share food and share laughter and share love. I'm fortunate to have a large and loving and accepting family. I love you all dearly.
-Giving. All of us in the above large family have more than enough 'stuff', but yet each year, I buy a few small things. Each year I vow to not do that, but to contribute to a Christmas charity instead. For the past few years, I've done both. Each year I receive more gifts than many people. The giving is not about getting stuff, it's about opening love wrapped in shiny paper with pretty bows.
-Magic. For me there is still magic in seeing a little kid's excitement about Santa coming, outdoor lights, people singing carols off-key, people donating or adopting families or working at a free Christmas dinner, magic in hugs and magic in tears.
We had very little in the way of material things when I was growing up. Somehow, though, there was always Christmas, with enough food, and with at least one little gift for all. Some of our Christmases were stressful and unhappy, with too much drink and not enough peace. There were some full of fun and laughter. But there was always Christmas. My Mom worked hard to make sure we always had Christmas, even through the years of too much drinking. I miss her and I miss how much Christmas and her family meant to her. I think it is fitting that she died on Christmas Day.
Sunday, December 5, 2010
Perspective
I've been fighting with some of my emotions this past week. I 'know' to not do that; feel and acknowledge the emotions, talk it out with someone if necessary, and move on. I strive to do that but am not always as successful as I want. Human, after all.
Three things that helped my change my perspective this week:
-My birthday is today. In my family, birthdays have always been special, and celebrated with others and with cake. This year, all of my family is busy and I was feeling low, thinking I would have a non-birthday. I had ideas of what I could do to fill the day and thought of ways to have fun for myself or give of myself, but it wasn't quite the same. I began to feel sorry for myself, and more and more sad that my usual idea of a birthday just wasn't going to happen. I knew I would get many cards and emails and facebook wishes, but it wasn't the same as having plans. I talked to Sister Three about it, hesitantly, as I was feeling like a spoiled kid and very selfish. She validated my feelings. "Of course you feel bad. Birthdays have always been special for our family". Just knowing that someone else understood made me feel less alone. The Kid changed her work schedule to come and have supper with me last night, I spent time opening cards from family this morning, reading emails and facebook messages, and I have going-out-for-birthday-supper plans with a friend. I re-learned it's okay to just feel what I feel, and needed someone to tell me that. Perspective changed.
-I finished a major project at work and have not yet taken on another. Work has been rather boring, although I know two big projects will start in the new year, and I will be again too busy. I was feeling at loose ends, and again wondering why I continue on at this job. There will be staff changes in my area again this coming year and that is always a hard time to get through - more hiring, more training, more stress. I want to do something that matters; pushing paper around for a chemical company doesn't add much to the greater good. I keep a file of emails where I've received thanks or compliments from people I work with; I re-read those and started to feel a bit better. A current colleague came to tell me she is not applying for another job within the company - that she does not want to work in any other department or with any other team. I realized I'm making a difference with my colleagues, with my team. I went outside, stood beside a huge pine tree, covered in hoar frost, and felt the energy and peace of being close to nature. I have stood beside that tree many, many times, but have never allowed the energy of the trees around me to reach me. Perspective changed.
-The fear of cancer returning never goes away. I live with it, accept it, and sometimes even forget about it. A colleague was diagnosed with breast cancer this week. My own fears and memories overtook me, leading me down a dark path. This colleague decorated her office with Christmas lights and garlands, went shopping for our Adopt-a-Family children, vowed to work for as long as she can, and had the rest of us playing games and laughing. Perspective changed.
It's always been easy for me to fall into patterns that are not healthy or helpful and it has been very hard to change my thoughts, emotions, reactions. After fighting with emotions and thoughts in the three instances mentioned, I was very lucky this week to tune into something greater than myself and have my perspective changed almost instantly, in three circumstances where I could have let the negativity snowball and become daunting. It was a great week.
Three things that helped my change my perspective this week:
-My birthday is today. In my family, birthdays have always been special, and celebrated with others and with cake. This year, all of my family is busy and I was feeling low, thinking I would have a non-birthday. I had ideas of what I could do to fill the day and thought of ways to have fun for myself or give of myself, but it wasn't quite the same. I began to feel sorry for myself, and more and more sad that my usual idea of a birthday just wasn't going to happen. I knew I would get many cards and emails and facebook wishes, but it wasn't the same as having plans. I talked to Sister Three about it, hesitantly, as I was feeling like a spoiled kid and very selfish. She validated my feelings. "Of course you feel bad. Birthdays have always been special for our family". Just knowing that someone else understood made me feel less alone. The Kid changed her work schedule to come and have supper with me last night, I spent time opening cards from family this morning, reading emails and facebook messages, and I have going-out-for-birthday-supper plans with a friend. I re-learned it's okay to just feel what I feel, and needed someone to tell me that. Perspective changed.
-I finished a major project at work and have not yet taken on another. Work has been rather boring, although I know two big projects will start in the new year, and I will be again too busy. I was feeling at loose ends, and again wondering why I continue on at this job. There will be staff changes in my area again this coming year and that is always a hard time to get through - more hiring, more training, more stress. I want to do something that matters; pushing paper around for a chemical company doesn't add much to the greater good. I keep a file of emails where I've received thanks or compliments from people I work with; I re-read those and started to feel a bit better. A current colleague came to tell me she is not applying for another job within the company - that she does not want to work in any other department or with any other team. I realized I'm making a difference with my colleagues, with my team. I went outside, stood beside a huge pine tree, covered in hoar frost, and felt the energy and peace of being close to nature. I have stood beside that tree many, many times, but have never allowed the energy of the trees around me to reach me. Perspective changed.
-The fear of cancer returning never goes away. I live with it, accept it, and sometimes even forget about it. A colleague was diagnosed with breast cancer this week. My own fears and memories overtook me, leading me down a dark path. This colleague decorated her office with Christmas lights and garlands, went shopping for our Adopt-a-Family children, vowed to work for as long as she can, and had the rest of us playing games and laughing. Perspective changed.
It's always been easy for me to fall into patterns that are not healthy or helpful and it has been very hard to change my thoughts, emotions, reactions. After fighting with emotions and thoughts in the three instances mentioned, I was very lucky this week to tune into something greater than myself and have my perspective changed almost instantly, in three circumstances where I could have let the negativity snowball and become daunting. It was a great week.
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
Spending Time With Myself
It's so very cold outside and I have hated venturing out the past four days. I've done the obligatory trips - work and medical appointments, and a couple 'just to do' trips - buying milk, a visit with friends, a comedy show. With my self-imposed stay in the house, stay warm at all costs attitude, I've been forced to spend more time with myself than usual. This has been good for me. I am busy and find things I love to do, and you've heard me grumble here before about never having the time to do all I want to do. This time alone has been good for me.
Three things about spending time with myself:
-I've truly done what I've wanted to do each minute. I didn't get a ton of stuff accomplished (based on the usual definition of accomplishment = something tangible). I didn't push myself to do chores or to even tackle my "I want to..." list. This has been freeing for me. Time to just be.
-I've explored some areas of me and my spirit. I've had no earth-shattering self-realizations or big 'aha' moments, but I've been comfortable with myself and have a peace within. The peace is holding hands with pride for who I am, what I've done, what I believe, what I want.
-I love being busy and I really DO have so much I want and love to do that I never find enough time to do it all, take it all in, be alive with all my people and all my activities. I needed this break to help me realize I need to spend time with myself, and open myself to the growth and spirituality that comes from indulgence in self.
I hope you can find the time to spend with the most important person - you. I give thanks for the bone-chilling temperatures that kept me inside with myself.
Three things about spending time with myself:
-I've truly done what I've wanted to do each minute. I didn't get a ton of stuff accomplished (based on the usual definition of accomplishment = something tangible). I didn't push myself to do chores or to even tackle my "I want to..." list. This has been freeing for me. Time to just be.
-I've explored some areas of me and my spirit. I've had no earth-shattering self-realizations or big 'aha' moments, but I've been comfortable with myself and have a peace within. The peace is holding hands with pride for who I am, what I've done, what I believe, what I want.
-I love being busy and I really DO have so much I want and love to do that I never find enough time to do it all, take it all in, be alive with all my people and all my activities. I needed this break to help me realize I need to spend time with myself, and open myself to the growth and spirituality that comes from indulgence in self.
I hope you can find the time to spend with the most important person - you. I give thanks for the bone-chilling temperatures that kept me inside with myself.
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