Lists of Life

I'm sitting here contemplating what I really want to do today. Since my meet-and-greet with cancer almost five years ago, I have been more willing to do what I want rather than what I need to do. There are a combination of both floating in my brain today. My brain is also stretching into what I want to be doing more long-term. There's so much! How can I decide, both for today and for tomorrow and next week and next year? I've learned enough about myself that if I tackle chores, it leads to an easier week ahead. I've learned enough about myself that I can make the chores enjoyable and see the way a mundane chore finished feeds my soul by the wonder of simple accomplishment. It is so easy for me to let this all get stuck in the spin cycle in my brain and avoid what I want to do. Why is that? Why and how have I trained myself this way? It is far too easy to go back to my old patterns of living. but my core self knows that the push to move ahead is always worth it.

Writing things down makes it all come to some place of organization and then it turns into action. I'm a list-maker. I have lists and list and lists. I am a hardcopy pen and paper list maker. Scribble it down - crossing something off the list just feels good. I usually keep the list until everything is struck through. I can then see how much I have really done. I need to do that because the list will never end. Sometimes I rewrite the lists; this is mostly because I keep adding things as they occur to me. The lists become somewhat illegible and, worst of all, they get mixed up. I keep lists for different things. Yep, I got it bad.

Three lists for today's choices:

- The chore list. I am almost ashamed to admit that I keep a list of chores. This is not my usual daily chores, but the long list of bigger stuff. Things like 'shampoo carpet', 'clean fridge', 'paint walls' are on this list. I won't forget I need to get these things done, but the crossing-off the chore list is the best crossing-off there is! It means something big and time-consuming is finished.

- The family history list. (I have two, actually - one for each side of the family). I have promised cousins on both sides of the family either pictures or information. As a recipient of others' kindness, it is important to me to share the information. I know how thrilling it is to get a new photograph or family story. And the information is not mine. It belongs to the larger community of my family.

- The what-do-I-want-in-my-life list. This is the one that never ends. This is the one where I make my plans for the long term. This is the one that is most difficult. This one keeps growing and growing. This is the one where I make the project plans for my life. It is hard for me to break this one down into doable actions. This is the one that is filled with concepts and ideas. This is the one where I find myself. The list grows and I grow.

Today I will get a larger chore done, I will organize some old snapshots to scan, and I will review where I want to go  next. Perhaps I will develop a 'project plan' for one of those big life-changing things and hone in on what I truly want and the actions to get there. And for right now, I will get ready to meet an old friend for coffee and a visit in the park. That was not on any list, but my thoughts and lists and organization of my life can not and will not keep me from feeding my soul with my people.