I've had some interesting trips into my memory the past few months. Long-forgotten tidbits of my life have revealed themselves to me. Some have made me smile, some have startled me, some have bewildered me, but all have helped me better understand who I truly am at my core. I have grown: physically, emotionally, mentally, socially, and spiritually but I know that my core being is the same as when I was a wee girl. It is an amazing realization for me that I have always been THIS person.
Three things brought memories to the front of my mind:
- In the spring, I was involved in a team building session that involved doing work with horses. As I headed out to the pasture with my co-workers, I stopped. I couldn't go on and I could not go near those horses. When I was very tiny, before I started school, I was kicked by a horse with the result being some days of hospitalization in an oxygen tent. The memory of this event presented itself this spring as a re-living of that one kick that caught me in the chest and sent me flying backwards. I felt and relived every emotion, and missing pieces of what happened that day became very clear. It's odd; I have been around and ridden horses at various time in my life. I don't know why that on this spring day, forty-nine years later, my past replayed itself. It was strange, but it was powerful and spiritual.
- I took a course focused on writing my autobiography. Each week a theme was presented and the students were to write two pages (only two pages? I have much more to say than that!) for sharing the next week. Major life themes were explored. Questions were asked and assignments given. Much of my life that has lain dormant in my brain woke up and fought its' way to my conciousness. Reviewing my life this way was sometimes painful, sometimes joyous, sometimes hilarious, but mostly it was liberating. I have never before looked back in a way to view my life as a whole, to objectively analyze how I came to be me. How wondrous to have a different view of the same life!
- I stood in a grocery store parking lot in my home town a few weeks ago, across the street at the building where my Dad once worked. I remembered playing next door to that building and in the field across the street - right where I was now standing on pavement. I felt the freedom of that child I was, running and playing along the street. I recalled walking down that street, from "downtown" to our house, and singing "It's a long way to Tipperary", and reaching to pull leaves off the bushes and trees. I could feel the excitement of a game of "Hide and Go Seek" played at dusk on a hot summer evening. I thought about playing in "the ditch", when main street was dug up to replace water mains and the feeling of pride and accomplishment that I could climb out. I could smell the gas from the little black burning pots that were placed as warning for drivers. A feeling of bravery as I climbed into a combine cab in the lot where farm implements were sold rushed through my body. I stood and looked at my Dad's garage for only ten minutes or so; memories and emotions came so quickly. The memories and emotions have remained and not yet faded as they had before.
What does all this mean? It means I am rediscovering myself and focusing on who I am, who I have always been. It's leading me to the path of my self. It's putting me in touch with something greater than me. Call it what you will: God, the Universe, The Great Spirit, Never-ending Energy. It's leading me to what I am meant to do, what I've always been meant to do and didn't recognize, and opening me up. It means that it wasn't all as bad as I thought for these many years. It means that I had joy and fun and great people in my life along with the pain. I chose only to remember and focus on the pain for many wasted years.
I believe that we can recall everything that has happened to us, if the situation is right and our minds and souls are open. It may be scary, it may cause fear, it may cause pain, but it also can bring great joy, excitement, and purpose. Breathe deep, relax, and remember.
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