Who Am I?

When I was first diagnosed with cancer, my good friend (who is also a cancer survivor) said "This will change you". That statement scared me. Change is part of the unknown, and cancer was part of the unknown. Whether I'd survive was part of the unknown. I didn't want any more unknowns, especially if it had to do with who I was. Her comment stayed kind of hidden in the back of my brain, but it would creep out and poke me from time to time. I'm four years past my treatment and cancer-free for three years. Only now am I beginning to understand what she meant. I can not explain this to you, any more than she could explain it to me. I know I laugh more often, cry more often, feel more deeply, love more fiercely. This change is so much deeper than that. I am becoming who I am meant to be. I know my spirit is in tune with something far beyond explanation.

Three things I ponder about, as I try to explain to myself how I've changed:

- Feeding my soul. I speak and write of this often. I have never been a religious person, but have thought of myself as spiritual. There were times when I held beliefs that some would define as atheist. My awareness continues to grow.

- The things that bring me the greatest joy. These are the core of what feeds my soul. These are leading me to different ways of thinking, of planning, of being. Somehow the pondering of this is opening a door to what I am meant to do, partly as a way to support myself, but more importantly as a definition of using my true gifts.

- Connections to the people in my life. I am more forgiving and less judgmental. I have strengthened relationships with those close to me and renewed relationships to those whom I let slip from my life. I am also more aware of those who can cause me harm. I've always been a 'helper' of some sort. My energy is more focused on how I help, who I help, why I help. I have nothing if I don't have people. This is the great connection to soul-feeding.

I don't have it all figured out. Each day a little more of the puzzle is revealed to me. I am changed.